Breaking Through

It’s getting late, but I told myself I was going to get something down on paper today.  I have not felt much like writing lately, for reasons not really known.  Possibly the pressure to write something good, possibly not having anything to say, or possibly having too much to say.  It seems that there has been a great deal on my mind the past few days, which is not quite abnormal for me, but yet I’m not really quite sure what is on my mind exactly.

While at the beach I somewhat came to a revelation in which I identified the main problem in my life.  In this current stage of my journey I spend a great amount of time with my parents and sadly this causes me to rest within a state of aggravation.  I believe the main reason for this feeling is the inability to accept that I’m completely dependent on the people whom I spent so long trying to gain independence from.  Another reason is, we are quite the dynamic family and it seems that my father, mother and I are very different from each other.  A third reason could quite possibly be a distanced relationship whose past history has yet to be resolved.

I basically have created a guard in which I have placed between my family and I, that will not allow me to be who I am.  I’m not a frustrated person, cranky, irritable, and hard to please.  Yet I shamingly admit this is how I present myself much of my day.  Take me out of the situation and have become a completely different person.  Am I faking it?  Being a phony?  No, I simply release the guard and become who I am.

The revelation I came to at the beach was if I wish to become the fulfilled soul I strive for then I need to break through this guard.  When I was in college, I could come home for a few days become irritable, then go back to school and simply say “that’s not who  I am”.  Now however, it’s reaching the point where grouchy Colin is who I am because this is who I am being most of the time.

Since being home from the beach I feel I have broken through this barrier and let myself be who I am.  When I felt like being snotty or crabby I forced myself to reach down and find me.  It seemed in doing so, this opened up my true persona.  The guard continually tries to emerge, not letting me show the people who love me the most who I am.  Why am I scared to reveal me?  Where has this guard come from?  I don’t really know.

Until the last few days I’ve been doing better than I have in a long time.  I have simply been who I believe to be me, a genuine, fun and positive person.  Clouds however have rolled into my feeling of peace lately.  I’m not sure if I’ll be able to explain why, but I will try at another time because it’s late.  When I write late into the night, I usually get frustrated.

Goodnight,

Colin

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4 Responses to Breaking Through

  1. Fat says:

    This is very insightful. I\’ve discovered something similar about myself. Similar in the way of realizing that I put a barrier as well hiding the true me. It\’s kind of funny that I read this today because before I got to your post I felt different and hope it continues. The real "me" shining through brightly. Keep going, I\’m sure your family appreciates the "true" Colin. Have a great day,~ Fat chick

  2. Anita says:

    "To sacrifice yourself for others is to find your true self…"I did not come up with this. It was posted in the enterance of my med school in Poland.I still have to remind myself of this every day.How do your parents feel about your accidnet… Spiritually?Do they think that you are being punished for something? Or do they see it as an opportunity to discover how much God really loves you?Anita

  3. Colin says:

    Anita,I\’m not exactly sure how they feel about it. My dad is Hindu and my mom is a Christian so obviously their overall outlook on life is different. My dad probably thinks I\’m hurt because of karma and my mom probably thinks it is part of Gods overall plan.My dad refuses to believe that my injury is permanent and is sure I\’m going to walking again. Earlier in the year my mom also saw several signs that told her I would walk again. I\’m not sure what her opinion is now.I\’m pretty sure of my parents to see this accident as a large opportunity to create magnificent things in my life. However, they are very sad to see me in this state.Colin

  4. Patricia says:

    I\’m new to your site. I really "get" this entry from my own experiences and circumstances. You write wonderfully on what is a subject I have never found the words to express myself. -patti

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