Rollin’ Along

I continue to be determined to get things done and have tried my hardest to fight my tendency to procrastinate.  I got my ASIA test done and I’m still an ASIA B incomplete injury.  My motor function on the left side is classified as C6 now and my right side continues to be C5.  The physician who did the test is a new spinal cord injury doctor at the rehab center and is actually a parapalegic.  It’s cool that he could relate to a lot of what I was saying as he was a spinal cord injury himself.  He was also very knowledgeable about the experimental things going on in the world today concerning spinal cord injury.  He ordered me an MRI which I will get next Thursday.  If I only have one lesion and it is less than 4 cm long than I will be cleared to continue on with the process of applying for the Portugal surgery.

I sent in my applications to both Project Walk in San Diego and Beyond Therapy in Atlanta.  When I wrote my last entry I was leaning towards Beyond Therapy but then I spoke with a family who just got back from Project Walk and will be attending for therapy in June.  They have seen both programs and said that Project Walk completely blew them away.  Apparently after seeing the program they knew it was the best place that they could possibly be.  So now I’m not really leaning towards any direction but hearing all the praise about Project Walk definitely got me thinking about the possibilities of San Diego again.  In the next couple of months I am planning a massive road trip to Atlanta, then to Austin, Texas to visit a spiritual healer, and then to San Diego.  I know, it sounds pretty crazy but my dad and I are feeling adventurous.

I don’t think any of these possible plans have really hit me quite yet.  In the pit of my stomach I feel a slight sense of nervousness and excitement.  Right now there’s just so much to try and soak in that it’s all vaguely hovering around me for now.  On top of all the recovery plans I have, I am supposed to have my first day of class on Monday plus my family is supposed to drive to Pennsylvania next weekend for a wedding.  Lately I’ve been living very much in the moment and future plans probably won’t hit me fully until the morning of.

Speaking of the present moment, once again the weekend has come around.  Over the last few months the emotional roller coaster I speak of many times has dwindled.  I’ve been very emotionally stable lately and have rested in a state of contentment.  Usually the times I do get sad are on the weekends.  When I step back and look at my life I can’t help but feel like I don’t have one.  To me weekends have always been the time to get up with friends, hang out, and have a good time but for some reason friends have been kind of hard to come by these days.  The issue of friends has always been a bothersome one for me.  As a kid I didn’t really have many friends and in high school I began to make friends, a lot of them, but I felt like I had none I could actually count on, except one or two maybe.  In college I made a huge amount of friends but once again struggled to feel like I had true friends.  Since my life has flipped upside down I’ve once again made a lot of friends but have yet to discover a hangout group, friends I can always call to hangout, and are always calling me to see what I am up to.  The weekend comes and I scroll through my cell phone struggling to find someone who doesn’t live 100 miles away, isn’t married, doesn’t have some weird phobia about hanging out with me, and is willing to put down the beer and shots to come pick me up.  You’d be surprised at how many people would much rather get drunk then hangout with me.

I no longer need the affirmation of people to make me feel good about myself.  I enjoy my alone time very much these days and I’m able to actually boost my confidence and establish my place in the world by simply closing my eyes in silence and breathing in the moment.  Yet sometimes, I can’t help but feel somewhat alone as I picture what everyone else my age is doing on the weekends.  I’m sure there are a lot more people than I think who are sitting around alone, but then again those are the people without lives.  I don’t want to be one of those people.  I want things to do and people to see!

 

Oh well, I have no conclusion on this matter.  I can only continue to feel content with myself and continue to reach out for friendships and let the dice fall where they may.  Anyone want to hangout this weekend? 

