I’m feeling rather lost at the moment.  I can hear the voices of workers outside my bedroom window, discussing plans for sidewalks and ramps.  My dad is upstairs in a phone meeting, Bob is supposed to come over at 1:30, and I have an appointment with my therapist at two o’clock.  My nursing supervisor for the CAP program called this morning and told my mother that I need to come up with a set schedule.  I don’t know what will happen if I don’t.  I guess they can remove me from the program if they want to.  I find myself not knowing what I can and cannot talk about in this blog recently.  I never know who could be reading this.  I always tend to write about exactly what is going on and I seem to give out my web site address like it’s some sort of promotion.  Maybe I should be more careful about that or maybe I should just be more careful about what I write, or maybe I should just right what ever I want and not care who reads it.  Probably not the best idea.

Not that I have anything bad to say about anyone.  I knew sooner or later my flaky schedule making would not be supported for too long.  I was hoping however that I would get some more time in getting used to this whole nurses aid business before they tell me to buckle down.  It’s no fun having other people run your life but I suppose this concept goes for all of us in some way or another.  Nobody has full control over their life.  There’s always someone dictating what time we need to do things and where.

It was brought to my attention that I should also have prayer/healing sessions that focuses on everyone.  This led me to think that maybe I’m being selfish in gathering people to focus on me.  Thinking that possibly I might be thinking about myself too much.  I don’t think this is the case however.  I think people want to help me and would find pleasure in participating in something that might do so.  Please correct me if I’m wrong.

Bob cannot help me on Wednesdays and Fridays anymore.  I’m not sure why.  The agency is going to send out more people for me to meet.  To explain further about how this all works, the CAP program is the government agency.  They themselves do not hire the nurses aides.  They find other agencies that work with them, who will provide the aides.  The agency I have been working with has been very nice but has been hinting at the fact that I need more hours.  With 38 hours I can pretty much tell them I need someone five days a week all morning and all afternoon.  This would leave somebody in my life constantly whether I need their help at the moment or not.  When I don’t need their help, I guess they would sit around and entertain themselves.  I really would rather not have this be the case but I believe that the CAP program as well as the agency would rather have me do this than having a random schedule each week.  I think they make more money this way as well.

The past several days I have not focused too much on finding my inner peace.  I have sat with my emotions and let them be.  I have not let myself feel guilty about straying from my spiritual search.  It’s funny, but during this period of disconnection I have had several moments in which I have felt complete peace.  It seems in not trying so hard to find peace, it has been easier to experience.

Yesterday I actually found myself excited about swimming.  I was actually looking forward to it.  Looking forward to something.  I can’t believe it.  I find myself rarely looking forward to much of anything.  If anything fun or exciting is about to come along, I find that the reminder of my paralysis tends to negate my excitement.  I finally faxed my Shepherd Center forms for the day program yesterday.  I am excited about returning to Atlanta for more therapy.  Some of it’s not going to be easy or comfortable.  The luxuries of my home will be gone as we stay in little tiny apartments, with little tiny kitchens, with little tiny bathrooms, and little tiny beds.  I will also have to strip my self conscious habits as I try to gain some independence which will probably involve me being naked or partially naked.  If I get naked, I think everyone should get naked.  Unless my parents are there.  I don’t really want to see them naked.  Or other guys, I don’t really want to see them naked either.

I think my random tangent is over for now.  I really have just talked nonstop.  Let’s see if my therapist can help clear up all these thoughts.

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9 Responses to Tangent

  1. Patricia says:

    Hey there! Sorry I was away on holiday and then photo assignment. I just spend ten hours on the road on the road in the pouring rain. I\’m exhausted and feel really sick with a splintering headache. It is the worst -it hurts to look out my eyes. I did read your posts to catch up. I thought of you several times and have wished you all the best in my mind. That sounds kinda corny but I\’ve gotten used to "talking" to you here. It sounds as though CAP is trying to help out as much as possible which is good compared to the opposite. i can;t think clearly but will write more later – Glad to hear about Shephard and your plans. – i especially loved hearing about your trip down to the end of the cul-de-sac. Ya got me smiling there-headache and all. Also i gotta say that there is much to be said about your paragraph – "The past several days I have not focused too much on finding my inner peace. I have sat with my emotions and let them be. I have not let myself feel guilty about straying from my spiritual search. It\’s funny, but during this period of disconnection I have had several moments in which I have felt complete peace. It seems in not trying so hard to find peace, it has been easier to experience" – I find this sometimes to be so true as I have experienced peace this way as well in the company of kids or when I am more acting like a kid – and not serious. It was a weird quality I learned when i couldn\’t focus on the past or on the future when I was first hurt. My best your way as always -ps. I like the idea of having a session for you – that would be cool – normally when I write or think of you I send ya all my postitive thoughts along as I write. 🙂 -patti

