Not that I have anything bad to say about anyone. I knew sooner or later my flaky schedule making would not be supported for too long. I was hoping however that I would get some more time in getting used to this whole nurses aid business before they tell me to buckle down. It’s no fun having other people run your life but I suppose this concept goes for all of us in some way or another. Nobody has full control over their life. There’s always someone dictating what time we need to do things and where.
It was brought to my attention that I should also have prayer/healing sessions that focuses on everyone. This led me to think that maybe I’m being selfish in gathering people to focus on me. Thinking that possibly I might be thinking about myself too much. I don’t think this is the case however. I think people want to help me and would find pleasure in participating in something that might do so. Please correct me if I’m wrong.
Bob cannot help me on Wednesdays and Fridays anymore. I’m not sure why. The agency is going to send out more people for me to meet. To explain further about how this all works, the CAP program is the government agency. They themselves do not hire the nurses aides. They find other agencies that work with them, who will provide the aides. The agency I have been working with has been very nice but has been hinting at the fact that I need more hours. With 38 hours I can pretty much tell them I need someone five days a week all morning and all afternoon. This would leave somebody in my life constantly whether I need their help at the moment or not. When I don’t need their help, I guess they would sit around and entertain themselves. I really would rather not have this be the case but I believe that the CAP program as well as the agency would rather have me do this than having a random schedule each week. I think they make more money this way as well.
The past several days I have not focused too much on finding my inner peace. I have sat with my emotions and let them be. I have not let myself feel guilty about straying from my spiritual search. It’s funny, but during this period of disconnection I have had several moments in which I have felt complete peace. It seems in not trying so hard to find peace, it has been easier to experience.
Yesterday I actually found myself excited about swimming. I was actually looking forward to it. Looking forward to something. I can’t believe it. I find myself rarely looking forward to much of anything. If anything fun or exciting is about to come along, I find that the reminder of my paralysis tends to negate my excitement. I finally faxed my Shepherd Center forms for the day program yesterday. I am excited about returning to Atlanta for more therapy. Some of it’s not going to be easy or comfortable. The luxuries of my home will be gone as we stay in little tiny apartments, with little tiny kitchens, with little tiny bathrooms, and little tiny beds. I will also have to strip my self conscious habits as I try to gain some independence which will probably involve me being naked or partially naked. If I get naked, I think everyone should get naked. Unless my parents are there. I don’t really want to see them naked. Or other guys, I don’t really want to see them naked either.
I think my random tangent is over for now. I really have just talked nonstop. Let’s see if my therapist can help clear up all these thoughts.