Independence?

Hello all faithful and maybe not so faithful readers.  I’m not feeling much like writing at the moment but I also feel like I should fill people in on some of the current events which have been occurring in my life lately.  I met with a nursing supervisor of the agency which will be providing me with my care assistance, and also met my first provided caregiver.  The nursing supervisor was a very nice and right when she looked into my eyes she exclaimed how she can tell I am a good person and such.  It’s funny how people can see my spirit simply by looking into my eyes.  It seems to happen quite often.  The provided caregiver arrived shortly after she did and I immediately felt good vibes as he came walking towards us.  He is a big guy and towered over everyone, so he should have no problems transferring me.  I didn’t get to talk to him too much during the meeting but he seemed to be a soft-spoken and kind man.

I have been provided 36 hours of attendant care by Medicaid which is a lot more than I expected.  Pretty much everything I’m getting out of this service is more than I expected.  When it comes to helping me out during the day and night, my attendant can provide assistance in almost any way possible.  He can come help me out in the mornings, fix me lunch, clean my room, take me to the gym, help me work out.  As long as I schedule the times needed, he can do it.  The only thing he is not allowed to do is cath me.  He’s allowed to assist, he just can’t actually insert the catheter.  This is actually a blessing in disguise because this forces me to begin self cathing, a goal I believe is very reachable.

My first taste of attendant care is starting tomorrow at 12 o’clock P. M..  He’s basically going to be helping me push my manual chair somewhere, take me to the pool for my therapy appointment, and help me out with a shower I guess.  I’m not really sure what my dad’s role is going to be in the process tomorrow.  Overall, he’s definitely going to have to help out with training in certain areas before he hands off full responsibility.

All of this happened in less than a week so it is a tiny bit overwhelming.  A part of me is very excited about the change, but another part of me is quite nervous and afraid.  Use of attendant care is somewhat a step of independence in that I will be doing more things away from my parents.  Someone will still be helping me out in the same ways but I may have more of a sense of responsibility and independence because it isn’t a family member.  It is an employer getting paid to assist me in whatever way possible.  That will be the basis of our relationship with no history or bitterness attached.

I can easily say that this is a step in the right direction although I’m not really sure exactly where I’m being directed towards, but I know it’s somewhere positive.  Of course I cannot help being nervous and afraid at the thought of the change.  A strangers coming into my life and taking over a position that my dad once held, someone who I am for the most part completely comfortable around.  This stranger will be taking over responsibilities which are very personal and private.  I’m hoping that I will be able to wash away all sense of pride or ego and simply do what I know I have to do.  I’m not sure yet exactly what I will be having him do at first.  I will probably have him assist me mostly within the community and see where that leads.

I have more thoughts on the matter, mostly dealing with acceptance issues, but I’m going to leave it at that for now.  Some friends will be in town shortly and we’re going to a rock show.  My mohawk should fit in nicely.

 

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6 Responses to Independence?

  1. mtcutie says:

    Ok… as I have expressed on an earlier occasion… I LOVE the MOHAWK! But I’m sure you’d fit in nicely regardless of it.I think this new assistance will be a really good thing for you and although you are feeling a little cautious about it right now I’m sure future entries will be filled with positive things about it.I’m new to your blog I’ve only commented a few times so I don’t know where you’ve classified me but I hope to be a faithful reader.Good luck with everything and have a great time with your friends at the rock show.mt

  2. Patricia says:

    Yep, ditto to MT hope to be considered one of those faithful readers! I\’m so glad for you!! It sounds like positive things are on the horizon and you have stepped into new territories -congratulations. Big time! I think that everyone who meets you or reads your words is aware of your kind spirit. Your spirit has taught me much, and I will always be thankful. Thanks for the update. I fear I was becoming a bit of a pest but those frustrating times can be hard and I knew you would be getting through it but it is still hard at times to go through. Please always know you have a listening ear my way. As far as being nervous I think that is normal. I remember my nurses and how pertrified I was of them at first in my home. I soon found them to be such a blessing. When I think of the hard times or when I\’m having trouble, I still can hear their words of encouragement and wisdom. But mostly, I will always remember their kindness. Sometimes I wish that I could call them up and have them help me out still. I adored them and their mere presence became a source of tremendous peace to me. As far as the private stuff that feels so hard to have someone in your life overseeing and being there that was something even in my state that I was reluctant about – my one favorite nurse finally explained to me that I was not her first patient. Somehow of course I knew this intellectually but I thought yeah, well this is my first time being a patient! She put my fears at ease right away. I remember one time when I was so sick and she brushed my hair and braided it. It is truly one of my earliest clear memories. How she felt like a sister to me in those moments. I don\’t know the last time someone ever brushed my hair before her -it had to be in my childhood. I cried at her kindness – I was amazed at the extra time and patience she had. I hope you have a great time with your friends at the rock show! Best to you as always, patti

