I’m not who I think I am I just am

   I have recently started rereading the book “Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle.  I first read the book several months ago and it deeply impacted me, making me want to change my entire outlook on life.  As time has passed however, the key points of the book have faded away and I seem to be falling into the traps the book had previously warned me of.  The book’s main concept is overall very simple but as I read, the words and concepts go beyond simplicity and bring forth the root cause of suffering in our lives.

   The author was once a deeply troubled young man who woke up one morning and decided he had nothing left to live for.  Suicidal thoughts raced through his mind as he told himself, I cannot live with myself any longer.  Suddenly an epiphany was realized.  He realized that by saying he could not live with himself meant there must be two of him.  One being his true self and the other being a false sense of self somehow created through delusions.  This realization set him free of bondage and released him into consciousness.  He looked around the room and for the first time in his life truly saw.  Not many people are fortunate enough to truly realize the chains that bind them and be released into this bliss.  Many can understand the factors which are holding them back but must still struggle and fight for realization.  To understand, is not to realize, but understanding is better than living life in the clouds.

   The false sense of self Eckhart Tolle was able to rid himself of is created by an identification with the mind.  The majority of people’s minds are filled with a barrage of thoughts which are constantly voicing their opinions in silence.  The voice of the mind is almost always connected with events which have occurred in the past or events which have yet to occur.  On a daily basis we carry around pains from our past or anticipations for the future.  Subconsciously we begin to identify with judgments of our past, how things could have been, or how things should have been.  Without even realizing it these thoughts become who we are and a sense of identity is developed.  This sense of identity is also called the ego.  On a day-to-day basis we make decisions according to this false sense of identity and our future unfolds rooted in fear.  Negative emotions arise out of nowhere and we think it’s just who we are but nothing could be further from the truth.  The emotions arise from a false sense of self-created by the mind whom we have identified with and is pulling us further and further away from the perfect presence of who we truly are.  We are an essence of spirit, perfectly residing in the Now with no attachments to anything but purity and love.

   The main point is that suffering is not natural but is created by an identification with the mind which separates us from the only thing that matters, this very moment.  It is widely accepted that we us humans do not have the power to control our minds.  It seems to be an engine that cannot be stopped and is constantly pumping in the realm of our subconscious.  The first step is to simply separate yourself from identification with the mind.  This is done by becoming a silent witness to your thoughts.  Instead of letting your thoughts control you, you observe the voice inside your head.  You become aware of when negative thoughts are occurring and banish the ones which simply make no sense.  Many times the thought which is harming you is not spoken clearly but may arise through emotions of anger or depression.  This is handled in the same way.  You separate yourself from the emotion and observe the occurrence without judgment.  By doing so the negative thought patterns are brought to the surface and can be discarded.  The more you separate yourself from the ego, the false self, the more you reside in your true being.

   I have a lot of pain I’m carrying around with me from my past which causes me to many times live within a state of suffering.  Anger, sadness, and other negative emotions arise without reason but I know stem from my identification with a false self.  It’s scary to break away from this identification because that would mean stripping away my identity, but it’s not my true identity I’m breaking away from.  My true self contains no suffering but only bliss and joy.

   “The secret of life is to die before you die and find that there is no death.”

– Eckhart Tolle

   This past weekend I found myself extremely nervous and anxious about the coming week.  I was just not looking forward to more time spent training Bob and was dreading all the uncomfortable situations.  Also despite the excitement I felt concerning my upcoming experiences with Adam I found myself stressed over the situation and imagining all that could go wrong.  I’ve been trying hard to start coming up with schedules for my week so that Bob knows when to come over but I can never say when Adam would do a session.  I really just wished I had nothing going on so I could prepare and always be ready for session with Adam. 

   Well the week has started and I’m discovering that my dread was much worse than the actual experience of this week.  Bob helped out with a lot of personal stuff yesterday and it wasn’t nearly as bad as I had imagined.  It gets frustrating sometimes having to give detailed directions about everything but slowly I’ll have to give less and less directions.  He seems to be a quick learner about a lot of things and it simply is going to take some patients on my part.  I have decided to stop judging whether our personalities mix correctly because it’s just too early to tell.

   Scheduling continues to be difficult for me but I believe is slowly coming together.  The more I schedule, the easier it will come to me and the more likely I am to figure out a certain type of schedule that I like.  The rest of the week involves Power soccer, rugby, getting a soccer guard for my chair, gym workouts, and a healing session with Adam.

 

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8 Responses to I’m not who I think I am I just am

  1. Tricia says:

    I think I have read that book – not sure but it sounds familar. I think I have scrambled brains, everything seems to just run together and I am not quite sure where it came from. Do you have healing sessions with Adam everyday? I think I am failing to understand how it works I guess – sorry because I think it is really cool and would like to. Is he at one place, you are at home and he works with you through his mind? Sorry – forgive me for sounding dumb – this is just new stuff to me. Have a good week off to stare at these medicaid forms ( I think they just might fill themselves out 🙂

