It was a rather scary moment because all I could think about was the show “House” on Fox where they detected a lady having cancer by her x-ray. I don’t appreciate my parents as much as I should, even though I would like to, but that moment made me realize the fragile nature of life and how quickly a loved one can be taken away.
I have not been given an easy situation here, being so young and completely dependent on my parents while I live under their roof. Most kids go through the same issues of resentment and past pain association with their parents but an all-important stage takes place where they gain independence for themselves outside of the home and in doing so create a better relationship with parents where a comfort zone of space, trust, and respect is built. I was in the beginnings of the stage right before my accident but my move back home seemed to throw me back at the beginning of the cycle. Trying to build that relationship of respect and trust in my situation is not easy but I am hoping that by the end of it all, the outcome will be that much better. By saying by the end of it all, I’m implying that I must wait for this to happen in the future but the future is not for certain. I cannot change in a day but I certainly hope I’m able to banish my past emotional pains with my parents before it’s too late. Moving out once again may be what it takes to fully embrace the relationship without pain but by making a decision to discover this pain-free relationship while I’m here opens the door’s for it to occur.
The weeklong treatment of intravenous antibiotics seems to be banishing the pneumonia from my mom’s lungs. I’m looking forward to having her home and once again having all the little things that I take for granted that she does. Always filling up my water bottle, closing my blinds, having my medicine ready to go in the morning, making sure fresh towels are in my bathroom, and most importantly keeping my dad in check.
My New Year’s resolution was to live life. At the time that was mostly pertaining to trying to expand my social horizons and getting out more. I’ve been thinking about it more recently and trying to decide how I should best fully live my life. To fully live my life should I completely reintegrate back into society with my disability or should I seek out healing with greater vigilance and determination. On one hand I would love to just get on with my life and have some feeling of normalcy again but on the other hand I can’t help but think that there must be more going on inside of me. That my overall purpose in this situation is not to live life with my current challenges but to fight back against the challenges and remove some of them. It’s really hard at times to not believe that it is my fate to recover. When I was first injured my mom had several experiences that told her I would be fully recovered. Twice she asked God for a sign in which she opened her eyes and found herself gazing upon a pedestrian walking sign. I’m constantly hearing about various peoples visions of my recovery and how they know it’s in my future.
I don’t know what’s in store for my future and I really honestly can’t see how anybody else can know either. I suppose it’s hard for me to imagine because I’ve never had a vision of such sorts before in my life. I feel like when I make a statement of hope for my recovery to most everyday people, I am looked upon as someone who is struggling with acceptance and who has an improper mindset which could actually be unhealthy. As if a year and a half down the road is enough and I just need to pack it up and move along.
Absolutely anything is possible in Life. I will not let anyone tell me something is not possible, however I’m not going to identify with any set possibility. At this point I believe the most important thing I can do is connect with the Divine presence within me and clearly display my desires, dreams and hopes to this presence, so that my Divine course in life is laid out for me. Signs and doorways are shown, guiding me to my destinations, a life in which God and I create.
Willpower and surrender can coexist though the relationship between the two can be quite tricky. How much willpower and how much surrender should be implemented in life? It’s a tough question and I have not fully come to the conclusion. I think it takes an overall awareness of the mind and your desires. Willpower is an excellent trait to carry as long as you willpower does not begin to cast a shadow over spirit. You’re your willpower to succeed in something causes the spirit to shrink, you’re focusing too much on the future and straying away from the dwelling place of spirit, the present.
A recent lesson I have been taught is that success is not measured by where you get but by how you got there. Anything done not based in “being” and spirit is not worth the effort and true success shall never be reached. But by basing your journey in spirit, success has already been obtained.