The change I thought was going to occur actually ended up occurring. This week my new aid started. He is just about the complete opposite of what my previous aid was. He’s very outgoing, speaks his mind, whistles and sings a lot, and rides a pink bicycle. At the moment he has no license, so he takes the bus to the stop a couple miles from my house, then rides a pink bicycle he borrowed from his ex-girlfriend to come to my aid. I admire him for the steps he’s taking in order to work with me. I was a little wary at first by the fact that he didn’t have a license and would be biking to my house, but I decided that I needed a change and it seemed like he could be the right man for the job.
I couldn’t help but laugh when he arrived on the first day peddling a metallic pink bicycle which was way too small for him. I’m really not sure if I would be able to reach down for the level of humility it would take to hop on a pink bike to make it to work. But he on the other hand seems quite OK with it, which helps put me more at ease because I don’t have to feel quite as bad for him. He plans on working out the whole transportation issue within the next two or three weeks.
So far our collaboration has been a good one. Lighthearted, fun conversation has been frequent and awkwardness is rarely present. I realize that there’s going to be some faults in every person that helps me out with my daily routine. No one is going to be perfect and the fact of the matter is, even if someone was perfect some level of annoyance is inevitable. I’m basically being forced into relationships at this point in my life and anytime someone is forced into a relationship there’s going to be friction. Also my aid is helping me with activities which I really have no desire to have any help with. So most of my frustration which arises is not because of the people themselves, but because I really wish I didn’t need their help at all and was independent to live life on my own. But of course this is not possible right now and I must learn to feel independent with the presence of a helpful set of hands which comes attached with arms, legs, a head, emotions, a personality, and all the other accessories human beings contain.
For the most part lately I’ve been pretty focused on what I deem as important in my life. Paying close attention to the desires that spring up from the unknown while being aware of which desires originate from the true self and which desires originate from a source of unconsciousness which only wants to push me further into unconsciousness. I feel more dedicated to my true sense of self saying, “I will live in truth” rather than, “Oh, I’ll give it a try.”
Yet no matter how strong my awareness is at any given moment, I can’t help but also be aware of a humming drone in the background. A resonating sense of uneasiness, despair, and struggle. It beckons me to give into the stress and worry of the past and future, although I know good and well that such worry does me know good. As I sense this constant uneasiness I realize that this background noise is unfortunate but it has become part of the human condition and ultimately will never go away. The noise must be accepted as part of me but I must also know that it is my choice whether or not the noise emerges from the backstage area and takes the spotlight. I must make the decision to live my life through the deeper dwelling of a peaceful self rather than the noise which has somehow seeped into the veins of the unconsciousness of this world.
Recently, I also feel a deeper motivation to heal. “Healing? Is he still thinking about healing?” Yes I am, because nothing in this world is impossible. Some may label me as the young man who is in denial but a label is nothing more than a meaningless string of words which comes nowhere near to who I really am. I cannot let myself be offended by any label’s nor attach to myself to any, because that would restrict me from being open to the possibilities of the universe which are beyond comprehension.