Sadness but Hope for 2006

Much like last year this New Year’s Eve was rather depressing for me.  At midnight I found myself alone in my room watching the ball drop.  Thousands of people cheered and embraced each other in the moment, tremendously happy for some reason or another.  Some may be happy because they consumed a tremendous amount of alcohol and others may be happy because of the true reasons for New Year’s.  What is the true meaning behind New Year’s Eve?  Why do we celebrate this event?  I suppose it’s a chance for new beginnings, an agreed moment in time by the masses to turn everything around and change your life.  There is a lot of power in the statement that at exactly the same moment in time so many people are looking to change their lives for the better.  I’m sure if one was looking at a measurement of global consciousness there would be a definite spike in the readings at the stroke of midnight.  I can certainly say even as I sit in my bedroom alone, I can feel an interconnection of energy within me.

I cannot say exactly why I felt sad on New Year’s Eve but I do have my theories.  There is such a sharp contrast between my old life and my life now.  I would never have found myself sitting alone at the turn of the new year a few years ago.  I would have done everything in my power to make sure that did not happen.  Last night I once again felt frustrated at my inability to take care of myself as I felt the presence of my sleeping father in the other room waiting to help put me to bed.  The statement of “look at what my life has become” repeated in my head.

I am yearning at the present time for something more in my life.  I’m tired of doing the same things every week and knowing exactly what to expect.  I’m tired of feeling like my life is at a standstill, stuck in this brackish, murky water.  I can see doors of light in all directions, closed but a brilliant light streams in through the cracks.  I’m searching desperately for the keys but none seem to fit.  Mentally I’m screaming out to get out and enjoy life but physically my body is telling me not to.  For brief moments I feel myself energized and ready to conquer but then in an instant my body grows cold and weak and suddenly my attitude is to close myself in and choose not to discover what is beyond the limits.

My basic New Year’s resolution is to live life.  To not close myself in but seek out the possibilities even when my body is telling me not to.  I need to get back to creating my life and knowing that my destiny lies in my own two hands.  The larger miracles are not so easy to come by, but I am capable of creating tiny miracles each and every day.  I’ve recently been getting stuck in a certain belief system and I feel defended when this belief system gets challenged.  I need to continue to have an open mind to all the possibilities and realize that I do not have all the answers and probably never will, therefore I cannot be afraid to shatter my belief system.  When I’m confronted with a new viewpoint on how to approach this life, judgment should not be cast so quickly and the confusion it may cause me should be sought out and pondered over.  At the moment much of what I’ve learned spiritually over the past year is colliding and causing me much confusion.  The biggest collision of all being the concept of surrender versus willpower.  Discovering what I can control and what I can’t.  This concept will be discussed in the near future.

Apparently it is an absolutely fabulous day outside, so I must go enjoy it.  Happy new year and may we all create beautiful miracles in our lives in the upcoming year.

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8 Responses to Sadness but Hope for 2006

  1. Shannon says:

    Absolutely Colin! Live life to the fullest! I cant even begin to imagine how frustrating things are for you most of the time, but you have such a great attitude and a great outlook. Hang on to that, and the new year will hold great things for you! Best of luck to you as always!Shannon

  2. Anita says:

    Dear Collin,Thank you for visiting.You are not the only person that my website did some strange stuff to so I have changes it\’s theme.Some wallpaper can slow things down I know.I too was alone last night yet this I have chosen on my own. For me it was good, becouse it was the first time in very long time that I have actually embraced my lonlyness and curred up with a good book.10 yers ago, while getting myself through school I was right in the middle of the crowds and the buzz and the people.Yet I have felt like the lonlyess person in the world.Last night though my heart was filled with hope for the future, and I am sure that yours will fill the same way too.All you need is some time and patience.I feel that God will bless your life, and I will be here watching thouse blessings from a distance.Happy New Year!Anita

  3. Patricia says:

    Hey Colin – THanks for the threads -it was interesting what Jim wrote as far as the exercise – I think that the two although seemingly so contradictory – will and surrender sort of co-exist – I think that they are both a part of us. I often have trouble knowing what I can and cannot control and also how that changes over time, say if I learn something new that I can do. I find that I do both the more I think about it – I have dreams and intentions, but I can also be very present in the moment, there are steps in the moment that help me move forward and I enjoy being engaged in those steps. I think that as far as recovery I do the best that I can – I admit I hope for big things in the future – but that is good for my moral and good for my outlook and helps me feel direction ( even if mid-way through I find that the idea evolves and the direction changes – great little magic surprises – like when you are a kid and suddenly you think ah, and lets do it this way and add this) The combination of having some intention and hopes is marvelous and living in the present moment with those hopes still in my heart is a possible co-existance for me. I hope that helps. It is a bit like wanting peace in the world and starting in your own neighborhood – it is frustrating not to be helping the big picture but in a way you are atep by step -I guess that is an analogy. May or may not make any sense. I know what you mean about thinking about the pre-accident and post accident life – I\’m in a phase now where it isn\’t bothering me too much but sometimes it does.I\’ve spent several New Years alone because at the time I really wanted to -which may sound odd to some -but i really find the night something magical and have sat on the back porch soaking up the stars at midnight and have felt like there was something so hopeful and I\’ll shout out a happy new year world. I know too what you mean when you say "I can feel an interconnection of energy within me." It is true and quite extraordinary really. Additionally, I feel often like I am wanting to do things and then run out of energy – sometimes, I just end up doing little things and actually I take time to enjoy the little stuff more when I don\’t feel great. It is nice – sometimes I absolutely have to go to bed which makes me sad, but normally I need the rest. I wish we lived nearby eachother we\’d make quite a team! I can see us both having a moment of feeling great and acting like kids on a sugar high!!! heheI got the book the Power of Now it was in the wellness section of Wegman\’s! I look forward to reading it. Have a great day today! TODAY WILL BE GREAT!! – patti 🙂

  4. Tricia says:

    I just wanted to wish you a happy New Year – Tricia

  5. KATIE says:

    You never stop amazing me – as simple as your words are written directly from your heart or just your continued strength! I can\’t imagine how much of an internal struggle you face from time to time but I admire you for your attitude and faith that you will continue to better yourself. Happy New year and I am sure that 2006 will bring you many surprises and wonderful things!!Also I agree with Anita…I was surrounded by plenty of dear friends on new years eve but as I sat and watched, I felt so very much alone. I love my dear friends, dont get me wrong – they are all great, yet there was something missing. My goal is to find that \’thing\’…Without knowing what that \’thing\’ is, its extremely tough to have a game plan. But I have faith that I will find it when I am supposed to. Anyways, I wish you all the best 2006 will/can bring for you! I believe you will have a FAB-O year!!Take Care, Katie

  6. Patricia says:

    Hi Colin -Stopping by -hope you are well – patti

  7. Unknown says:

    Just stopping in for a peek.:-D

  8. MIchele says:

    Well written…I sat alone as well. I think I really hate New Years and I am not sure why… But you are very positive and that is amazing. I will have to come back here much more often. Have a great day!

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