  2. Patricia says:

    I love this entry. I think some of it is what I was trying to say before in a random way. I think my accident helped me to seperate the different parts of myself because in a sense I didn\’t have the wisdom to keep them together. If that makes any sense at all. The identity I knew and everything I was felt stripped away by the accident. It was almost like everything was new -this was scary but I didn\’t have the sense to be scared about it at the time. I saw with new eyes noticing things the way that I explain a child does and felt an odd sense of peace. The hardest part has been rebuilding and getting my life to coorespond with other\’s expectations and society\’s expectations. In a sense I have tried not to -becoming an artist has given me some of this freedom to be a bit different and that has been a gift that allows me to hold on to the feeling of "just being." Because so few "get it" I spend a lot of time alone but don\’t mind, sort of like a kid playing, but I\’m not sure that is healthy. I do take time to be with people as I love people and am a people person but I find that the things I notice and love about them are from a more genuine place. I really like them for themselves. This has enhanced my relationship with others. I recently got an e-mail from a friend who is a busy lawyer and leads a very stressful life, who mentioned that even though the schedule had ebbed that panic was felt because it felt uncomfortable not to be in a state of worry and panic. I found this interesting. I think a lot that we do in life is a distraction to keep our busy minds busy. I don\’t know. I feel myself have trouble keeping away fears about things because my once really hectic life is less hectic. Every once and awhile and this feels terrible to admit but sometimes when I am just happy, I feel my mind scanning for something that might be wrong -like I need to be "ready" or something. In the past couple of days I have had sort of a rough time and suddenly realized this. I was nervous about one thing but had transferred that fear to something else completely. It sounds absurd. I have also been finding that as I try to schedule things -I am keeping my mind more free by writing down a list – I have been avoiding a lot of scheduling and routine due to the fact that I stink at planning ahead. However, making the list at a set time has actually let me live more in the present moment because I\’m not fretting about an overwhelming feeling of plans all over the place. Thanks you inspire me on so many fronts. You make me think and realize things. You learn so much and by sharing your journey, you are so helpful -I hope you know that. You have helped me and for that I am forever grateful. -patti

  3. Patricia says:

    Sorry don\’t mean to clog your blog but I left your site and came back – I thought for a minute about what I was grateful for and thought I would explain. The seperation from my identity was something that was shattering and that I had no control over. The accident was frightening and when I think of it, I can\’t help but shutter. I struggled for a long time to find the girl I once was. Clinging to the memories and feeling desperate to get that girl back. I will always miss the years that I have little recollection of – I feel that loss and grieve it. I will probably always miss the skills I once had that are now very difficult.But you have helped me realize some positives to what has been very difficult to me. Finding a peace or a calm in the storm -something positive that might have come out of a tragedy. This is a gift that is pretty amazing. Thanks.I think that if one good thing that has come out of blogging is realizing a bit more about myself and how I feel about things and also reading others sites\’ such as yours which brings me to new perspecitves.There are painful times in my past that I wish I could change as well as times in my present, but I do the best I can with them. I have however stopped clinging to the girl I once was and am okay or getting better at who I am today. I wish a lot were different. I once had one kind new friend support me when I was hysterically crying about something and then the conversation turned to missing being the old me, she said, "I don\’t know who you were, but I like who you are -and remember your soul is still the same soul and nothing can change that." There was some comfort in that. My soul was not connected to the painful parts or the things I wished I could change in the past or the present – what she basically meant was that the "essence" of who I was, was always with me. This helped me bridge a gap that felt like a painful abyss. I thank you for helping me to see the good in the present moments, in the present me, in the way that I have little choice over but for seeing the positives to something I was struggling with. I appreciate it. -patti

  4. Shannon says:

    Hey Colin,I know what you are saying about hanging on to past experiences and making decisions based upon those. I just recently went out of my comfort zone in a BIG way (kind of told you about it in the email) which is very unlike who or how I used to be. I decided I couldnt cling to those beliefs any longer. I still want updates about your sessions with Adam…but I know you will keep me posted!Take care bud!Shannon

  5. KATIE says:

    Colin, You are truely an inspiration! I really don\’t have the words to describe how I am feeling at this moment after reading your words. Life always seems to take interesting twists and turns, doesn\’t it?Enjoy the journey! That journey is what makes us who we are!Katie

  6. Anita says:

    Funny… not like ha ha… that you wrote this.I finished my skiing story and it reminds me of this post…I am sure that everything will work out fine, and you will heal my friend.-Anita

  7. Katherine says:

    What do you wish Bob knew intuitively rather than things you have to tell him?

  8. Patricia says:

    Hey Colin – If I never believed in the human spirit – I would after tonight. People on these MSN spaces are truly amazing. I guess in the scheme of having a rough couple of days, I was amazed to find sort of miracles in places that I didn\’t really expect or realize. I found the strength and support as I watched people pull together and share their stories and comments as I roamed around. It was truly pretty magical. I thought I would share this with you. I thought that you would see it too. It sort of refreshed my spirit and hopes and amazement at the human spirit. It is so strong. Even somewhere like MSN blog-world. It gave me great hope and I wished to tell you about it for some reason – maybe because I know that you are looking for that connection with Adam. I do believe that that connection is possible. After tonight I am amazed at the way the heart can open and share and give and yes, even receive. I hope that you are doing really well. I am sorry to post another note. You must be getting sick of me – I have been off assignment for the past couple of days at work and have had much time free. This has been nice and has taken a bit of adjustment. I am online way too much. But it has been pretty magical really. Best to you – patti

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