Arriving to Leave

My dad and I arrived home from Atlanta, and much like my return from San Diego, the house seemed very unfamiliar. It wasn’t quite as bad being that I had not traveled all the way across the country and back, but this time there was a mixture of new feelings. This time I knew that arriving home was only the beginning of leaving again.

In my last entry I could not bring myself to quite say that I was moving to Atlanta. I hinted all around the fact that it was going to happen, but I never actually said it. Sitting here now, thinking about the decision to move to Atlanta, I still can’t bring myself to say it. My parents and I are fully making the preparations to move, preparing the house to put on the market, looking for a new place to live, and my mom is looking for a new job. So I know that everything is definitely moving in the direction of the move, but I guess I keep thinking that maybe something will change. Over the past year I continuously thought that I knew which direction I was heading but time and time again the direction changed. Now all arrows are pointing towards Atlanta and we are actually taking the steps to get there, but who’s to say some other door won’t open and change things all over again. Recently it seems I just never know what’s going to happen.

The household has been significantly stressed recently. Not to the point of mental breakdown or insanity, but just to the point where responsibilities and deadlines weigh over our heads and the actions which must be taken are hard to absorb. We all feel that we’ve discovered how I’m going to get better so we would like to see the process begin as soon as possible. Therefore we set the goal of being in Atlanta by June 1 and beginning my treatment. This doesn’t allow for a much time to clean up and sell a house of which we’ve been living in for almost 18 years. Things tend to pile up after 18 years. I’m feeling very antsy to get up off my butt and do some spring cleaning but unfortunately that is not possible and the burden rests on my parents. I can’t say exactly how the move is going to work out but I trust that everything will. It always does.

On top of the work my dad has to do around the house, he also has to help me with my assigned homework which was given to me by Sue Leger at Center IMT. Most of the recovery which will take place in my body over the coming months will take place outside of the therapeutic setting and will depend largely on my dedication to do my assigned homework every day. It is a completely different approach than what I’ve been used to as the majority of the techniques are not focused on exercise but simple techniques which will improve my health, improve nerve regeneration, sensation, and motor function. One of these techniques includes raising the head of my bed four to 8 inches so that I am sleeping in an inclined position. The force of gravity is supposed to improve circulation, nerve regeneration and overall health. Documented improvements among spinal cord injuries include better temperature regulation, reduced urinary tract infections, and increases in energy. It’s only been a few days now but I’m already feeling warmer and more energized.

Also every night I am doing what is called threshold electrical stimulation. My abdominals, lower back, shoulders and triceps are all stimulated for six hours while I sleep with a low dose of stimulation to improve sensation and the flow of nutrients to these areas. During the daytime I’m using a technique called brushing where my dad uses a surgical brush over my entire body enhancing sensation in each area. To improve motor function I am doing neuro muscular electrical stimulation, stimulating my upper back, chest and triceps actually creating a contraction in each muscle group. My left tricep has been especially affected by the NMES and feels stronger after each session. My homework also includes using what is called a Chi machine for my legs and using a foot vibrator on the soles of my feet each day. I ordered these items off the Internet and I’m awaiting their arrival.

I’ve always known that emotions play a large role in the healing process but Center IMT has helped me to fully realize many of these emotions and has taught me how to release them so that they don’t affect my healing. Throughout the course of our lives we have our struggles, and many times we refuse to let go of the anger and resentment of certain times and places. Therefore it is important for us to find ways to release these past emotions. I’ve been taught to do this with baseball bats. Every day I’m to attach two plastic baseball bats to my hands, crank my music, and whack something as hard as I can for 30 minutes while I yell out my frustrations of the past present and future. Many times I’ll pick a certain age and remember what I was angry about during that time, and let it fly. It is one of the most cathartic and pleasurable experiences I’ve ever had in my life. As I yell out past resentment and anger, I can feel the negative energy pouring out of my muscle tissues. I believe that these negative energies have played a huge role in preventing my recovery.

