Finding Peace with Uncertainty

The wanderings of my mind have been scattered over the past few weeks but the actual events have been rather straightforward. After a blustery few days of apartment hunting, my mom headed back to Charlotte leaving my dad and I to tough it out alone at the wonderful Residence Inn, which has become like a second home to me. From there I spent two weeks getting started with my dedicated recovery plan. I went to Center IMT on Monday, Wednesdays and Fridays, usually from 11 in the morning until six in the evening. On Tuesdays and Thursdays I went to Beyond Therapy at the Shepherd center from 1 until 4 PM. The end of each day always left me feeling exhausted, but I feel like I was always able to get sufficient rest and wake up in the morning ready to tackle the day.

So far participating in two different recovery programs has gone very well. I have not felt over exerted whatsoever, and the two programs actually do a good job of complementing each other. Many times in the past I have put pressure on myself to almost know exactly what it is I have to do in order to achieve the optimal recovery. Instead of just absorbing myself in whatever it is I was doing, I would question what I was doing it, how I was doing it, if I should be doing something else instead, and what that thing should be. I am now in a state of mind where my faith in recovery is so strong, that I’m just enjoying whatever activity I am being placed in. There is no need to try and perfect my road to recovery because I know that the recovery is going to take place and any type of stimulation is a good thing. There may be some bumps in the road along the way but for the most part I’m trying to simply enjoy my present recovery and not worry about future challenges until I reach them.

After two weeks of the recovery plan, it was time to leave and make a trip to Texas to see Francis, the energy healer once again. On the one hand I was very excited to go and see him, but on the other hand I was disappointed to become immersed in my regimen of recovery only to have to leave so soon. The two weeks in Atlanta was good, and I could feel many muscles wanting to fire up, but two weeks just wasn’t enough to truly see any significant gains. It was almost like getting the motor started but not pressing down on the accelerator.

Despite these feelings, I knew it was time to get a boost of healing energy once again. I had been putting the trip off for quite a long time and there was no excuses to not make the trip. I convinced my mom several weeks ago to come with us because I really wanted both her and my dad to get healing as well. It took us a solid two days to drive down there, yes we drove, but the trip went very smoothly. I saw Francis once a day, for five days, each session lasting about 10 to 15 minutes. Two of the days was one-on-one healing, and three of the days were group healings involving my parents as well.

It is hard to explain exactly how these healings make me feel emotionally and physically. It is always a very spiritual experience. I feel a very deep connection to a power of which I cannot explain but touches me in a way that lets me know that there are forces at work much larger than I’ve yet to consciously perceive. Most of the time a warmth enters my body and seems to spread from my chest into my arms and down through my toes. After some time a heaviness overwhelms me and my head seems to droop. I then usually get the feeling of relaxation and almost exhaustion as I want to fall over into my lap. It is usually at this point that the session ends.

Francis tells me that as long as I come to see him that I will walk again. When he tells me this, I know that he speaks the truth. His words ring of pure spirit, and everything in my gut tells me that he is the most good-natured, kind, and loving spirit whom I have ever communicated with. Seeing him not only revitalizes my faith in my future of walking, but cleanses my spirit and awakens my inner knowing of God and all the heavenly spirits around us which are guiding and helping us travel along this path of life. I now plan on seeing Francis every two to three months no matter how much of a hassle it might be. If anyone wishes to know more about Francis, feel free to contact me.

I am now once again at home in Charlotte. My initial feelings were ones of frustration but I have settled down now and I realize that my family and I are in a current stage of major transition and everything cannot happen all at once. It’s going to be a series of many baby steps before we reach a point of settling into a specific lifestyle. It looks like I’m going to be here for the next couple weeks and then my dad and I will move into our new apartment shortly after July 4th. My mom will be staying in Charlotte for now, most likely until she gets a job in Atlanta. We did indeed find an apartment that would work for me. Well, sort of. I will not have the luxury of a role in shower but there are many spinal cord injuries out there who deal with tubs and I can do the same. Plus, I’m going to be getting stronger and more independent so my daily life will automatically get easier.

Despite all the great things which have been occurring in my life recently, my mind has actually felt quite troubled. There’s a great deal of uncertainty in my life as well as my family, at the present time and I’ve been trying to find ways to deal with this uncertainty in a healthy manner. My natural tendencies lead me to react to various situations in emotional ways that do not always please me. These emotional reactions usually feel like a bubbling sensation of anticipated nervousness in the pit of my stomach. It is very easy for me to look towards the future and be afraid of what I cannot control, of the things that I must simply wait for in order to find out what happens. Within all the positive things that have been happening to me recently, I I feel as if I’m going through a period of tremendous growth. A period in which I have dedicated myself to trying to change. To understand how to balance accepting myself for who I am but at the same time realizing that there are things about myself which I would like to gain control over.

I wish to rid myself of fear. Is it possible? I don’t think it is possible to completely get rid of fear but I do think it is possible to diminish its control. To recognize when fear arises, accept it, and then let it go, replacing it with a more positive and desirable emotion. For some reason or another my mind has become trained to react to many situations with fear but I ask myself if it is possible to change the natural reaction to one of excitement, hope, faith, and confidence? I have been practicing this through various methods over the past few weeks and I’m finding that it is completely exhausting. I could wake up feeling the emotion of fear one morning and spend the entire day replacing this fear with something more positive. It always happens eventually, but the fear is so easy to find again. I have been conditioned to keep fear easily accessible on the surface of my mind whereas hope and faith are deeper down, waiting for me to find them. I wonder if I can create a role reversal? Bring hope and faith to the surface and let fear dwell somewhere deeper only emerging when absolutely necessary. How possible is it to change? How much of our emotions are simply who we are?

I believe dedicating oneself to changing is not easy and I do believe that all of our traits are part of who we are, but this does not mean we cannot change them and become who we would like to be. There is an essence within us which is full of joy, happiness, and bliss. Why should I exclude myself from being able to find and live through this essence? People think it’s natural to live in discomfort. That it is just part of who we are and we must accept it. I do accept my discomfort as part of who I am, but I also accept that in the midst of being who I am, I can always become someone better.

I am a divine spirit. I am not afraid of uncertainty and I am looking towards the future with faith and courage. Life is not chaotic. There is reason and purpose in everything that we do. God… quiet my mind and open my heart to the love, joy, and bliss of this life. Make me an instrument of your will. My will is your will, and your will is mine. Let us create all that we desire.

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2 Responses to Finding Peace with Uncertainty

  1. Unknown says:

    Hey Colin!  I haven\’t been by in awhile but it seems like a lot is going on in your life!  Im glad to hear that your healing sessions seem to have a positive outcome.  I really admire your parents for relocating to help you with your recovery process.  It will happen!
    Hope you are doing well.  Drop a line to say hello if you want to.
    Take care!

  2. Joell says:

    Your positive mental attitude is really something amazing.  And reading about your parents and their commitment to your recovery warms my heart.  Y\’all have a special bond.  Keep the faith! 

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