I’m not the type of person to make schedules really. I usually like to fly by the seat of my pants which can be good in some ways but bad as well. Having more of a set schedule should help me get more things done in a day as well as provide some structure in my life. I just got some serious deja vu as I wrote these lines which means I’ve probably wrote them down before. Creating a scheduled life is always a subject I talk about but rarely stick with. Having an attendant caregiver may be what forces me to do so. Theorized outcomes of a structured life included a sense of direction, feelings of accomplishment each day, and diminished boredom.
As I hung out with Bob and got to know him a little better, I tried to foresee if the relationship we could possibly create would be best for a caregiver and myself. Bob is not someone who I really view as a person who I’d be particularly drawn to as a friend. He’s very soft-spoken and subdued while most of my friends seem to be outgoing and loud. At first I was disgruntled by the thought that my caregiver and I would not form a relationship based off of two personalities feeding off each other creating a fun and entertaining friendship. I then began to think that maybe a best friend isn’t exactly what I should be looking for in a caregiver. I’m not exactly sure yet what the best relationship there is to have between myself and a caregiver, but maybe a more quiet and stoic person is what is needed. Especially with my acute hearing annoyance disorder, the chances of a quiet person annoying me in the long run is much less. Another positive aspect of having a more reserved companion would be that I do not have to feel threatened by someone being more outgoing than I am. The subconscious competition to be the one noticed could be eliminated.
There is no way for me to tell what specific type of person I need to be my caregiver but I did realize that it isn’t necessarily a bad thing that Bob doesn’t resemble similar qualities to myself. The differences of qualities may actually be a good thing in this situation. I probably shouldn’t be analyzing the situation in such depth quite yet, especially after one day. I should give it a lease a week before giving a full analysis. All I know right now is that Bob seems to be kind and friendly, has the strength to complete all physical tasks needed, and with time and patience could become an excellent caregiver. I think the most unsettling aspect of this change is that routine has been dismantled. Over time routine will be pieced back together and daily operations will once again flow smoothly, possibly smoother.
Last night at the concert, a girl walked up to me and said, “Hi, how are you doing?”
She was looking at me as though she knew me and after I quickly scanned her image through my brain I told her I had no idea who she was. “Oh, I just wanted to say hello”, she said. “My name is Rhonda”.
A cute girl had spotted me from across a room and decided to approach me. It was a situation every guy loves but not every guy can handle. “You’ve been here before Colin”, I thought. “Just do your thing”.
I proceeded to make casual conversation, asking what band she was there to see and where she was from. During each break in the conversation she just stood there smiling, acting as if she wanted to ask me something but not doing so. This of course left it up to me to continue conversation and avoid awkward pauses and silences. Well, it takes two to make conversation so eventually the silence was upon us. She again just stood there, smiling and staring. In my past experience with the opposite sex, when a girl just stands there, not wanting to leave but not having anything to say, this usually means she wants to see you again. I thought she was a little weird, but I found her attractive and the signal seemed obvious so without hesitation I asked her out.
“I just wanted to say hello” she said again in reply. She said her name was Rhonda for the second time and once again stood there smiling, as if she wanted to say something. “Well, I’ll come back and talk to you later” she said.
As I watched her walk away I looked up to see what had to be her boyfriend standing about 10 feet away. He had been watching the whole thing.
I was quite perplexed by the whole approach. “What was the point of that?” I thought, and then it hit me. “Could she have approached me out of pity? Could the same look a girl gives you when she wants you to ask her out be the same look when she pities you?”
I immediately felt quite stupid for even thinking that she was looking for a hot date. Right when I thought I had the telltale signs of a girl digging on me, I find out that I have to figure it out all over again. Now when a girl bats her eyelashes, smiles and stares into my eyes I have to determine whether or not it is the look of pity or the look of a girl searching for companionship.
This has been my first pity approach by a girl and after the experience I can find no difference between the two approaches. Realizing this, in looking back on my decision to ask her out, I have no regrets. I shouldn’t second-guess my instincts when it comes to women. Second-guessing is what leaves you alone and single. I’m not happy however, at finding out yet once again that I know nothing about women. That is a search for understanding which never ends.