I continue to be determined to get things done and have tried my hardest to fight my tendency to procrastinate. I got my ASIA test done and I’m still an ASIA B incomplete injury. My motor function on the left side is classified as C6 now and my right side continues to be C5. The physician who did the test is a new spinal cord injury doctor at the rehab center and is actually a parapalegic. It’s cool that he could relate to a lot of what I was saying as he was a spinal cord injury himself. He was also very knowledgeable about the experimental things going on in the world today concerning spinal cord injury. He ordered me an MRI which I will get next Thursday. If I only have one lesion and it is less than 4 cm long than I will be cleared to continue on with the process of applying for the Portugal surgery.
I sent in my applications to both Project Walk in San Diego and Beyond Therapy in Atlanta. When I wrote my last entry I was leaning towards Beyond Therapy but then I spoke with a family who just got back from Project Walk and will be attending for therapy in June. They have seen both programs and said that Project Walk completely blew them away. Apparently after seeing the program they knew it was the best place that they could possibly be. So now I’m not really leaning towards any direction but hearing all the praise about Project Walk definitely got me thinking about the possibilities of San Diego again. In the next couple of months I am planning a massive road trip to Atlanta, then to Austin, Texas to visit a spiritual healer, and then to San Diego. I know, it sounds pretty crazy but my dad and I are feeling adventurous.
I don’t think any of these possible plans have really hit me quite yet. In the pit of my stomach I feel a slight sense of nervousness and excitement. Right now there’s just so much to try and soak in that it’s all vaguely hovering around me for now. On top of all the recovery plans I have, I am supposed to have my first day of class on Monday plus my family is supposed to drive to Pennsylvania next weekend for a wedding. Lately I’ve been living very much in the moment and future plans probably won’t hit me fully until the morning of.
Speaking of the present moment, once again the weekend has come around. Over the last few months the emotional roller coaster I speak of many times has dwindled. I’ve been very emotionally stable lately and have rested in a state of contentment. Usually the times I do get sad are on the weekends. When I step back and look at my life I can’t help but feel like I don’t have one. To me weekends have always been the time to get up with friends, hang out, and have a good time but for some reason friends have been kind of hard to come by these days. The issue of friends has always been a bothersome one for me. As a kid I didn’t really have many friends and in high school I began to make friends, a lot of them, but I felt like I had none I could actually count on, except one or two maybe. In college I made a huge amount of friends but once again struggled to feel like I had true friends. Since my life has flipped upside down I’ve once again made a lot of friends but have yet to discover a hangout group, friends I can always call to hangout, and are always calling me to see what I am up to. The weekend comes and I scroll through my cell phone struggling to find someone who doesn’t live 100 miles away, isn’t married, doesn’t have some weird phobia about hanging out with me, and is willing to put down the beer and shots to come pick me up. You’d be surprised at how many people would much rather get drunk then hangout with me.
I no longer need the affirmation of people to make me feel good about myself. I enjoy my alone time very much these days and I’m able to actually boost my confidence and establish my place in the world by simply closing my eyes in silence and breathing in the moment. Yet sometimes, I can’t help but feel somewhat alone as I picture what everyone else my age is doing on the weekends. I’m sure there are a lot more people than I think who are sitting around alone, but then again those are the people without lives. I don’t want to be one of those people. I want things to do and people to see!
Oh well, I have no conclusion on this matter. I can only continue to feel content with myself and continue to reach out for friendships and let the dice fall where they may. Anyone want to hangout this weekend?