While at the beach I somewhat came to a revelation in which I identified the main problem in my life. In this current stage of my journey I spend a great amount of time with my parents and sadly this causes me to rest within a state of aggravation. I believe the main reason for this feeling is the inability to accept that I’m completely dependent on the people whom I spent so long trying to gain independence from. Another reason is, we are quite the dynamic family and it seems that my father, mother and I are very different from each other. A third reason could quite possibly be a distanced relationship whose past history has yet to be resolved.
I basically have created a guard in which I have placed between my family and I, that will not allow me to be who I am. I’m not a frustrated person, cranky, irritable, and hard to please. Yet I shamingly admit this is how I present myself much of my day. Take me out of the situation and have become a completely different person. Am I faking it? Being a phony? No, I simply release the guard and become who I am.
The revelation I came to at the beach was if I wish to become the fulfilled soul I strive for then I need to break through this guard. When I was in college, I could come home for a few days become irritable, then go back to school and simply say “that’s not who I am”. Now however, it’s reaching the point where grouchy Colin is who I am because this is who I am being most of the time.
Since being home from the beach I feel I have broken through this barrier and let myself be who I am. When I felt like being snotty or crabby I forced myself to reach down and find me. It seemed in doing so, this opened up my true persona. The guard continually tries to emerge, not letting me show the people who love me the most who I am. Why am I scared to reveal me? Where has this guard come from? I don’t really know.
Until the last few days I’ve been doing better than I have in a long time. I have simply been who I believe to be me, a genuine, fun and positive person. Clouds however have rolled into my feeling of peace lately. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to explain why, but I will try at another time because it’s late. When I write late into the night, I usually get frustrated.