Realizing this, I stopped talking to God as I used to. I mean, who was I talking to you? I no longer pictured a God nodding his head in understanding at my plight and pondering over whether or not to answer my prayers. God is not a genie in a bottle, He is an unexplainable, all powerful presence keeping the energy of life ever flowing. Instead of having a conversation with God I began to simply spend silent time with God, increasing my awareness of His constant presence. The more I establish this connection the more I begin to manifest all of my desires, ultimately putting the responsibility of my destiny on my shoulders.
Lately I have begun attending church and have been experiencing the immense amounts of love and compassion Christians devote towards God. It has left me with an empty feeling because that same love and compassion is not present in my life. I do not see God as someone I can depend on, as someone who understands what I’m going through, as someone who feels my pain, and as someone who loves me as a father loves his son. I cannot simply have faith that God, whatever He is, will never let me down but will always be there to pick me up and embrace me in my time of need. I cannot accept these things because these are characteristics of a human being which God is not.
I have faith that there’s definitely a God in our midst, but I have begun a quest that is quite scary and never-ending, a quest to discover the meaning behind my faith. To discover exactly what it is I have faith in and how to work with God in order to manifest my desires. It would be much easier to simply have faith in what I cannot understand and hand over the responsibility of my destiny to the higher powers.
I use the word faith here but I still haven’t quite figured out what the word means? Does it mean to believe that whatever happens in my life is up to God and he knows what’s best? Does it mean to believe that whatever is truly in my heart to accomplish, God will provide? How do you have faith in something that is impossible to understand?
I figured in writing about this topic, the words would flow easily, pouring out of my heart and soul, but the past couple hours have been anything but easy. I have struggled to get the words out and I am not sure what I have conveyed is what has been on my heart lately. To put God into words is not an easy thing to do, probably impossible. That is why I believe we have religion because this allows us to simply have faith, or completely rely on what cannot be understood or explained. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to do this. Unfortunately, accept for those rare glimpses, most of the time I need to understand in order to believe.