I cannot say exactly why I felt sad on New Year’s Eve but I do have my theories. There is such a sharp contrast between my old life and my life now. I would never have found myself sitting alone at the turn of the new year a few years ago. I would have done everything in my power to make sure that did not happen. Last night I once again felt frustrated at my inability to take care of myself as I felt the presence of my sleeping father in the other room waiting to help put me to bed. The statement of “look at what my life has become” repeated in my head.
I am yearning at the present time for something more in my life. I’m tired of doing the same things every week and knowing exactly what to expect. I’m tired of feeling like my life is at a standstill, stuck in this brackish, murky water. I can see doors of light in all directions, closed but a brilliant light streams in through the cracks. I’m searching desperately for the keys but none seem to fit. Mentally I’m screaming out to get out and enjoy life but physically my body is telling me not to. For brief moments I feel myself energized and ready to conquer but then in an instant my body grows cold and weak and suddenly my attitude is to close myself in and choose not to discover what is beyond the limits.
My basic New Year’s resolution is to live life. To not close myself in but seek out the possibilities even when my body is telling me not to. I need to get back to creating my life and knowing that my destiny lies in my own two hands. The larger miracles are not so easy to come by, but I am capable of creating tiny miracles each and every day. I’ve recently been getting stuck in a certain belief system and I feel defended when this belief system gets challenged. I need to continue to have an open mind to all the possibilities and realize that I do not have all the answers and probably never will, therefore I cannot be afraid to shatter my belief system. When I’m confronted with a new viewpoint on how to approach this life, judgment should not be cast so quickly and the confusion it may cause me should be sought out and pondered over. At the moment much of what I’ve learned spiritually over the past year is colliding and causing me much confusion. The biggest collision of all being the concept of surrender versus willpower. Discovering what I can control and what I can’t. This concept will be discussed in the near future.
Apparently it is an absolutely fabulous day outside, so I must go enjoy it. Happy new year and may we all create beautiful miracles in our lives in the upcoming year.