Well folks, it looks like I’ve reached a point of frustration. I felt it coming on slowly but surely over the past few weeks. I know for certain that the feelings are temporary and I am merely awaiting the next stage in my life, but I cannot help but be absorbed in them. Every once in awhile I have a restless night of sleep. During these times my mind tends to run circles in deep thought. Despite the rapid measures my mind exceeds to, I happen to be thinking quite clearly during these moments. If I could but hop out of bed, sit in front of my computer and write in the middle of the night I’m sure I could spill out some of the most clearheaded thoughts imaginable. Surely it would be a great deal of emotion but a pure emotion it would be, not colored by reasoning and excuses. It would be exactly what I was feeling.
If I remember correctly much of what I was feeling last night was the thought that my life is flying by me in the blink of an eye and I’m wondering what I have done during the split-second my eyelids shut and opened again. I broke my neck a month before my 21st birthday, what I saw as the prime of my life and now I look ahead to August when I’ll be 24 years old. I can’t help but feel as if a large portion of my youth has been robbed from me. The time when one finally begins to have confidence in oneself and the world seems to be in the palm of your hand. A time when everything you always thought you could never accomplish and were never good enough to even try, was now feasible. This was the time I was going to find myself and discover what I was capable of.
I can never know what would have happened if I had not broken my neck and there’s really no point wondering. After coming down from the initial shock of what had occurred that day, I foresaw what would happen to me. I could feel God’s assurance, my mom saw signs, and everything seemed to be falling into place. I saw a twitch in my leg, I wiggled my toe, my left wrist slowly began to come back and I could feel it in my legs… healing taking place. "I’m going to walk again", I told people.
Most looked at me with pity, sad at the cruel trick I was playing on myself. I could see the lack of faith in their eyes. Time and time again they saw young men just like me go through the system. Believing wholeheartedly that they would walk again, that paralysis was not the path for them. One out of a hundred may have reached their dreams and I’m not sure what happened to the rest. Some were probably slowly broken down until they reached full acceptance that they would be this way. From there they could either choose to live life as fully as possible or to live a life of regret, victimizations of tragedy. Then there are those who are like me. People who continue to fight the good fight, charging forward, reaching for that dream that they spoke of the instant the tragedy occurred. Isn’t that what life is all about? Reaching for our dreams?
It did not bother me when people pitied my statements of walking. I just couldn’t wait to prove them wrong. But somehow the pieces which were falling into place, lost their way. The life I thought would be regained, was lost. Two and half years later I am still reaching for the dream.
I will never reach the dream I once had. Circumstances have led me to contemplate my vision and adjust my thinking. No longer am I looking to regain the past but I’m looking to grab a hold of the future. My dream has been re-created and a path has been sketched which will get me there. I may have lost many experiences of my youth but many more experiences are on the way. I am no longer awaiting the dream to occur so that I may experience this dream, but I am reaching for the dream so that I may experience reaching. For in all honesty, very rarely do we ever reach our dreams. What are the chances of experiencing exactly what our mind creates? It doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try to get there, but we must remember to experience the experience and not the destination.
The time has come to hit the road once again. In March I will travel to Austin, Texas to see my friend the spiritual healer and then directly after that I’ll spend a month in the Beyond Therapy program in Atlanta, Georgia. I feel as if I’ve hit a plateau physically and mentally and I’m getting antsy to charge the next cliff. Unfortunately my workouts lately have been more forced than motivated and this is not good. I have been receiving some of the best workouts I’ve gotten in my entire experience of being in Charlotte but the time has come to follow through with our plan. I’m excited and ready to experience the fight once again.
Many times I feel as if I should be doing something else with my life right now. I look around and I don’t see anyone like me, but no matter, I am not like anyone else and I’m okay with that.