I’m off to San Diego tomorrow for my trial visit at Project Walk. I’ll be gone for exactly one-week and I don’t plan on getting on the computer at all. The computer, more so the Internet, tends to be my addictive crutch which I use to smother up the moment instead of experiencing it. The Internet if used in moderation can be an excellent tool, but it can also become an addiction. Everyone has addictions. It’s whatever one does to escape their emotions instead of facing and experiencing them. It will be good for me to be completely away from the computer for a while.
I think the computer is a big part of a lot of people’s lives who are like me. With such lack of independence, the computer becomes the one thing that we have complete control over. With the push of a button, you can go anywhere and do almost anything you’d like. But I believe many times it becomes a false sense of experience because the true experience of life does not take place in front of a computer screen.
I faced another fear last night. I wanted to exchange these shorts I bought at the mall but the person I planned on taking me could not do it. I was pretty bummed out, not really because of the shorts, but because I was hoping to run into a young lady who struck my fancy last time I was there. So I got the thought in my head of doing it on my own. My dad would drive me over there, drop me off, I would go inside, spit some game, get some digits, of course exchange some shorts, and come home. Once the notion was there, I took me only a few moments to realize it was something I had to do. The reason I knew this, was because a huge amount of fear began to rise inside of me. In my opinion, whenever a large amount of fear becomes obvious, unless it is a dumb idea which will leave you with a broken neck, it is probably something you should do. To face fear, is to rid yourself of insecurities, and to rid yourself of insecurities is to become a stronger, more fulfilled person.
The same type of anxiety and nervousness sprang forth as it did the second time I went waterskiing. I took deep breaths, and focused in on the moment and surprisingly several times found a strange feeling of peace within the unwanted emotions. During these moments it was as if a clarity of time and space was suddenly right before my eyes. The fear, anxiety, and nervousness was all still there but for that brief moment, I didn’t care.
Anyways, I got to the store and the girl wasn’t there. As soon as the girl was out of the equation, saliva came back to my mouth, my heartbeat returned to normal, and everything was OK again. I felt kind of defeated but I was still doing something I had never done before on my own. And I ran into a nice young lady who retained the ability to walk after a C3 C4 spinal cord injury.
I’m really trying to put myself out there more. I want to face my fears constantly in the hopes of one day, breaking through many of them. But I do realize that my fears will never completely go away. I’ll be facing them my entire life. I do think I should be able to create a more confident me through experiences of things like the “exchange of the shorts”.
I’m also going to start talking to myself in the mirror. Saying things like, “You’re the man”, “You’re confident and good-looking”, and “Women love you”. HaHa. I’m not sure if I should admit that last one, but I’m going to anyways. I’ve known about the technique of talking to oneself in the mirror but I’ve always seen it as too simple and ignored it, but I think it may actually be an excellent method for me.
It’s getting late, and I have to wake up at five in the morning. It’s just now hitting me really that I’m going to San Diego tomorrow. Crazy.