There’s a few other homework assignments which I did not mention but I’m pretty sure you get the picture of how busy and focused I am on my recovery. It’s amazing to me how much my focus has changed concerning my recovery over the past month. The only thing I knew of was intensive exercise and now it’s as if exercising is secondary to much more important avenues of healing. As my body progresses exercising becomes much more important but right now I am setting the stage for substantial recovery to take place. I’m cleansing my system and cleaning out all the junk my life and this injury has stored within me. I’ve always known intensive exercise was important but deep down I knew something was missing. Just doing intensive exercise would have taken me to tremendous places but I don’t believe it would have taken me to a full recovery. There’s a huge difference in my mindset at the present moment than it was several months ago. Several months ago I was positive significant progress was going to be made and that the possibility of walking was in my future. Now I not only know progress will be made, but I know I will walk again.

I will walk again. This statement has always been hard to voice. It’s almost as if the statement is taboo for the spinal cord community. But I’m slowly reaching the point where I don’t care what people think of my determination to achieve my desires. I’m not going to let the viewpoint of others affect my ability to manifest everything which I dream of. I once thought that I didn’t deserve my desires because there are so many people out there with their own desires, yet to be achieved. But now I know that I deserve to achieve my dreams and there is nothing wrong with manifesting them, for I have the ability to create whatever I want in life. It simply takes determination and the proper mindset.

It is not our limitations which we are afraid of but our limitless capacity to succeed. As humans we are actually afraid to tap into the huge amount of power of which we are capable. I’m not sure why exactly we tend to cower behind our limitations and ignore the fact that we are instruments of God capable of anything. Maybe it’s because we constantly see ourselves as separate from God and not good enough for his glory, but we are. It only takes the realization of God’s unity to harness all of his power at the tips of our fingers. We are meant to succeed. We are meant to achieve all of our desires. We are not meant to be victims in this life but we are meant to be a glorious beacon of light which never dims nor darkens. I pray that all who reads this and is joining me on this journey, opens the doors of creation and searches for everything they ever wanted. Searching is the key. Never stop searching for the light will lead you to your heart’s desires. The path to success is right in front of us each and every day. We must simply have the courage to reach out and grab it.

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10 Responses to Arriving to Leave

  1. Patricia says:

    Colin! how wonderful! Yes, it is so often a courage that wells up that makes me do things I didn\’t think possible. When I feel afraid, it is easy to lose sight of the courage, but I have found recently that being afraid of something new, I reach within myself, think for awhile and then turn up with some new "extra courage" from somewhere. This new courage seems more directed and faithfully strong. I have often thought back to the times when my brain was really hurt – I lacked many things but I was also curiously courageous like a child. I made phone calls to possible mentors and didn\’t mind what people thought of me for going for it. I was amazed to find many doors open simply because I had lost the shy part of myself and the complicated web of negative things that seem to make a person think something may not be feasible. What I found was that so many of the people that I admired and called upon, who actually were some of my favorite well-known photographers, had done similiar things and were open to answering questions and giving me extrememly helpful advice. There were some egos and no\’s but that was okay too. It didn\’t seem to phase me. I always recall that as the best thing about my injury. I need to remember it in my daily life now often when I get down and out. The thing was, when I operated straight from my heart without so many thoughts getting in the way, I felt this flow. This easy flow of something God given. It was as if my spirit did not just dwell somewhere within me but WAS me. It is odd how it seems so easy to tuck the soul and spirit into the inner confines as though it needs protecting – it actually seems to me that this is the most resiliant part. When sad it is actually when I am out of tune with it though sometimes sadness seems so deep – but always there it sits the spirit and its courage and it lifts me up when I am ready. I don\’t think that God made us as something not good enough for glory – I think that the opposite is true. I think that we are here to live our best lives. I heard that – "live your best life" and I thought it was soothing – it encompasses so much. It means to me an openness to all things and living in-spirit. It teaches me that when I hit an obstacle that I do my best. Recently I had an assignment, I was not great at it. I ran into so many technical problems with the computer design stuff and suddenly I realized that I wasn\’t focusing on the parts that I do want to be good at – that somewhere I had begun to people-please and lose track of what I love. I actually thought Gosh I\’m quitting photography! But I wasn\’t even working with the camera, the part I love, I was stuck in an office doing the part that I know nothing about and find it hard to learn. I will learn it but I won\’t let that seem so all encompassing. A simple roadblock – and instead of finding a simple solution, it knocked me so off balance. So it was helpful here to hear you talk about the path. The path is right in front of us and for some reason it seems like a short cut might be interesting and darn if it doesn\’t seem to make the journey harder! There is trust in believing in the path – it takes courage -especially when someone else is pointing at various other paths – but with heart the true path shines and sort of awaits us.
    Dream big! Love your writing. Keep up the baseball thing – I did something akin to that more by accident and it felt great. I think it was good to remember cause I probably need to do it again…take out the garbage so to speak.
    lots a hugs, patti 

