At the moment I’m feeling extremely anxious and irritable. This feeling arises every now and then and I seem to become some sort of eccentric weirdo who doesn’t know what to do with himself. Simple things like my mother walking into my bedroom and interrupting my meditation seems to quickly push my anger button. My father chewing potato chips echoes loudly between my ears, gnawing and biting on my nerves. He knows this is a pet peeve of mine, so he offers me some to make up for it. I suddenly have an intense desire to use what strength I have to knock the plastic bowl out of his hands, sending a confetti of crisp chips into the air. It’s as if I never wanted to do anything more in my life. I fight the urge and go into my room which is right next to the living area. The TV blasts a fox drama and seems to shake the walls of my bedroom. In normal reality it is barely resonating but my acute sense of hearing increases to a level of paranormal when my anxiety increases. Another urge of destruction builds up within me. I look around the room and discover there are a great many items which I could send flying through the air and crashing to the floor. I take some deep breaths. I call my mom in and tell her to turn on my box fan and point it at the wall. She asks me a bunch of motherly questions, which I ignore and tell her to please shut the door. Now the sound of whirling blades fill the room. Natural instinct tells me to dull my mind, find something to escape my anxiety. TV is my best bet but dulling my mind will only push the feeling down deeper inside. I have to be careful in moments like these. The moments when I can either stray further from my peaceful spirit or find a way to crawl towards it while I am being pulled away. The moments when God seems to be testing my diligence to seek. It’s easy to seek when everything is going well, all according to plan, but what will you do when the going gets tough? When God’s essence disappears and all you can see is bare walls and hard floors? When the air is thick and breathing is no longer a comfort in the moment but a nuisance in time? This moment, I turned to my computer screen and write. With the click of a mouse the computer can lead me down a path of numbness but with another click can open my eyes to the spirit. What a dangerous yet enlightening tool.
Part of the reason why I may feel anxious is because my penis is burning somewhat like it has all day. This usually means urinary tract infection but I refuse to accept this as my fate once again. Tonight as I sleep, I shall banish this outcome from all possibilities.
I got a reply from dreamhealer.com but it was only an automated e-mail sent to anyone who tries to contact Adam. It said that they do reply individually to e-mails but Adam is no longer doing one-on-one treatments because of the demand and lack of his time. It suggested I read the books and attend his workshops. Apparently he receives hundreds of e-mails daily. I still believe there’s a chance.