  3. Tina says:

    Thats awesome news about the caregiver. I am sure that it will do wonders for your psyche not to have to depend on your parents for so much. Your caution and fear is completely understandable. Let us know how it all goes.Oh and have fun at the concert!Tina

  4. Lovers hornet says:

    hey, first time here, u doin good man, most ppl wldve succumbed, not u brah, speaks volumes of ur steel and resolve.*two thumbs up*cheers dude, keep rockin.

  5. CallieHuggles says:

    Hi again Colin…I know you wrote back, Not understand ing how I could help….Well sweetie…two of the three here above can give you an idea, along with help locally ( in your area) and online …I am willing when you are ready…I also have Many friends who are in your situation, newly fresh, within the past year or so, and some for over a decade..They are willing to talk to you, most of them are men, some are women……I think from the Min we go into the ER.. we have lost some of that PRIDE and EGO you mentioned..but having Family as a Caretaker, I am guessing as a MOM, and Mom of a SON, I was also A caretaker to my father, and as His caretaker, I know IT MATTERED TO HIM.. and Honestly.. Me too, but only because I know, was blind, Diabetic, Renal and cardiac failure… Just losing his sight alone, too away all of the abilty for independence as he knew it..After his heart and body began to fail him too, there were many things I had to do as a care taker, no Man wants his daughter to do, no child wants to have to do to her DADDY, but I knew how sick he was, and how much pain he was in, and that he would NOT let anyone else do it…having this help you now have… It gives you your father back… It give this new person a job he chooses to do.. LET HIM, if he doesn\’t work out, you have other choice.. I hope you know you father was eligible t be paid to be your care taker…but I would give it a chance… Give you and your daddy time to just be father and son again for a while… Give pop a rest…have father son time and let the new people do their jobs… ENJOY AGAINIt is overwhelming.. It IS hard, but You are one of the lucky ones who does have options.. Feel blessed for that… You just take it one day at time Colin.. it\’s all we have…I Know you canYour Family and friends are with you…{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Huggles }}}}}}}}}}}}Callie

  6. CallieHuggles says:

    Hi again Colin…I know you wrote back, Not understand ing how I could help….Well sweetie…two of the three here above can give you an idea, along with help locally ( in your area) and online …I am willing when you are ready…I also have Many friends who are in your situation, newly fresh, within the past year or so, and some for over a decade..They are willing to talk to you, most of them are men, some are women……I think from the Min we go into the ER.. we have lost some of that PRIDE and EGO you mentioned..but having Family as a Caretaker, I am guessing as a MOM, and Mom of a SON, I was also A caretaker to my father, and as His caretaker, I know IT MATTERED TO HIM.. and Honestly.. Me too, but only because I know, was blind, Diabetic, Renal and cardiac failure… Just losing his sight alone, too away all of the abilty for independence as he knew it..After his heart and body began to fail him too, there were many things I had to do as a care taker, no Man wants his daughter to do, no child wants to have to do to her DADDY, but I knew how sick he was, and how much pain he was in, and that he would NOT let anyone else do it…having this help you now have… It gives you your father back… It give this new person a job he chooses to do.. LET HIM, if he doesn\’t work out, you have other choice.. I hope you know you father was eligible t be paid to be your care taker…but I would give it a chance… Give you and your daddy time to just be father and son again for a while… Give pop a rest…have father son time and let the new people do their jobs… ENJOY AGAINIt is overwhelming.. It IS hard, but You are one of the lucky ones who does have options.. Feel blessed for that… You just take it one day at time Colin.. it\’s all we have…I Know you canYour Family and friends are with you…{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Huggles }}}}}}}}}}}}Callie

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