  2. Patricia says:

    Colin! how wonderful! Yes, it is so often a courage that wells up that makes me do things I didn\’t think possible. When I feel afraid, it is easy to lose sight of the courage, but I have found recently that being afraid of something new, I reach within myself, think for awhile and then turn up with some new "extra courage" from somewhere. This new courage seems more directed and faithfully strong. I have often thought back to the times when my brain was really hurt – I lacked many things but I was also curiously courageous like a child. I made phone calls to possible mentors and didn\’t mind what people thought of me for going for it. I was amazed to find many doors open simply because I had lost the shy part of myself and the complicated web of negative things that seem to make a person think something may not be feasible. What I found was that so many of the people that I admired and called upon, who actually were some of my favorite well-known photographers, had done similiar things and were open to answering questions and giving me extrememly helpful advice. There were some egos and no\’s but that was okay too. It didn\’t seem to phase me. I always recall that as the best thing about my injury. I need to remember it in my daily life now often when I get down and out. The thing was, when I operated straight from my heart without so many thoughts getting in the way, I felt this flow. This easy flow of something God given. It was as if my spirit did not just dwell somewhere within me but WAS me. It is odd how it seems so easy to tuck the soul and spirit into the inner confines as though it needs protecting – it actually seems to me that this is the most resiliant part. When sad it is actually when I am out of tune with it though sometimes sadness seems so deep – but always there it sits the spirit and its courage and it lifts me up when I am ready. I don\’t think that God made us as something not good enough for glory – I think that the opposite is true. I think that we are here to live our best lives. I heard that – "live your best life" and I thought it was soothing – it encompasses so much. It means to me an openness to all things and living in-spirit. It teaches me that when I hit an obstacle that I do my best. Recently I had an assignment, I was not great at it. I ran into so many technical problems with the computer design stuff and suddenly I realized that I wasn\’t focusing on the parts that I do want to be good at – that somewhere I had begun to people-please and lose track of what I love. I actually thought Gosh I\’m quitting photography! But I wasn\’t even working with the camera, the part I love, I was stuck in an office doing the part that I know nothing about and find it hard to learn. I will learn it but I won\’t let that seem so all encompassing. A simple roadblock – and instead of finding a simple solution, it knocked me so off balance. So it was helpful here to hear you talk about the path. The path is right in front of us and for some reason it seems like a short cut might be interesting and darn if it doesn\’t seem to make the journey harder! There is trust in believing in the path – it takes courage -especially when someone else is pointing at various other paths – but with heart the true path shines and sort of awaits us.
    Dream big! Love your writing. Keep up the baseball thing – I did something akin to that more by accident and it felt great. I think it was good to remember cause I probably need to do it again…take out the garbage so to speak.
    lots a hugs, patti 

