In the past I would have thought that in this moment God stood in the heavens shaking His head in disappointment and the only way to condone my behavior would be to beg for forgiveness. I now know that anger is not God’s forte and He does not work in these ways. I do not know in what exact ways He does work but I do know that He does not shun me for not attending church one morning. It is my responsibility concerning whether or not I would like to experience God and no matter what choice I make God is still there peaceful and unchanging. My choices do not affect Him, they only affect me.
I have felt rather solemn and isolated lately. It has been neither a good nor a bad thing, just been going through a short experience of disconnection between mind and reality. I can explain it more so by describing it as a lack of desire to expand my consciousness of what is real while absorbing myself in activities which distract me from the larger puzzle pieces of my life. The pieces which matter more but are hard to grasp, harder to harness the power of, but are capable of enlightening the mind and spirit. This may be hard to understand since I’m not going into specifics but we all go through it so try and understand it through your own experiences.
I’ve tried to fully except my emotions and let them run their course. Once accepted, it has been rather peaceful sitting back and not constantly trying to harness the inner powers of life. Some days I wake up and I just don’t feel like being strong. I don’t feel like digging down deep to find the peace within myself and shoving aside the layers and layers of bullshit, for lack of a better word, that I have created over the years. It is always so much easier to give into the emotional baggage of past and future rather then living through the peaceful presence within. It takes a great amount of strength for me each day to not live by what I have labeled as the problems in my life. It is not our true nature to live by these labels. One can know this by observing the birds, the squirrels and multitudes of life all around. These animals do not fret, do not worry over what cannot be controlled. They know nothing of time, of problems. I do not understand why as humans we can not live by the same laws. I do not understand why it’s so hard for us to discover our true nature. If only it felt as natural to be at peace as it does to not. Whatever the reason, sometimes one must accept the emotional baggage to find the peace.
The healthiest way for me to let emotions run their course is to step back and observe the emotions as a separate witness. This way I am not identifying with the emotions so that they completely take over me and my awareness allows me to realize when a glimpse of peace is there. I glimpse of peace happens when suddenly you realize there’s nothing of life to worry over and all that matters is the exact moment. After coming down from my standing frame last evening I was feeling hot and had a sudden urge to go outside into the cold darkness of the night. In nothing but a long sleeved shirt and a taboggin, I rolled down the ramp into the frigid air. I immediately wanted to go back inside but fought the urge and rolled out onto the driveway. I carefully drove off of the driveway and into the street and soaked in my new surroundings. I’m not used to viewing the surroundings of my house beneath the stars as I’m usually afraid of the coldness. Everything seemed to jump out at me with an odd sense of brightness and mystery. I looked up and down the street and could not see a soul in sight. I decided to follow some advice my dad gave me, a rare occasion, and turned my speed all the way up and took off down the street. The cold air stung my cheeks and cleansed my eyes. As I cut around the cul-de-sac my adrenaline jumped as I struggled to keep my balance and stay within control of the chair. I made it back to the front of my house and came to a stop. My breath had quickened as well as my heart and I felt alive. I enjoyed the feeling so much that I took off down the street again, this time spinning around the cul-de-sac with a bit more confidence. When I got back to my house my eyes had watered up from the wind and flashbacks emerged from my various experiences with speed and cold air in the mountains.
I sat on my driveway and breathed the moment. It was a glimpse of peace. Whenever I have these glimpses I never want to let go. I want to live in a glimpse for the rest of my life but it always slowly comes to an end as the emotional baggage creeps back into my consciousness. But by stepping back and witnessing rather than getting caught up in an identity that is not my true self I can continue to glimpse, and in doing so hopefully they will no longer be glimpses but a routine way of living.
I believe my sessions with Adam may have come to an end. I have not heard from Adams correspondent in about two weeks now. I still believe that Adam’s healing effects could be within me but must only be brought to the surface. I’ve lately been having more sensation in my right calf and has actually been somewhat painful. If I am to get significant recovery, I’m going to have to endure some pain which I am more than willing to live through.
It was brought to my attention that since we all have healing capabilities I should have my own healing session for all those who wish to participate. This would be nothing to be afraid or skeptical about, it would simply be a gathering of people at a certain time where each person would focus their energies however pleases them towards the intention of my healing. This can be done through meditation, prayer, or a dance, it does not matter. As long as your intentions are positive and pure.
I had started a designated prayer time a while ago but at that time I was not very focused or faithful at the effects of distant healing. I must be fully willing to accept the intentions of others for the effects to take place. I believe my mental state at the present moment is much better concerning my faith in people’s healing abilities.
I will set up a time soon. I am thinking sometime in the evening during the week would be best for those participating.