Moments like These

At the moment I’m feeling extremely anxious and irritable.  This feeling arises every now and then and I seem to become some sort of eccentric weirdo who doesn’t know what to do with himself.  Simple things like my mother walking into my bedroom and interrupting my meditation seems to quickly push my anger button.  My father chewing potato chips echoes loudly between my ears, gnawing and biting on my nerves.  He knows this is a pet peeve of mine, so he offers me some to make up for it.  I suddenly have an intense desire to use what strength I have to knock the plastic bowl out of his hands, sending a confetti of crisp chips into the air.  It’s as if I never wanted to do anything more in my life.  I fight the urge and go into my room which is right next to the living area.  The TV blasts a fox drama and seems to shake the walls of my bedroom.  In normal reality it is barely resonating but my acute sense of hearing increases to a level of paranormal when my anxiety increases.  Another urge of destruction builds up within me.  I look around the room and discover there are a great many items which I could send flying through the air and crashing to the floor.  I take some deep breaths.  I call my mom in and tell her to turn on my box fan and point it at the wall.  She asks me a bunch of motherly questions, which I ignore and tell her to please shut the door.  Now the sound of whirling blades fill the room.  Natural instinct tells me to dull my mind, find something to escape my anxiety.  TV is my best bet but dulling my mind will only push the feeling down deeper inside.  I have to be careful in moments like these.  The moments when I can either stray further from my peaceful spirit or find a way to crawl towards it while I am being pulled away.  The moments when God seems to be testing my diligence to seek.  It’s easy to seek when everything is going well, all according to plan, but what will you do when the going gets tough?  When God’s essence disappears and all you can see is bare walls and hard floors?  When the air is thick and breathing is no longer a comfort in the moment but a nuisance in time?  This moment, I turned to my computer screen and write.  With the click of a mouse the computer can lead me down a path of numbness but with another click can open my eyes to the spirit.  What a dangerous yet enlightening tool.

Part of the reason why I may feel anxious is because my penis is burning somewhat like it has all day.  This usually means urinary tract infection but I refuse to accept this as my fate once again.  Tonight as I sleep, I shall banish this outcome from all possibilities.

I got a reply from dreamhealer.com but it was only an automated e-mail sent to anyone who tries to contact Adam.  It said that they do reply individually to e-mails but Adam is no longer doing one-on-one treatments because of the demand and lack of his time.  It suggested I read the books and attend his workshops.  Apparently he receives hundreds of e-mails daily.  I still believe there’s a chance.

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10 Responses to Moments like These

  1. Patricia says:

    Glad you wrote here when frustrated. It always seems to help calm me to write. You have such a great spirit. Hang in there, I believe in you. -pattips was hoping we could help in some way re: Adam. pss tomorrow (actually in 30 minutes) is a new day.psss one day I cursed as loud as I could to no one until I ran out of curse word combinations – this may sound stupid and unproductive but somehow it made me feel better. After my storm came a calm. The room felt really quiet and I felt somewhat amazed at my combinations – literary truly. I don\’t know. I really don\’t – I wish I knew a magic trick. I do know that you are an amazing person capable of so much and live with an incredible sense of curiousity and beauty. Remember the spirit within yourself -trust it. It is a dear friend. You helped teach me that. Kindess your way – p.

  2. Tricia says:

    Before I had my fibroid tumors removed I also lived with a constant UTI. My gynecologist gave me a preventative vitamin, I forgot what it’s called – but maybe you should ask your doctor about it. I am by no means saying it was a miracle – for me it was surgery – but it did help them from getting to the point where I had a fever and cramps. I know that your cause is much different than mine, however I know with me, even a little relief was a huge help. I hope things work out with you and the Dream Healer – tricia…oh, I hope I did not make you made about the model comment, I was just trying to be funny cause you put up new pictures and I thought you looked really good in them (I know, my sense of humor is off). Have a great day…

  3. mtcutie says:

    Hi,I\’m sorry your having such a rough day. Everyone\’s got days like that when you just want to freak out and scream and yell and throw things and then be rewarded with silence and relaxation.I hope tomrrow is a better one,mt

  4. J-Anderson says:

    Colin, I agree with Patti completely. Have you ever read about Reiki?? It is a healing tool also. The woman that works for me does it for me when my thigh bone hits my pelvic bone because I have moved wrong and because I have no right hip anymore due to an accident. I\’m not really sure how it works but she takes the pain in her body and then releases it. ok that didn\’t sound right. lol You can look it up on internet to find out more. Or just e-mail me and I will find out if she has any books on it that you could read. I am not saying that this is a good thing for you because I\’m sure it works diffferent for everyone. Her and I are both native american in small degrees but we are also very good friends. I can only hope that this might help you. I wish you Peace.

