Discovering Appreciation and Success

My mom is finally coming home tomorrow after a weeklong stay in the hospital battling pneumonia.  She got sick the week before Christmas but nobody paid it much attention because she never really seems to get sick.  We all just figured she would get over it in a few days.  She wasn’t getting any better so she decided to go to the doctor where they promptly misdiagnosed her.  Once again she was not getting better so she went back to the doctor where they diagnosed her as having pneumonia.  She began taking antibiotics but still wasn’t getting that much better.  After getting a CAT scan and x-ray taken a doctor at the local hospital told her she needed to check into the hospital immediately.  A thick mucus had built up in one of her lungs and was not draining, so she checked into the hospital last Thursday night and was put on an IV with strong antibiotics.

It was a rather scary moment because all I could think about was the show “House” on Fox where they detected a lady having cancer by her x-ray.  I don’t appreciate my parents as much as I should, even though I would like to, but that moment made me realize the fragile nature of life and how quickly a loved one can be taken away.

I have not been given an easy situation here, being so young and completely dependent on my parents while I live under their roof.  Most kids go through the same issues of resentment and past pain association with their parents but an all-important stage takes place where they gain independence for themselves outside of the home and in doing so create a better relationship with parents where a comfort zone of space, trust, and respect is built.  I was in the beginnings of the stage right before my accident but my move back home seemed to throw me back at the beginning of the cycle.  Trying to build that relationship of respect and trust in my situation is not easy but I am hoping that by the end of it all, the outcome will be that much better.  By saying by the end of it all, I’m implying that I must wait for this to happen in the future but the future is not for certain.  I cannot change in a day but I certainly hope I’m able to banish my past emotional pains with my parents before it’s too late.  Moving out once again may be what it takes to fully embrace the relationship without pain but by making a decision to discover this pain-free relationship while I’m here opens the door’s for it to occur.

The weeklong treatment of intravenous antibiotics seems to be banishing the pneumonia from my mom’s lungs.  I’m looking forward to having her home and once again having all the little things that I take for granted that she does.  Always filling up my water bottle, closing my blinds, having my medicine ready to go in the morning, making sure fresh towels are in my bathroom, and most importantly keeping my dad in check.

My New Year’s resolution was to live life.  At the time that was mostly pertaining to trying to expand my social horizons and getting out more.  I’ve been thinking about it more recently and trying to decide how I should best fully live my life.  To fully live my life should I completely reintegrate back into society with my disability or should I seek out healing with greater vigilance and determination.  On one hand I would love to just get on with my life and have some feeling of normalcy again but on the other hand I can’t help but think that there must be more going on inside of me.  That my overall purpose in this situation is not to live life with my current challenges but to fight back against the challenges and remove some of them.  It’s really hard at times to not believe that it is my fate to recover.  When I was first injured my mom had several experiences that told her I would be fully recovered.  Twice she asked God for a sign in which she opened her eyes and found herself gazing upon a pedestrian walking sign.  I’m constantly hearing about various peoples visions of my recovery and how they know it’s in my future.

I don’t know what’s in store for my future and I really honestly can’t see how anybody else can know either.  I suppose it’s hard for me to imagine because I’ve never had a vision of such sorts before in my life.  I feel like when I make a statement of hope for my recovery to most everyday people, I am looked upon as someone who is struggling with acceptance and who has an improper mindset which could actually be unhealthy.  As if a year and a half down the road is enough and I just need to pack it up and move along.

Absolutely anything is possible in Life.  I will not let anyone tell me something is not possible, however I’m not going to identify with any set possibility.  At this point I believe the most important thing I can do is connect with the Divine presence within me and clearly display my desires, dreams and hopes to this presence, so that my Divine course in life is laid out for me.  Signs and doorways are shown, guiding me to my destinations, a life in which God and I create.

Willpower and surrender can coexist though the relationship between the two can be quite tricky.  How much willpower and how much surrender should be implemented in life?  It’s a tough question and I have not fully come to the conclusion.  I think it takes an overall awareness of the mind and your desires.  Willpower is an excellent trait to carry as long as you willpower does not begin to cast a shadow over spirit.  You’re your willpower to succeed in something causes the spirit to shrink, you’re focusing too much on the future and straying away from the dwelling place of spirit, the present.

A recent lesson I have been taught is that success is not measured by where you get but by how you got there.  Anything done not based in “being” and spirit is not worth the effort and true success shall never be reached.  But by basing your journey in spirit, success has already been obtained.

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2 Responses to Discovering Appreciation and Success

  1. Patricia says:

    i\’m always learning from you. Thank you for that. Also i hope that your mom is feeling better soon. I believe in willpower and surrender coexisting – i also believe that because I did not let anyone define what they thought my limitations might be in the future after my accident that I was able to recover to a point of shocking them all – my willpower became quite stronger than I had ever imagined. I don\’t know if i ever surrendered – i;m not sure what all it entails and i don\’t think that the times of "allowing my limitations" to stop me in any form ever did me any goodness. I do think though that i need to find peace in my life – the constant struggling is hard – but on the other hand when I give into this feeling of depression that has washed over me recently – I realize that I need to get some of my willpower back, motivation back so that I can enjoy the present journey – be on a present journey. Sometimes like tonight I wake up and feel panic and anxiety of some sort. I feel like I am not doing enough. I am not on a path. I realize that life itself is a path – so I will continue to keep the hope and the faith and try to motivate myself to the present journey. I suppose that my spirit is on a journey and I thank you for your wisdom. -patti Again, best wishes to your mom and i\’m glad that you know so much about the gaining of independence struggle – it is something that every person goes through – I\’m glad you are knowledgable about it – it took me years to learn about it. – my best. -patti

  2. Patricia says:

    ps I do believe in signs – I don\’t talk about it often because I worry people will think it is crazy talk, but I am open to my faith in them. I truly believe in the signs I have had. They have washed over me out of nowhere and presented themselves to me and I knew exactly what they were pertaining to. They were strange experiences and a blessing that was peaceful. -patti

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