  2. Patricia says:

    I just read your comment in my section – So sorry I didn\’t mention I was going anywhere – it felt weird putting it out there publically that I would be away, and then my trip got extended with a job – sorry if I let you down in any way – I didn\’t have internet where I was and rarely even had cell phone reception either -it was like working in the middle of nowhere. I really missed MSN actually, I have learned much here and really do care about you all. ,much love, patti

  3. Unknown says:

    Colin,So you don\’t want to see your parents or the guys naked. Basically you want to get naked with the hot chics. Hehe. Good luck on that one.roxanne

  4. CallieHuggles says:

    Hi Colin… Ohhh Boy, I sure understand the newness of all of this…I can\’t wait to get my dog either, but I have to.. I wn\’t be available for training and home yet to have one… One day soon…the Scheduale can be a pain, one thing you can ask yur provider too is if they have access to a PC and if they are handling the Doctor and Therapy scheduales for you or are you…If they are or you are, you can use a SHARED calender, Like MSN, OUTLOOK and Yahoo have….I use that with mine, she preffers to scheduale for me, which works out great because I don\’t have to forget since I have TBI like Patti… and with My spinal cord Injuries, and all of the other Physical needs… it\’s much easier if I just let them Time managment that for me…What you need to Know is that YOU are the Boss, they may not have explained that to you, but THAT IS how it works…. If there is certain care you preffer to do yourself, like B&B, Do it whie you can, and ask them to use that time for ROM, bill gathering, so you can get your bills or paperwork done…They can meal plan for you to make sure you are getting your nutrition needs met, they do not have to sit around, they can do shopping, laundry, house cleaning… there are two types, your Nurse, and In Home Health care..Having Personal Time is always needed…If you have not noticed, I do not really worry about who\’s toes I step on when it comes to being honest on my blog, and it\’s world wide since the end of July… But Doctors, Politicians, all sorts of people have it, and I have a right to say what I want… You are not using REAL FULL names…If BOB suddenly is not able to work the full amount of hours he is schedualed for and you have to split them up, cal the main office, and ask them how THEY handle it…You should now have a social worker who deals with those problems…Like I said, if ever you need any help with the system….feel free to call on me, I have left my email here for youPatti and Tricia Both have talked to me on the phone, they can vouch for me as not being a whacko…Just another Pro Patient, that has learned this stuff by having had to fight for it for other\’s MANY MANY years, before I became one Myself…{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Huggles }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}You are doing just fine…we don\’t have to have MASTER check on Emotions 24/7 NO rules on that one for sure…take care of you,callie

  5. Shannon says:

    Hey Colin!I feel your pain about not being able to write the things that you truly want to write! When I was doing my space, I had to be really careful about what I wrote (changing names, etc.) due to confidentiality issues. I loved telling my stories, but always worried a parent would come by and read something and figure out I was talking about their child and get pissed off. But as you know, I stopped for other reasons. Best of luck to you with your new schedule and new attendants. I cant even imagine how frustrating that must be for you. And what is all this talk about being naked? Sheesh!Take care bud!Shannon

  6. Unknown says:

    Okay, this is going to sound really shallow considering what all you\’re going through, buuuut…here\’s to you getting naked with some hot chicks! ;0PTake care and have a great day!

  7. Colin says:

    Getting naked with hot chics? Is that what i was infering? I didn\’t realize. 🙂

  8. Unknown says:

    Wellllll, this is what you said…"If I get naked, I think everyone should get naked. Unless my parents are there. I don\’t really want to see them naked. Or other guys, I don\’t really want to see them naked either."So, what\’s left? CHICKS! And they might as well be HOT, riiiiight? (That scene from "American Pie" comes to mind with Shannon Elizabeth in the guy\’s bedroom.) Ah, that\’s just me being a little instigator… Take care and have a great day!

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