This statement does not really provide me with much comfort but makes me feel rather depressed. When I look at my life and what I’m going through I discern that I could handle a great many things. If I was to stay in the exact same physical condition I am at this moment, yes I could go on with my life and probably find happiness. I could go on to say that I even think I may be able to handle much worse, not that I would want to of course. So I understand that God may not be providing me with all that I want and is giving me all that I need, but what about rewards? Even though I could eventually be content with the way things are does this mean that I cannot be rewarded with something greater than what I need? Does God only give people life situations that are a bit more than what they can handle, any less leaving them lost and strangled?
I do believe God rewards us all. I wonder however if I will find my rewards in something that God has already given me. Maybe the constant search for God’s rewards outside of our present situations is what drives us to the edge, to the brink of insanity. Waiting for the moment when God says, OK you’ve had enough, now I will provide. Instead, it might be better to discover the rewards which are hidden within what is already provided and being content with that. To discover, not just understand that yes I do have everything I need and then suddenly more than you need begins to flood into your life. Not that the flood of supplies would not have happened anyways, but now you can realize it is occurring because you have fully accepted what has been given to you already so that you are no longer expecting a reward which seems fit. To accept that you need no reward, may be the biggest reward of all.
Do I need rewards? No. Do I want rewards? Yes. Does my want cancel out my feeling of contentment leaving me hopelessly grasping for rewards which will never fulfill my yearning? I’m not sure.
I broke my neck and am now paralyzed. It’s not an easy thing to say out loud and let resonate within my soul. Lately I’ve been waking up each day and feeling as if I have actually woken up to reality and not a dream. The reality of what has happened to me seems to be finally sinking in. I have been carrying it around with me, not accepted letting it peck and chisel away without even realizing it. I will be rewarded as all of us will, but one cannot be rewarded until they accept what has already been given to them. Full acceptance of my past and present has yet to arrive, but I’m getting there. There’s no need for acceptance of the future. It has yet to be decided.