First-day Analysis

The first day with my new attendant caregiver went pretty well.  The whole process of introducing this stranger into my life leaves me with an uneasy feeling as I began to live out the changes which are going to occur.  When it was just my dad, I found myself going back and forth between asking him to help me with certain tasks and doing my own thing.  Unless we were leaving the house there wasn’t much of a continuous stretch in which I used his assistance.  I’ll call my new caregiver Bob for now.  Once Bob arrived at 12, I instead found myself constantly feeling the need to use his assistance rather than doing my own thing in between each assisted task.  At one point, I went into my room to make a couple phone calls and felt rather uncomfortable knowing that Bob was in the kitchen trying to kill time until I asked for his help again.  I don’t think I can ever get used to my hired caregiver sitting around the house while I goof off on my computer.  Instead I am going to try and have more of a set schedule in which I know I’m going to need his help for a stretch of time. 

I’m not the type of person to make schedules really.  I usually like to fly by the seat of my pants which can be good in some ways but bad as well.  Having more of a set schedule should help me get more things done in a day as well as provide some structure in my life.  I just got some serious deja vu as I wrote these lines which means I’ve probably wrote them down before.  Creating a scheduled life is always a subject I talk about but rarely stick with.  Having an attendant caregiver may be what forces me to do so.  Theorized outcomes of a structured life included a sense of direction, feelings of accomplishment each day, and diminished boredom.

As I hung out with Bob and got to know him a little better, I tried to foresee if the relationship we could possibly create would be best for a caregiver and myself.  Bob is not someone who I really view as a person who I’d be particularly drawn to as a friend.  He’s very soft-spoken and subdued while most of my friends seem to be outgoing and loud.  At first I was disgruntled by the thought that my caregiver and I would not form a relationship based off of two personalities feeding off each other creating a fun and entertaining friendship.  I then began to think that maybe a best friend isn’t exactly what I should be looking for in a caregiver.  I’m not exactly sure yet what the best relationship there is to have between myself and a caregiver, but maybe a more quiet and stoic person is what is needed.  Especially with my acute hearing annoyance disorder, the chances of a quiet person annoying me in the long run is much less.  Another positive aspect of having a more reserved companion would be that I do not have to feel threatened by someone being more outgoing than I am.  The subconscious competition to be the one noticed could be eliminated.

There is no way for me to tell what specific type of person I need to be my caregiver but I did realize that it isn’t necessarily a bad thing that Bob doesn’t resemble similar qualities to myself.  The differences of qualities may actually be a good thing in this situation.  I probably shouldn’t be analyzing the situation in such depth quite yet, especially after one day.  I should give it a lease a week before giving a full analysis.  All I know right now is that Bob seems to be kind and friendly, has the strength to complete all physical tasks needed, and with time and patience could become an excellent caregiver.  I think the most unsettling aspect of this change is that routine has been dismantled.  Over time routine will be pieced back together and daily operations will once again flow smoothly, possibly smoother.

 

Last night at the concert, a girl walked up to me and said, “Hi, how are you doing?”

She was looking at me as though she knew me and after I quickly scanned her image through my brain I told her I had no idea who she was.  “Oh, I just wanted to say hello”, she said.  “My name is Rhonda”. 

A cute girl had spotted me from across a room and decided to approach me.  It was a situation every guy loves but not every guy can handle.  “You’ve been here before Colin”, I thought.  “Just do your thing”.

I proceeded to make casual conversation, asking what band she was there to see and where she was from.  During each break in the conversation she just stood there smiling, acting as if she wanted to ask me something but not doing so.  This of course left it up to me to continue conversation and avoid awkward pauses and silences.  Well, it takes two to make conversation so eventually the silence was upon us.  She again just stood there, smiling and staring.  In my past experience with the opposite sex, when a girl just stands there, not wanting to leave but not having anything to say, this usually means she wants to see you again.  I thought she was a little weird, but I found her attractive and the signal seemed obvious so without hesitation I asked her out. 

“I just wanted to say hello” she said again in reply.  She said her name was Rhonda for the second time and once again stood there smiling, as if she wanted to say something.  “Well, I’ll come back and talk to you later” she said.

As I watched her walk away I looked up to see what had to be her boyfriend standing about 10 feet away.  He had been watching the whole thing.

