Dream re-created

Well folks, it looks like I’ve reached a point of frustration.  I felt it coming on slowly but surely over the past few weeks.  I know for certain that the feelings are temporary and I am merely awaiting the next stage in my life, but I cannot help but be absorbed in them.  Every once in awhile I have a restless night of sleep.  During these times my mind tends to run circles in deep thought.  Despite the rapid measures my mind exceeds to, I happen to be thinking quite clearly during these moments.  If I could but hop out of bed, sit in front of my computer and write in the middle of the night I’m sure I could spill out some of the most clearheaded thoughts imaginable.  Surely it would be a great deal of emotion but a pure emotion it would be, not colored by reasoning and excuses.  It would be exactly what I was feeling.

If I remember correctly much of what I was feeling last night was the thought that my life is flying by me in the blink of an eye and I’m wondering what I have done during the split-second my eyelids shut and opened again.  I broke my neck a month before my 21st birthday, what I saw as the prime of my life and now I look ahead to August when I’ll be 24 years old.  I can’t help but feel as if a large portion of my youth has been robbed from me.  The time when one finally begins to have confidence in oneself and the world seems to be in the palm of your hand.  A time when everything you always thought you could never accomplish and were never good enough to even try, was now feasible.  This was the time I was going to find myself and discover what I was capable of.

I can never know what would have happened if I had not broken my neck and there’s really no point wondering.  After coming down from the initial shock of what had occurred that day, I foresaw what would happen to me.  I could feel God’s assurance, my mom saw signs, and everything seemed to be falling into place.  I saw a twitch in my leg, I wiggled my toe, my left wrist slowly began to come back and I could feel it in my legs… healing taking place.  "I’m going to walk again", I told people.

Most looked at me with pity, sad at the cruel trick I was playing on myself.  I could see the lack of faith in their eyes.  Time and time again they saw young men just like me go through the system.  Believing wholeheartedly that they would walk again, that paralysis was not the path for them.  One out of a hundred may have reached their dreams and I’m not sure what happened to the rest.  Some were probably slowly broken down until they reached full acceptance that they would be this way.  From there they could either choose to live life as fully as possible or to live a life of regret, victimizations of tragedy.  Then there are those who are like me.  People who continue to fight the good fight, charging forward, reaching for that dream that they spoke of the instant the tragedy occurred.  Isn’t that what life is all about?  Reaching for our dreams?

It did not bother me when people pitied my statements of walking.  I just couldn’t wait to prove them wrong.  But somehow the pieces which were falling into place, lost their way.  The life I thought would be regained, was lost.  Two and half years later I am still reaching for the dream. 

I will never reach the dream I once had.  Circumstances have led me to contemplate my vision and adjust my thinking.  No longer am I looking to regain the past but I’m looking to grab a hold of the future.  My dream has been re-created and a path has been sketched which will get me there.  I may have lost many experiences of my youth but many more experiences are on the way.  I am no longer awaiting the dream to occur so that I may experience this dream, but I am reaching for the dream so that I may experience reaching.  For in all honesty, very rarely do we ever reach our dreams.  What are the chances of experiencing exactly what our mind creates?  It doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try to get there, but we must remember to experience the experience and not the destination.

The time has come to hit the road once again.  In March I will travel to Austin, Texas to see my friend the spiritual healer and then directly after that I’ll spend a month in the Beyond Therapy program in Atlanta, Georgia.  I feel as if I’ve hit a plateau physically and mentally and I’m getting antsy to charge the next cliff.  Unfortunately my workouts lately have been more forced than motivated and this is not good.  I have been receiving some of the best workouts I’ve gotten in my entire experience of being in Charlotte but the time has come to follow through with our plan.  I’m excited and ready to experience the fight once again. 

 Many times I feel as if I should be doing something else with my life right now.  I look around and I don’t see anyone like me, but no matter, I am not like anyone else and I’m okay with that.

