Life has been pretty exciting recently. Maybe not so exciting to the average person but in my mind I have been living life on the edge. I have been testing boundaries and forcing myself out of my comfort zone. It has not been easy but it’s something I must force myself to do if I am to live life to the fullest. It’s amazing though, that with all the spiritual reading and learning I have done in the recent months, I still find myself constantly anticipating the future. Stressing because I want to know what future outcomes will be and the fact that there is no way possible to know drives me crazy. I tend to worry that certain situations will turn out badly instead of good, while knowing that if I simply follow what I know to be true than it really does not matter.
I do not believe there is a strict destiny for each and everyone of us and our entire lives is already set out, but I do believe in a thing called syncrodestiny. Meaning that I do have a destiny but I play a part in creating this destiny by seizing opportunities and being aware of signs which point me in the right directions. Syncrodestiny becomes more apparent, the more you notice life going on around you, in the form of coincidences, and the finger of God pointing you down certain paths. When life is thought of in this way there should be no worries as long as you do your part to create and leave the rest up to divine destiny. When something seems to go wrong, there is no need to fret because it is simply God at work, just as it is also God at work when things seem to go right. Notice that this philosophy does not allow one to sit back and do nothing has God runs the show, but puts a responsibility and ones shoulder to do their part while knowing that they are not alone as life is created.
Here yet again I have the knowledge to live a peaceful life but circumstances will continue to arise where nothing I do will rid myself of negative emotions. I meditate on a certain philosophy or belief and the negative emotions will temporarily dissipate but a few moments later they’re back once again. I meditate on different philosophies I’ve learned, testing the water with each but yet negativity simmers beneath. These are the moments which I explained in my last entry, where no amount of knowledge can bring me the peace I seek, but it must come in a realization where no explanation is needed because it resonates deep from within my soul. These realizations are hard to come by however, for as I said they only happen through the Grace of God something I have little control of. So during the times when knowledge is doing me no good and realizations are nowhere to be found, I must accept the emotions simply as an emotion and accept that it’s something I am meant to go through for the development of my soul.
One frustration I’ve been going through recently which I wish to voice is my inability to attack life with the same vigor and energy that I once possessed. Fatigue and coldness seems to always beckon me to stay in my room within the safety of my walls. I know my heart is screaming out at me to “Get out, meet people, do things!” But my body says, “No, just sit and relax. There’s no energy to do things. You need to rest.”
It’s tough to know when to give into my heart and when to give into my body, when to create and when to contemplate. The body is always a much louder voice and the heart tends to be a whisper, so all in all the body usually wins. I don’t think that’s what I really want though. What I really want is to have the body shut the hell up and leave me alone. I wish it would bring me back my energy, my warmth, and my drive, or at least just a little bit of it. But right now this is not the case and I must find other ways to deal with the difficulties life has brought upon me. I’m hoping the coming of spring will revitalize me somewhat, which I think it will.
By the way, Murderball, the documentary on quadriplegic rugby is being shown on A and E TV tonight at 10 p.m. There is probably going to be more than one airing, but if you haven’t seen the movie definitely check it out.