I was quite perplexed by the whole approach.  “What was the point of that?”  I thought, and then it hit me.  “Could she have approached me out of pity?  Could the same look a girl gives you when she wants you to ask her out be the same look when she pities you?”

I immediately felt quite stupid for even thinking that she was looking for a hot date.  Right when I thought I had the telltale signs of a girl digging on me, I find out that I have to figure it out all over again.  Now when a girl bats her eyelashes, smiles and stares into my eyes I have to determine whether or not it is the look of pity or the look of a girl searching for companionship.

This has been my first pity approach by a girl and after the experience I can find no difference between the two approaches.  Realizing this, in looking back on my decision to ask her out, I have no regrets.  I shouldn’t second-guess my instincts when it comes to women.  Second-guessing is what leaves you alone and single.  I’m not happy however, at finding out yet once again that I know nothing about women.  That is a search for understanding which never ends.

 

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16 Responses to First-day Analysis

  1. Patricia says:

    Rhonda misses out! Keep asking them out – you can second guess things as I sometimes do and it leads nowhere. she may have well been checking you out – you never know – she came over to meet you, that doesn\’t necessarily mean she felt pity. Maybe the other guy was a friend or cousin or something. Keeping an open mind will lead you to something great! I just wrote about list making and schedules today too! I have such a hard time following scheuldes and having a routine and have gone back and forth with my doctors about the need for more of a schedule. Somehow being in photography makes it hard as the assignments come and go and in between like these past couple of days I find myself tired and a bit lost and a sudden switch in schedules.i\’m so glad you wrote about today. i was wondering how you were doing at one point today and then was embarassed like okay – I know Colin through blog land -and here I am waiting in the grocery store line wondering how his assistant was today. pretty weird. should probably delete that -nah – you know how I think of just about everything in a given moment out of the blue so I\’ll leave it. I am so glad that it went well. It might be nice that he isn\’t like your normal friends as you mentioned. Sometimes what I need in my quiet times is much different than what I need amongst some of my louder friends. It becomes nice to have a variety in life. People that you can be different around as well. I have one friend that is a master of being quiet. She is often one that I love being around because I know that I can be quiet around her and it isn\’t weird feeling. She has also taught me to listen more and talk less at times and that has enhanced my life and friendships. well, speaking of not talking so much this is a long one and I am feeling a bit quiet myself. I completely forgot I have an art show this weekend -duh and had a day of catching up and everything going a bit haywire. I\’m ready to call it a day. Dream big -best wishes – patti

  2. Unknown says:

    Colin, that is definitely an odd experience you described. I have to agree with Patti, as another female, it sounds to me like she was interested in you. I think overall men and women never feel like they really know the opposite sex, but you described something perfectly. If a girl approaches a guy, and isn\’t necessarily saying anything, but isn\’t leaving either, that would indicate to me she still has interest, and is maybe waiting for the guy to say something. If all she wanted to do was just talk to you, it does seem like she did it in quite a confusing way. If it makes you feel better, after spending 3 months in boot camp, living with 60 women 24/7, I can totally vouch for the fact that intentionally or unintentionally, we can drive people CRAZY!!I found that being in the military, you find that you form close bonds and sometimes long lasting friendships with people who, in the civilian world, you would never have associated with. People, who had you not been in the military, you know you would have never been friends with. Sometimes, the only thing you have in common is that you are both in the same place, at the same time. Two totally different people thrown together by coincidence. Sometimes it’s a good mix, sometimes not. It sounds like you’re in this situation now. Establishing a schedule sounds like a great way to alleviate any tension there may be if you don’t have anything for Bob to do, or it seems like he is looking for something to do. What’s good though is it sounds like Bob is a pretty easy going person, and if he’s quiet, as a fellow acute hearing annoyance sufferer, I think you totally lucked out..!! Take care Colin,~Andrea~

  3. Tricia says:

    I meant to ask you whom you went to go see? You know it is really odd; I was at a concert on Friday watching a local band. Anyways-long story short there was a guy in a power chair there and he accidentally ran over my foot (those things are like a car man). I got really pissed off and let him know he needed to watch his driving (my foot is now really ugly and blue – open toe shoes are out). After that I chatted with him, but had no motives with this dude. My point is maybe she was into you, maybe she just wanted to chat, and you should not size up her intentions because you don’t know. Maybe she that photographer I sent for your modeling pictures – you never know. Just like you don’t not want people judging you, I don’t think you should judge the hot girl’s motives. You don’t know it was out of pity therefore should not assume. As you said so yourself, people tend to see the goodness of your soul through your eyes – so maybe that’s why she came up to you. Maybe she is like me who has a brother who is being coming slowly paralyzed and is completely freaked out by it. Not to lecture – if it seems that way I am so sorry – but it just seems like you judge her intentions without really knowing.