  3. Patricia says:

    Colin! how wonderful! Yes, it is so often a courage that wells up that makes me do things I didn\’t think possible. When I feel afraid, it is easy to lose sight of the courage, but I have found recently that being afraid of something new, I reach within myself, think for awhile and then turn up with some new "extra courage" from somewhere. This new courage seems more directed and faithfully strong. I have often thought back to the times when my brain was really hurt – I lacked many things but I was also curiously courageous like a child. I made phone calls to possible mentors and didn\’t mind what people thought of me for going for it. I was amazed to find many doors open simply because I had lost the shy part of myself and the complicated web of negative things that seem to make a person think something may not be feasible. What I found was that so many of the people that I admired and called upon, who actually were some of my favorite well-known photographers, had done similiar things and were open to answering questions and giving me extrememly helpful advice. There were some egos and no\’s but that was okay too. It didn\’t seem to phase me. I always recall that as the best thing about my injury. I need to remember it in my daily life now often when I get down and out. The thing was, when I operated straight from my heart without so many thoughts getting in the way, I felt this flow. This easy flow of something God given. It was as if my spirit did not just dwell somewhere within me but WAS me. It is odd how it seems so easy to tuck the soul and spirit into the inner confines as though it needs protecting – it actually seems to me that this is the most resiliant part. When sad it is actually when I am out of tune with it though sometimes sadness seems so deep – but always there it sits the spirit and its courage and it lifts me up when I am ready. I don\’t think that God made us as something not good enough for glory – I think that the opposite is true. I think that we are here to live our best lives. I heard that – "live your best life" and I thought it was soothing – it encompasses so much. It means to me an openness to all things and living in-spirit. It teaches me that when I hit an obstacle that I do my best. Recently I had an assignment, I was not great at it. I ran into so many technical problems with the computer design stuff and suddenly I realized that I wasn\’t focusing on the parts that I do want to be good at – that somewhere I had begun to people-please and lose track of what I love. I actually thought Gosh I\’m quitting photography! But I wasn\’t even working with the camera, the part I love, I was stuck in an office doing the part that I know nothing about and find it hard to learn. I will learn it but I won\’t let that seem so all encompassing. A simple roadblock – and instead of finding a simple solution, it knocked me so off balance. So it was helpful here to hear you talk about the path. The path is right in front of us and for some reason it seems like a short cut might be interesting and darn if it doesn\’t seem to make the journey harder! There is trust in believing in the path – it takes courage -especially when someone else is pointing at various other paths – but with heart the true path shines and sort of awaits us.
    Dream big! Love your writing. Keep up the baseball thing – I did something akin to that more by accident and it felt great. I think it was good to remember cause I probably need to do it again…take out the garbage so to speak.
    lots a hugs, patti 

  4. Patricia says:

    oh for crying out loud!! obviously I only meant to do that once! sorry!

  5. Linda says:

    Congratulations on being featured on MSN.  You sound like a real gem.  I look forward to getting to know you.  I\’ll be back to visit.

  6. Patricia says:

    yep I agree, there is great beauty in so many places – sometimes I see that soul shine through and I hope to catch a glimpse or a photo of that beauty; it seems everywhere. And yes, there is something about suffering that makes one seek. I call them "growing pains" often, but really it has been what in my private moments has shaped my beliefs and continuously transformed them. Additionally it has taught me a perserverance that I never knew before and a faith much stronger than I could ever imagine.
    My best to you and hope you are enjoying this great weather!! Patti

  7. Etan says:

    Congratulations on being featured. Really like your writing.
    Change is a stressful time for anyone… moving especially is traumatic. You seem to be dealing well tho.
    I can see what you mean about other people trying to force the \’reality\’ of being paralyzed and facing what is the common perception  about recovery. Each case is different. What may be coming to terms with reality for one is giving up to another.  
     
    Sincerest best wishes in your full recovery.  Stop by any time.

  8. linda says:

    I appreciate the detail that you chose to
    write about.  Especially including your
    parents\’ dedication.  Thank-you for
    representing God\’s grace & power.
     

  9. wendy says:

    Hope u r getting better n better!!!!!

  10. Joell says:

    Found you on the featured spaces.  Thanks for sharing your journey here.  Your positive attitude is infectious and I really enjoyed your blog.  Good luck on your move to Atlanta.  I look forward to reading more.
     
    Joell
     

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