Last weekend I went to a keg party, with the goal in mind of not drinking any alcohol. I’ve done my share of partying in my life and never have I been able to be sober at a party and have fun. I’ve always thought that I needed alcohol to loosen up and have a good time. At this point my life, alcohol and I simply don’t go together. It makes me have to urinate like crazy, something I can’t take care of myself right now. Plus it makes me very cold and tired. So there I was surrounded by people with cups in their hands filled with cool refreshing beer. Nine times out of 10 I give in to the social pressures and I drink at least one. This time however I stood my ground and not one sip of alcohol did I drink. Then not only did I not drink, but I managed to surpass my inhibitions, let loose and have an enjoyable time. Who would’ve thought?
It felt good to achieve this goal. I was able to become who I was and not feel like I needed to become somebody else for others to enjoy my company. As I walk along this path of discovery and healing, I find myself discovering who I am. I find myself merging with an essence of Colin, who is not restricted by labels or identities. I can breathe in the moment, find a spot inside of me which contains no worries and live through it. However, in the moment that I find this spot of comfort, many times I find myself searching for drama to attach myself to. It’s as if sometimes I just can’t accept that everything went exactly like it was supposed to go.
I wonder if it is possible for me to liberate myself from attachment. Free myself from the suffering of desires and the control I try and have over what occurs in my life. Then I say "why not me?" Why is it so hard to believe that I can awaken to the existence of life which carries no burdens and no worries. And as the questions of life circle around my mind, I come back to the knowledge that all these questions may never bring any answers. Yet for some reason as I continued to trudge along, I am granted faith and peace.
I can still remember turning back to God in college. After a long stretch of absolutely no faith, I began to pray. I was a lost soul who craved something larger in life. I craved the knowledge of the existence of a driving force behind everything. I prayed but I could not find it. I spoke to a God which I did not understand. Yet now, I somehow understand that which cannot be understood. And I find God everywhere, and in everything. Unfortunately, this realization is not carried with me in all my moments. I cannot claim yet to be completely awakened to the existence of God. Yet at any moment, I know it can occur. Why not me?
Healing can be a powerful thing. The dedication I have taken to healing my physical body has transformed into healing on all possible levels. It has driven me to connect with an essence of myself far beyond the physical. To heal ourselves brings us back to a force straight from the heart of God, the force of creation, the force of manifestation. It is true that this accident has been a great gift. The identity of Colin has suffered a great deal. Everything Colin thought he was, is now gone. But the spirit, the spirit loves the hardships. It soaks up it up like a sponge and grows closer to God with each day of discovery.
Everything I am is driven by a force far greater than anything I can fathom. For me to believe that I can have an understanding of the purpose behind this force is quite ridiculous, so therefore I shall go forth and face the gifts which are brought upon me, whether I understand them or not. Acting and living to the best of my abilities, the results will manifest however God intends them to and I will find peace in knowing that an ultimate purpose is being fulfilled. Now I only have to go out live it. Easy enough right?