Wow, I think I about pee’d my pants during the Carolina Panthers game today. What was supposed to be a primarily defensive game turned out to be a shootout between the two opponents. My heart was beating like crazy the entire second half especially when Chicago was charging down the field with under a minute left to try and tie the game. I finally felt at ease as Rex Grossman, quarterback of the Bears rushed a fourthdown play and let a pass sail past his receiver. On to Seattle we go to play for a spot in this year’s Super Bowl. I love it.
This weekend has been a little strange for me. On Thursday my spirit was alive and I felt energized about life. I remember thinking to myself, “I wonder how long this is going to last? could this finally be a lasting phase, not just a glimpse of pure contentment and happiness”? That night I went out to rugby practice for the first time since beginning of December, when the holiday break from practice started. My friend Johnny and his wife Nikki met us there. Johnny was in inpatient while I was there and is a paraplegic. Him and his wife are just great people to be around and it is easy to feed off of their spirit and energy.
I sunk down into the rugby chair and got nice and cozy. As soon as I taped up my hands and began to push I could feel an immediate difference since the last time. I was pushing faster and turning much easier. We had enough people to play fullcourt but the last time we did this I grew kind of frustrated because I felt like I was more so just taking up space rather than actually participating. This time was much different however and I felt like I was much more involved in the action and helping out my team mostly by setting picks and being at the right place at the right time. I had a great time and the feeling that maybe this was something I could actually accomplish was coming back to me.
I went to sleep that night feeling good about where I was. The moment was accepted and I agreed to myself that if the big thing going on my life right now was still simply working out and rehabbing than I must continue to put my heart into it. Even though I don’t know what future accomplishments will be made by doing so I can succeed by fully embracing the moment of this time in my life and giving it all I’ve got.
For some reason it seems that when I’m feeling good I don’t sleep well and that night wasn’t any different. I woke up Friday morning feeling groggy but motivated. I worked out some at home and then headed to the gym early to get on the FES bike. Due to a baby shower I was unable to ride the bike that day so I went upstairs to talk to a newly injured patient.
I have been talking to more newly injured people recently, mostly my own age, and I can definitely say it’s a good thing. It’s hard for me sometimes to talk with people who are already more independent than I am coming out of surgery. But I think it actually helps people to see someone like me who is worse off than them dealing with what I have been given as well as I do. Just like when I see people worse off than me it helps me to realize how lucky I am. If I am able to help others than whatever emotional trials I have to go through is worth it. Despite any jealousy I might feel, I want people to recover from this and to live life to their utmost abilities.
For the rest of that day I felt extremely tired and run down and was no longer pumped and energized like the day before. I slept better that night but the next day I still felt exhausted. Along with the exhaustion I was in an emotional funk. It’s not easy to be content and happy when you feel sick and tired. This is one of the reasons I find it so hard to accept the moment because I always feel tired and run down. One day of happiness just isn’t enough.
I’m feeling better today. A bit more energized and somewhat ready to start another week with my aid buddy. One thing that does help me is to continue to have a spiritual or inspirational book to read. Sometimes I feel like I’ve read enough and it is time to simply implement but I feel like I need a constant reminder from someone to continue to ponder my deeper self. Tomorrow’s another day, another chance to find that spiritual bliss within me and let it shine for more than just a day.