Change Actually

The change I thought was going to occur actually ended up occurring.  This week my new aid started.  He is just about the complete opposite of what my previous aid was.  He’s very outgoing, speaks his mind, whistles and sings a lot, and rides a pink bicycle.  At the moment he has no license, so he takes the bus to the stop a couple miles from my house, then rides a pink bicycle he borrowed from his ex-girlfriend to come to my aid.  I admire him for the steps he’s taking in order to work with me.  I was a little wary at first by the fact that he didn’t have a license and would be biking to my house, but I decided that I needed a change and it seemed like he could be the right man for the job.

I couldn’t help but laugh when he arrived on the first day peddling a metallic pink bicycle which was way too small for him.  I’m really not sure if I would be able to reach down for the level of humility it would take to hop on a pink bike to make it to work.  But he on the other hand seems quite OK with it, which helps put me more at ease because I don’t have to feel quite as bad for him.  He plans on working out the whole transportation issue within the next two or three weeks.

So far our collaboration has been a good one.  Lighthearted, fun conversation has been frequent and awkwardness is rarely present.  I realize that there’s going to be some faults in every person that helps me out with my daily routine.  No one is going to be perfect and the fact of the matter is, even if someone was perfect some level of annoyance is inevitable.  I’m basically being forced into relationships at this point in my life and anytime someone is forced into a relationship there’s going to be friction.  Also my aid is helping me with activities which I really have no desire to have any help with.  So most of my frustration which arises is not because of the people themselves, but because I really wish I didn’t need their help at all and was independent to live life on my own.  But of course this is not possible right now and I must learn to feel independent with the presence of a helpful set of hands which comes attached with arms, legs, a head, emotions, a personality, and all the other accessories human beings contain.

For the most part lately I’ve been pretty focused on what I deem as important in my life.  Paying close attention to the desires that spring up from the unknown while being aware of which desires originate from the true self and which desires originate from a source of unconsciousness which only wants to push me further into unconsciousness.  I feel more dedicated to my true sense of self saying, “I will live in truth” rather than, “Oh, I’ll give it a try.”

Yet no matter how strong my awareness is at any given moment, I can’t help but also be aware of a humming drone in the background.  A resonating sense of uneasiness, despair, and struggle.  It beckons me to give into the stress and worry of the past and future, although I know good and well that such worry does me know good.  As I sense this constant uneasiness I realize that this background noise is unfortunate but it has become part of the human condition and ultimately will never go away.  The noise must be accepted as part of me but I must also know that it is my choice whether or not the noise emerges from the backstage area and takes the spotlight.  I must make the decision to live my life through the deeper dwelling of a peaceful self rather than the noise which has somehow seeped into the veins of the unconsciousness of this world.

Recently, I also feel a deeper motivation to heal.  “Healing?  Is he still thinking about healing?”  Yes I am, because nothing in this world is impossible.  Some may label me as the young man who is in denial but a label is nothing more than a meaningless string of words which comes nowhere near to who I really am.  I cannot let myself be offended by any label’s nor attach to myself to any, because that would restrict me from being open to the possibilities of the universe which are beyond comprehension.

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12 Responses to Change Actually

  1. Shannon says:

    Of course you are still thinking about healing.  Its something that is very important to you…understandably so, too!  There are no labels for you either…you are you. And you can continue to think about whatever you want to.
    Hmm..the new aide has a pink bicycle?  Ya gotta admire the guy for even getting ON the thing! 
    Stop by and say hello!
    Take care!

  2. Anita says:

    I am so happy for you!
    And anyone who is cool enough to ride on a pink bicycle to come with aid is a great help in my eyes!
    Have a wonderfull day Collin,