  5. Unknown says:

    Well, I have to say, I\’m kind of glad to know that I\’m not the only person who is driven to the brink of insanity at the sounds of loud chewing or eating. It\’s interesting too that you noted you feel that way when your stress levels are high, like it intesifies the sounds. That happens to me as well, my family says I have super human hearing.Personally, I think it would have been funny if you had knocked the bowl of chips out of your dad\’s hands. Hasn\’t everyone at one time or another had one of those moments where you think, "what would this person do if I did this.." Just imagine it…your Dad, seeing your obvious annoyance at his chip chewing, tries to remedy the situation by offering you a chip…that\’s when you, out of nowhere, kncok the bowl out of his lap and say,"HERE\’S WHAT I THINK OF YOUR F***ING CHIPS DAD..!!"Seriously, I bet the look on his face alone would have made your day. Writing is a great way to get everything out, and as long as you have anything to write about, there will be people here to read it.

  6. Colin says:

    Tricia,I take cranberry pills every day. Maybe that\’s the vitamin you took.Joan,I looked up reiki. I think my cousin works with that type of energy healing. Using our own life force energy. She did some treatments on me when I was first hurt but at the time I was totally weirded out. I would be much more open to it now. Maybe I should call her up.Andrea,I\’m so glad to hear someone suffers from acute hearing annoyance as well. They should classify this problem has some sort of psychological disorder or something. Sometimes I really think I\’m crazy. Mostly I think it has to do with if the person is annoying me then whatever sound they are making annoys me.Every day I wonder "what would this person do if I did this". Thoughts of acting completely out of normalcy are always running through my head. Most of the time they are violent thoughts. I feel horrible admitting this. If it wasn\’t for escapes like writing, who knows what I would do.Colin

  7. Patricia says:

    Hi Colin – thanks for your comment -yes that was my idea about Adam but i wasn\’t sure weither to write it here. Let us know what you think. that is a personal choice. re: how I feel about Adam in response to your question is yes, i do believe that he has a gift. but here\’s the thing too -why just Adam? I wonder if more people have that type of gift. The other thing that sometimes concerns me is your hope – we all need hope and I think you should always have it – you have no idea what your body is going to do – nor does Adam in the long run, as far as my understanding) so what if you met him and it didn\’t go according to your plans – would you give up hope? I\’d hope not, I\’d hope that you had further faith than in just one person and that you would continue to have hope in your body, others and in yourself. I\’m sure that you do. but i do have small concern that "Adam" might feel like "too many eggs in one basket" type of feeling. Although, i think that hoping about him is good. What if he could help? I like to try things so i figure -why not try? right? But also I feel protective of your kind heart and awesome outlook and I don\’t want one person to ruin anything for you if you get disappointed (not that he would disappoint you but if he did) ya know? But that is also bravery to try things. which is marvelous. As far as being senitive to noise – i hear ya on that front. You said you felt like it was crazy -nope. i talk about it a lot and people have commented over the years that they feel the same often. Hang in there. I\’m rooting for you!!Believe in you and think you are great -patti

  8. Unknown says:

    Colin,You are certainly not crazy. Or maybe you are and I am too so I don’t notice..(kidding..!!). You’re a completely normal and sane man who has been suddenly thrown into a drastically new and insane life. I notice my super human hearing the most at times when I’m irritated or stressed out, I can understand how that would happen to you a lot. Simple everyday tasks have now become obstacles, that would make anyone get beyond frustrated. If you think about it, we all have major changes that happen in our lives over time. We go to high school, then graduate…move on to college, then graduate…get married..have kids…all this happens over years and years so we aren’t suddenly bombarded with huge life changes at once. You didn’t have that luxury of time, you’re life was changed in the blink of an eye. Anyone, I don’t care who they are, would feel exactly the way you do, completely and totally overwhelmed and frustrated. You are far from crazy Colin.This will hopefully put a smile on your face…if you think you’ve had some off-the wall “what if I did this thoughts”…here’s a good one for you.My freshman year at college I was enrolled in a European History class, I needed it to satisfy a required course. The first day of class, all 40 or so students were waiting outside the classroom for the professor, most of us passing the time quietly studying. Suddenly, out of nowhere…. SHE came by. Some inherently evil young girl, who conveniently plopped herself down right next to me. In the midst of the blissful silence, she sat by me, CRACKING her gum like there was no tomorrow. People who chew their gum like cows drive me nuts, but have you ever encountered a gum cracker??!! They are by far and away the worst of the annoying chewing offenders. What was so frustrating was that I seemed to be the only one bothered by it. I sat there quietly, while inside my head I was screaming..”FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SOMEONE SLAP HER!!” Unfortunately, no one did. When the teacher finally showed up I thought, finally, salvation.Well, that was short lived. The teacher decided to seat us in alphabetical order, and wouldn’t you know it….the powers hat be saw fit to put the gum cracker and me in enough alphabetical proximity so that she was right next to me. I cannot even begin to tell you the thoughts that were going through my mind as I tried desperately to concentrate on Eastern European history, when all I could hear was CRACKCRACKCRACK. The next day I dropped the class. Yep, my super human sensitivity to chewing made me drop a required course.Now who’s crazy Colin??!!

  9. Anita says:

    Hello Collin…Something must be in the air as far as rotten mood…I went on Adam\’s site, and read your letter to him.Do you think you need his help?AnitaPSI hope you\’ll feel better tommorow.

  10. Anita says:

    Hello Collin…Something must be in the air as far as rotten mood…I went on Adam\’s site, and read your letter to him.Do you think you need his help?AnitaPSI hope you\’ll feel better tommorow.

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