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8 Responses to Rollin’ Along

  1. Amelie says:

    k, i have a weird question to ask you and i don\’t know if it\’s too direct or personal to ask in ur blog. and i\’d totally hang out with you this weekend. but obviously it\’d have to be via net. i have a brilliant semi-pathetic plan… but i want to see if i can come up with something better before disclosing my idea. add me to msn if you like so i can ask you my question (i don\’t get emails from those who aren\’t on my buddy list… it\’s vip only. hehe)-amelie

  2. Patricia says:

    WOW – congratulations on a number of fronts!!! i\’m so glad too that you are feeling content. I have been too recently, I guess for the past couple of months, and it feels fresh and great! I\’d hang out with ya any weekend. and although we are blog friends, I consider you a dear and trusted friend, so you can count on me, and I bet a lot of people. If it helps any…I remember around 22 that we started to tucker out from going to the bars as much – I guess the age is different for everyone but I do remember a decrease in alcohol consumption at a certain time. Catching up for food became a thing then seeing some music. Maybe you can find something going on like that and invite a friend? I know, you know that. I\’m babbling. The trip with your Dad sounds great!! Being on the road is fabulous!!! plus you have great destinations. 🙂 – patti Again, congratulations on the good news from doc –

  3. Anita says:

    Hi there!
    Thank you for stopping by while I was gone for a while.
    I was very frustrated by my intence job search and did not really feel like writing.
    I am sure you can relate.
    Best of luck durning your MRI.
    Hope to catch uo with you soon.
    Anita

  4. Amelie says:

    hahah, i\’m an idiot. i_macutie@hotmail.com

  5. Tina says:

    Hey Colin,
     
    Just checking in to see what you are up to….
     
    A road trip!!!  Sounds like a great adventure for you and your Dad.  If your trip to Austin takes you thru Dallas be sure to look me up!!
     
    It sounds like you have alot of big changes coming up in your life.  I know that you always voice alot of fear around change, but its usually the times that I sense (from your writing) that you are most alive.  Both of the programs that you are applying to sound great.  I am sure that you will be led to the right one when the time comes. 
     
    As for the friends…… Once you start getting yourself out there and start doing stuff that you enjoy (i.e. taking classes, sports…) I am sure that you will find alot of friends that you have alot in common with.  The ones that dont want to put down the shots and the beer to come get you are truly missing out and surely dont deserve you as a friend.  I have always been blessed with alot of friends and when I moved to Texas it was difficult for me to find people that I connected with.  Once you\’re out of school its not that easy to find an abundance of friends.  I\’ve been here six years and I have met about 4 or 5 people over all that time that I can call friends.  But it has taken all of that time.  I think that alone time is much better than hanging out with people that you dont connect with.  Thats great that you are enjoying your alone time.
     
    I hope your MRI went well and that you are having a great time at the wedding!
     
    Tina

  6. Lisa says:

    you are not alone in the "finding real friends" front. most people have more acquaintances than they do friends. its when you think about who you would donate an organ to if it came down to it…thats when you know who your real friends are. you would be a lucky man if you could go a whole lifetime and actually count your best friends on one hand. most people wouldnt have any. you are still young and there are so many things you have to feel settled about. judging by your writing you seem like a completely clued in, intellegent and eloquent guy. :o) your mantra is spot on, dude…everything will work out for you…everything always does, a positive attitude is the way to go. reading what you have written here makes me feel like my blog is a complete waste of time, haha…but then we live in very different worlds. still…keep on keeping on…you seem to have the right attitude and its almost spooky how the positive energy just radiates from your words…
     
    good luck with this project walk do…
     
    you take care, colin!
     
    peace.
     
    Lisa
    (Hong Kong)

  7. bonnie says:

    I can appreciate your feelings concerning having friends.  Society teaches us that having lots and lots of friends is desirable.  I, like you did not necesarily fit into the personality mold that would perhaps have allowed me to open up to many people.  I had been let down too many times, and as I am sensitive, took it hard.  It sounds to me that you are your own best friend, and I commend you for that.  I felt inspired by what you shared. Thank you 

  8. bonnie says:

    I was touched by what you said about friends.  I have never felt I had as many as the next gal, and perhaps this is only my warped perception of my world; it\’s hard to say.  It sounds like you are your own best friend, and that is the most important friendship one could ever have.You have learned that young in your life, and many never do.  Look at that fact as a great talent, for it cannot be bought.  Many times in my life, I have been my own worst enemy, with terrible consequences.  I admire you and your inner love very much.  Bonnie age 45

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