  3. Patricia says:

    Dear Colin, Sounds like your new aide is wonderful! Seems like he doesn\’t let things stop him either and will do whatever it takes and I like that! Plus he sounds fun.
    Again you share your wisdom and help me to see light and I appreciate that.
    I\’ve been finding some much needed peace and was at first caught off guard by the quietness and tranquility then realized too the beauty that that let me finally focus on the things that are important to me rather than the hum that seems to be that background noise you so well describe. It is a much more true state – an aware state and I\’m growing to like it. I have been very tired as if I had been fighting with those background noises for so long that I hadn\’t heard anything else in awhile. It has seemingly cost me time and energy that I could have used to focus on more positive things rather than fighting the background which paradoxically put it in the forfront if that makes any sense. Letting go and focusing on my health has been more productive. I finally gave up the caffiene and certain foods and I swear my skin looks younger already! At least for once I don\’t have circles under my eyes.
    I\’m always so proud of you and all that you do – you are wise and strong. I\’m glad that you are focusing on healing. I\’m sure I told you that I shocked the crap out of the labels they gave me – I\’m not bragging – it is just a mere fact – potential is something to be tapped into and ignoring the labels is something that I found helpful – I didn\’t know the labels or any limitations till I passed them and I\’m glad of it. Dream big.
    My best to you – patti

  4. Unknown says:

    I don\’t see it as being in denial.  You have the capability to dream, which is wonderful.  Dreams do come true.  And it is not being in denial just because you want to hope, wish, dream, work towards getting yourself to the place in your life that you want to be.  We can all learn something from you.  I know I have.I\’m glad to hear that your new aide is working out o.k.  Just the fact that he is comfortable enough with himself to ride a small, pink bicycle says something about what type of person he is.  Makes me want to meet him!roxanne  

  5. Shannon says:

    Hey Colin!
    Thanks for stopping by to say hello!
    In regards to your comment, I do remember my mom fondly.  I dont remember a whole lot, but what I do remember is good.  I know a lot of people tend to get upset on the anniversary of a loved one\’s death. But for me, that day is no more upsetting than any other day.  Its just a date…a number.  I am no more sad on that day than I am on any other day.  But I do have good memories of her.  I did a session with a woman who is an angel communicator and she told me some very interesting things about my mom…I dont know how much was true, but it really made me think. 
    Oh, and thanks for the birthday wishes as well!
    Have a great weekend!

  6. Tina says:

    Hey Colin!
    Thanks so much for stopping by and checking in.  Yes – baby is out of the belly!  I just posted a blog and some pictures if you want to stop by and see her!  She is really cute – but of course I am a little biased!  LOL!
    I am glad that things seem to be working out with your new aid.  You gotta love a guy that rides around on a tiny pink bicycle!
    And dont ever stop thinking about healing.  You have so much more self awareness than most people in this world.  A young man in denial is not even close to how I would describe you.  I think that "hope" makes the world go around.  We are lost if we dont have hope.
    I will be coming back to catch up on your previous posts.  I hate to skim over yours because there is always so much insight and I hate to miss any of your words.

  7. J-Anderson says:

    Colin have you talked to those sisters that were both injured at the same time, same accident. They are talking about some things that sound encouraging happening in China. I wish you Peace. Joan

  8. Patricia says:

    Hey Colin!
    Happy Valentine\’s!!!
    Hope you have a great day and that all is going fabulous!
    How\’s the new aide?
    Thank you so much for being such a kind, supportive, thoughtful, inspiring and honest friend. I appreciate everything that you have shared and you have been so helpful.
    On days like Valentine\’s and other holidays and pretty much every day inbetween, I always thank the lucky stars for people in my life that I know that are special and wonderful. Since the accicent I like to tell them so, but it makes some people uncomfortable. So sorry if it makes you uncomfortable, don\’t take it that way, but thank you for making my days brighter, more thoughtful and inspiring me to believe in that divine part within. 
    Hope you have a terrific day with your loved ones.
    Dream big! – patti 

  9. J-Anderson says:

    Hi Colin, I have been reading your blog for awhile now. I think you are a remarkable young man for all you have gone through you still have a zest for life. You show alot of maturity that most young men seem to not be able to find. I hope with all my heart that everything turns out really great for you. I will continue to follow your story as long as you let us. I wish you Peace, Joan

  10. Shannon says:

    Hey Colin,
    Just wanted to stop by and say hello.  You are quiet again…hope you are doing okay but Im sure you are.  Just taking a break. 🙂
    Have a great weekend!

  11. Unknown says:

    HI colin,
    I was wondering when you were born.
    Would you please give your birth date?
    Hope the new arraingments are working well for you.
    Take care

  12. KATIE says:

    hey Colin, Just stopping in to say hi and have a great weekend. You have been in my thoughts. I hope you are doing well and your adjusting to your new aid well! Take Care ~Katie

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