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5 Responses to Dream re-created

  1. Casey says:

    Colin
    I think that the key in life is not looking at any situation as "what you should be doing" but accepting the current situation and embracing that as what is. Every person in this world is at a different place in their life, there is no "general" rule for what you should be doing based on your age, we should be living the life God has provided us with whatever it may be they are all very different!!
    "I can\’t help but feel as if a large portion of my youth has been robbed from me."
    My suggestion to you is instead of looking at the negative things, focus on the positive and look at what you have GAINED through the experiences in your life.
    Casey

  2. Lessie says:

    Hi, Colin!
    Good luck in Austin and Atlanta! I appreciate that you always focus on the future — which reminds me to have hope. No excuses for myself. "No longer am I looking to regain the past but I\’m looking to grab a hold of the future.  My dream has been re-created …" Thanks for that! Lessie

  3. Patricia says:

    Hey Colin – I can relate to this very much and actually found that I had somewhat started to hold my breath as I read and eyes welled up a bit from recognizing myself in what you were saying. Since I feel so similar right now it is hard to offer the views that I feel when I feel it differently. You are still so young, but I do know what it feels like to feel like one has missed time. I think this very reason was why I started journaling and photographing a way to get myself in the moment. Childhood was kind of a series of experiences that feels similar though to the missed time feeling. High school I think I measured time more but in the sense that I always wanted to be the next year older! It has been 8 years – no 7 ? 8 ? crap whatever – at 5 years I had a great burst of improvement – this was strange and not on anyone\’s "time-frame" but my own. Books, doctors, others have these different timeframes that are confusing and sometimes frustrating regarding recovery. There are times too when friends will remark on improvemnt that I never noticed. I too, wonder what my life would have been like if I was on a different path. THe thing is, though I would definately never want to have a brain injury obviously, I can\’t say that I regret the things that it has taught me. As I have known you, I have not witnessed you "missing time" – I have actually witnessed an incredible person, mentor, thinker, and man grow.
    I think that most people think that their lives might have been different – that they imagined the future differently. I have some friends that are living their lives exactly as they dreamed it would be as they daydremed at 18- married, 2.5 kids and dog etc etc they were so set on a set course of whatever that I am not sure that they thought of a different way. Although a couple are now getting divorced and while some seem scattered, others seem to be re-creating.
    I believe in you Colin. I think you are incredible. No matter what path you choose, you seem a natural teacher through your examples of life. To me you seem to be living each moment fuller than most, I admire that in a person more than anything, and as always, send you my best, dream and live big! patti

  4. Ann says:

    I read this quote once "life is what happens to you while you are making plans to do something else."  You have such an awewsome outlook!  It doesn\’t matter if we\’ve been messed up physically or emotionally, we\’ve all been messed up…I think you\’ve already figured out so much, and you\’re like, half my age!  No matter what path God leads you down, you are going to be great!

  5. Andrew K says:

    Hi Colin, I have a feeling we need to talk some. I believe I can offer some further advice on planning exercise routines using the arms rather than the legs to stimulate circulation in the legs.
     
    Dikul The Russian Strongman used an acute angled weight bench. This was fortunate for him as he did bench presses and used hand weights often working long hours without any clue as to how or why anything was going to work for him to regain his circus career back after a devastating fall from a trapeze left him with a spinal cord injury. Nevertheless he continued doing what he could to generate muscles in his arms and expend energy until he collapsed most nights and would remain asleep on the inclined bench. Dikul ended up being possibly the strongest man in the world and made a complete recovery.
     
    I believe the combination of prolonged exercise while on an incline provided all of the stimulus required to restore his nervous system, There is no other explanation that fits.
     
    Furthermore his very first job back in the circus was ironically to ride a motor cycle around a mettle tube known as the wall of death. The centrifugal force exerted on the fluids would undoubtedly have influenced regeneration further completing his programme.
     
    I noted one exercise you were doing in your video was to lay on your back with your legs in the air strapped to a machine of some kind. This suggests to me that you might not be getting the full rewards from your efforts.
     
    Tel     +44 1803524117
     
    Andrew 

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