Rewards

I still have not figured out what the term God means or what it stands for but I often hear that God never gives us situations we cannot handle and may not provide us with what we want but will always provide what we need.  Has anybody else heard this before?

This statement does not really provide me with much comfort but makes me feel rather depressed.  When I look at my life and what I’m going through I discern that I could handle a great many things.  If I was to stay in the exact same physical condition I am at this moment, yes I could go on with my life and probably find happiness.  I could go on to say that I even think I may be able to handle much worse, not that I would want to of course.  So I understand that God may not be providing me with all that I want and is giving me all that I need, but what about rewards?  Even though I could eventually be content with the way things are does this mean that I cannot be rewarded with something greater than what I need?  Does God only give people life situations that are a bit more than what they can handle, any less leaving them lost and strangled?

I do believe God rewards us all.  I wonder however if I will find my rewards in something that God has already given me.  Maybe the constant search for God’s rewards outside of our present situations is what drives us to the edge, to the brink of insanity.  Waiting for the moment when God says, OK you’ve had enough, now I will provide.  Instead, it might be better to discover the rewards which are hidden within what is already provided and being content with that.  To discover, not just understand that yes I do have everything I need and then suddenly more than you need begins to flood into your life.  Not that the flood of supplies would not have happened anyways, but now you can realize it is occurring because you have fully accepted what has been given to you already so that you are no longer expecting a reward which seems fit.  To accept that you need no reward, may be the biggest reward of all.

Do I need rewards?  No.  Do I want rewards?  Yes.  Does my want cancel out my feeling of contentment leaving me hopelessly grasping for rewards which will never fulfill my yearning?  I’m not sure.

I broke my neck and am now paralyzed.  It’s not an easy thing to say out loud and let resonate within my soul.  Lately I’ve been waking up each day and feeling as if I have actually woken up to reality and not a dream.  The reality of what has happened to me seems to be finally sinking in.  I have been carrying it around with me, not accepted letting it peck and chisel away without even realizing it.  I will be rewarded as all of us will, but one cannot be rewarded until they accept what has already been given to them.  Full acceptance of my past and present has yet to arrive, but I’m getting there.  There’s no need for acceptance of the future.  It has yet to be decided.

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4 Responses to Rewards

  1. Shannon says:

    Colin,So true about not having to accept the future. No one knows what that future holds, regardless of our situation. You are a wonderful person and I know you will have a bright future, no matter what you do. My future is looking brighter for a change…brighter than it has for a long time. But many things had to change…I had to make some changes in order for it to be a bright future again.Take care bud!Shannon

  2. Patricia says:

    I am always surprised when I read your entries – we think similarily sometimes and I often feel as if you are writing something familar to me. i have heard the above quote much – I have heard it frequently in rehab as well. I heard it in the patio of rehab practically everyday. The thing that I always found ironic was that I worked in hospitals and rehab before ending up as a patient there. I remember the same sort of feeling if (I am understanding you) of sort of shock and wonder of is this my reward? to become a patient myself when I have been working here everyday with all my heart and love. (I\’m sort of embarassed to admit that I felt this way at first which I\’ll explain later). I remember hearing about a famous doctor for heart surgery in my city at the time dying suddenly of a heart attack. I remember thinking -my gosh – he has fixed so many hearts, he has saved so many lives – how could God do that? I don\’t know the answers. I have found though that everything is in a sense its own reward. Reward is a hard word for me – I don\’t really get its real meaning in a way. There have been times that I have received an award or recognition for something and felt it sort of weird and unnecessary, though I appreciated the gesture. I recently wrote an entry about being content. I have a hard time with content. Colin, I absolutely believe that you have much love and happiness in your future. I also believe that currently you have the most amazing capacities. You have been a great teacher, healer and friend to me. You have a way of thinking that is unique and extraordinary. You have talent that I am not sure that you are fully aware of. There is a depth and beauty about you that is at your very spot of being. You are really spectacular and have many qualities that there are almost no correct words for – a bit like that symphony. My best to you. patti

  3. Katherine says:

    ". . .but I often hear that God never gives us situations we cannot handle and may not provide us with what we want but will always provide what we need. Has anybody else heard this before? " That is a horsecrap platitude that people blab out out their butts when they don\’t know what to say. It\’s not a biblical premise to say that God "gives" us any of the situations we find ourselves in or that the one he "gives" us will be what we can handle. I think we get into loads of situations because of our free will, many of which we really can\’t "handle". Regardless, God is still God and God is still good and while this life can be crap – – – God is still good.

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