  4. Tricia says:

    I meant to ask you whom you went to go see? You know it is really odd; I was at a concert on Friday watching a local band. Anyways-long story short there was a guy in a power chair there and he accidentally ran over my foot (those things are like a car man). I got really pissed off and let him know he needed to watch his driving (my foot is now really ugly and blue – open toe shoes are out). After that I chatted with him, but had no motives with this dude. My point is maybe she was into you, maybe she just wanted to chat, and you should not size up her intentions because you don’t know. Maybe she that photographer I sent for your modeling pictures – you never know. Just like you don’t not want people judging you, I don’t think you should judge the hot girl’s motives. You don’t know it was out of pity therefore should not assume. As you said so yourself, people tend to see the goodness of your soul through your eyes – so maybe that’s why she came up to you. Maybe she is like me who has a brother who is being coming slowly paralyzed and is completely freaked out by it. Not to lecture – if it seems that way I am so sorry – but it just seems like you judge her intentions without really knowing.

  5. Anita says:

    Why do you think that she aproached you out of pity?I am not sure why you\’d think that. You do have a lot to offer… Or did I miss something?As far as Bob… It might be acward for a while. Try to find out why he is doing what he is doing.There are far too many people that get into medicine for the money, but there are thouse like… myself ;-))… that are truly called.You know, most of my \’patients\’ have became a family!I hvae posted something very personal on my blog. I know that you and your dad do not always get along, and i would like you to read it…Not as a lesson for you to learn, but as a fellow \’blog dork\’ with a wound…Hope you\’r feeling well.Tell Bob I said \’hi\’.-Anita

  6. Patricia says:

    Ha! Your ears must have been ringing because I just posted a blog that through reading your blog and reading a book – i realized a few things. I\’m gonna start working towards things a bit differently. Looking forward to it – but after I posted the entry I saw you were there. THought i would tell you about my appreciation to you and your progress. You always teach me new things. I appreciate that. You are an inspiration and wonderful. my best to you always and real proud of all that you have done! -patti

  7. Tina says:

    Hey Colin,I am glad that Bob seems like a good guy overall. And I think its good that you do alot of analysis about what you might want in a caregiver. You are going to be spending alot of time with him so you might as well like him. As for the girl at the concert, it does seem kind of wierd how it all transpired. Why did you think that the guy she was with was her boyfriend? But either way, I think its great that you took a risk there because you never know.And you know, you will probably never understand women. We plan it that way. Just when you get close to thinking you understand something we just change the rules…..Hope you and Bob had a good day!Tina

  8. CallieHuggles says:

    Hey Colin, take it from someone Nearly Twice your age,Iffin You have figure out women LOL… All women would WANT YOU, Think You want MEN, or all men would want to BUY YOUR MIND… It hasn\’t been done well by Man yet, nor woman very well either.. Hence the entire conflict LOL..and BTW.. Lot sof us get tongue tied when we meet a good looking guy and can\’t get paste hello, we figure at least we got out That much, isn\’t he going to say MORE? ;-)Keith, Johnny, Dunny, Charlie, Bethany, Lots of my friends can relate to what you are going through at many stages, some of them have not even gotten to have care takers available to them…the adjustments don\’t come over nght.. I know of familial and Non familial care-takers my-self, and am ready to go for the NON Familal again myself, as I decline…I keep trying to post here, and see losts of others can, I guess it\’s my msn and no one elses ..Take it one day at a time.. I hope your TMI is not as bad as some of ours to let you do schedualng better than I TRY TO, and I have multi back ups for my back ups.. my biggest thing is remembering what day it is ;-)One minute at a day sometimes, but one day at a time is all we have, and you took a chance today, so keep takingleaps of faith…When we Lose control of Body Function, WE ARE able to tap into further function of INTERNAL SELF…Time does take time… Bit without the process of Greif,and the stages of it, we are yet able to move forward fully…Have Faith in You Mind being stronger than all,Your Spirit Being able to Overcome barriers of the vessel that carries our SOUL….Spirituality Can really help us through more than we ever believed..and that can be whatever eans you find it in…{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Huggles }}}}}}}}}}}}}}Hope this posts goes throughcallie

