A short time ago, I can’t remember exactly when, a buildup of emotions began to stir inside of me. I could not identify the exact emotion or where it was coming from. I don’t know if I even realized that the buildup was occurring at the time. So the immediate reaction was an outpour of anger and frustration. Finally I realized that something was going on inside of me and I sat down, figuratively speaking, and tried to figure out what it was and why it was there. Nothing would come to me so I let the emotions reside and felt them for what they were. I let myself just “be”, letting a natural process occur in which the emotions went through their cycle, leading to whatever conclusion is necessary. Unfortunately the only conclusion of emotional cycle’s may be death.
Letting oneself just be the emotions can be a calming and peaceful process but it can also be very frustrating. The calming side of the coin for me happens when I absorb myself in a moment. All sights, sounds, tastes, and sensations are absorbed during that exact moment in time, experiencing them however my current emotions are letting me. I don’t argue how a dog barking, a woman crying, a baby laughing, or a father chewing potato chips makes me feel. The usual result if done properly is a sense of calm and knowing that everything during the moment is accepted and nothing else matters.
Frustration can easily develop as it can be very hard to feel an emotion that is not identified. I become angry when I feel a certain way and can’t explain why, so I then let myself be drawn into activities which only push the feelings deeper inside of me. Also, feelings of anxiety can arise, much like the experience of my last entry. Then not only do you have to deal with the emotions, you have to deal with the anxiety which has arisen because of the emotions.
Anyways, I’ve done pretty well the past few days in simply letting myself be in the moment and letting whatever it is inside of me continue to go on without a fight. Slowly this has allowed me to figure out why I am feeling the way I am. Once I came to the conclusion, it seemed like such a simple answer and it is nothing I have not felt in the past many times over. Basically, I remembered that the one cause of all anxiety, stress, or feelings of uneasiness comes from an inability to accept the present moment in time. After a year and three months I’ve still yet to accept the position I am in and what I have to go through on a daily basis. I am continually waiting, whether I know it or not, for the moment in time in which I undergo some vast recovery to feel content.
My inability to accept has chosen to flareup now because suddenly I’m being forced to think about the future. Tomorrow CAP services are moving on to stage two, when I’ll meet my first care attendant and talk over my schedule with him. In doing this, I’m basically preparing for a possible future of people caring for me. It is not absolutely necessary for strangers to come into my life at the present moment and help me out in my daily routine but it is a step to prepare for the future.
The future. I don’t want to think about the future. I always put up this front about the future being so exciting because of all the possibilities, and it is, but to be honest, the future is scary. Anything unknown is scary. It is also very hard to fathom the future when my reality in the present feels so much like a dream. How do I fathom the future in a dream world? A future in which my paralysis never existed seems more plausible in my mind then if it did, even though I can look down and see obviously I am paralyzed.
A period of great change is about to come down on me and it is not anywhere near the change I expected to occur. The changes occurring are with me still completely dependent on others for my care and that’s not the way it was supposed to be.
I’m not going to end this on a positive note even though I could. All I feel like doing lately is complaining, and what’s wrong with that? I’m sick of feeling sick all the time. I’m sick of feeling tired, sick of being cold. I’m sick of waking up in the morning only to want to wake up again. I’m sick of having to be strong all the time and still feeling weak. I’m sick of being angry, sick of living at home, sick of watching normal lives occurring all around me. I’m sick of analyzing emotions, of confusing philosophical and spiritual battles. I’m sick of living in a dream that never ends.
That felt good.
Feel sorry if you like, but no pity. It’s just part of the process.