  9. Tricia says:

    OH no please don\’t say Thrice sucked, I am going to that same show on the 16th. It is Thrice, UnderOath, The Bled and Veda at the show I am going to. Queens of the Stone Age already pissed me off cause when I saw them with NIN they sucked, then they played that following Wed and they sucked there to – then had the nerve to yell at the crowd saying Austin was a bunch of ______. From a girl I will tell you honestly, we will never be cut and dry – neither are you. You just got to get into your grove and you will find your "soft beauty." Just like any guy you are going to find a few b**** along they way, but you will find her.

  10. Unknown says:

    Hi Colin-That\’s great that you\’ve now got an attendant. I think you should ask Bob what he has done with previous clients. Pick his brain to get an idea of how they worked their schedules, things he\’s done for them, etc. Maybe he can even refer you to some of them so you can get their insight into having an attendant. You\’re probably going to have to get over the concern about him doing nothing while you do your thing. Unless you have specific things planned for your whole time together, he will have gaps of down time.As for the hot girl…I\’m not so sure it was pity, either. Most people, I think, pity from afar, unless you\’re talking about Mr. T…"I pity the fool…" Ooookay, never mind. And did she and the guy do something to indicate to you that they were boyfriend and girlfriend? If not, they were probably just friends. Keep up your great attitude when girls come around. You sound like you\’ve got a good rap going… ;0) Just be yourself and hopefully the conversation will flow. If not, think of something unique to compliment the girl on…pretty jewelry, color shirt she\’s wearing looks good on her, nice shoes, purse, outfit, hair, etc. That will hopefully touch on a topic she can open up about. If all else fails, get Steve Martin to help you out… (Roxanne)Take care and have a great day!

  11. Anita says:

    Ummm… perhaps she did it becouse you are so darn cute… or perhaps she was curious and sort of like me and wanted to ask:-What did you do to your hair????- ;-)))))Anita

  12. Patricia says:

    HEy Colin! Hope you had a good day. How\’s Bob? Did you ever see Bill Murray in "what about Bob" – i like the name Bob – but I always think of the movie – so what about Bob? I also used to joke with my docs when they went on vacation -(you won;t understand this if you haven\’t seen the movie) – anyway you inspired me to start a more scheduled day possibly but my first try at it was a total bust. I was like Calamity Jane – My mom uses that term -no idea who Calamity Jane is really. Everything went wrong and I was a maniac – it has gotten humorous! Total sitcom! Anyway, Am attempting a positive outlook for tomorrow\’s plans. Like it or not I need to seriously get some stuff done for a show I forgot as previously mentioned. Messed that up. Photo paper was lef tin the rain by UPS today – I was like are you kidding me? Anyway, hope second day or is it the third day? with Bob is going well. I\’m delirous and going to bed -dream big – patti

  13. Patricia says:

    Okay so I\’m leaving your site and my new computer does this thumbnail version of what ever the person\’s first photo album is – it is tiny but it sort of starts going through the picture slide show on its own behalf – so I look at the one that is up before I exit and you had serious biceps when that photo was taken – have you heard of muscle memory? It is an interesting thing and I studied it some when i lost weight because the muscles that I had not used in years showed up and i had my old figure skating body just like that – it was bizarre -the doc\’s said it was "muscle memory". I never looked into it but i know you are trying to build up your strength. Something made me think of the term and thought I\’d share it.

  14. Unknown says:

    Colin,Glad to hear your first day with Bob went o.k. Hopefully the adjustment gets easier for you as the days pass. As for not understanding the female race……my hubby informed my 12 year old son that he will never be able to figure out girls/women. He sighed, "I know", with a bewildered look on his face. Keep trying though! And it may not have been pity….that chic sounded weird to me.roxanne

  15. Patricia says:

    Hi -how is it going -you are right scheduling life a bit better- I\’m on my second day of trying to be better. My computer for photo is driving me a bit nuts though. miss the darkroom big time. Loved the darkroom. Printers and color match make me want to cry. But hey it looks more artistic I suppose when the magenta is blue. agh. well guess I\’ll figure it out. I figured out what is excellent. Good, I think if it is what I\’m thinking. As always my very best to you. 🙂 patti

  16. Patricia says:

    What about Bob?? Hope he is good! 🙂

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