The Life of Spring

The beginning of March is here and in so the warm sunshine of spring peers through the window pane. As I feel the warm sun on my face and notice the crisp, cool wind transforming into a comfortable breeze, I feel the rejuvenation of life in my veins. My energy and my motivation reaches a new level and I look toward the coming months with great hope and determination. I feel a sudden urge to break through the confinements of my small apartment, face my fears and seek out the many adventures which lay at my fingertips.

Winter so easily sneaks up on me and seems to tie me down with ropes and twine. Without even realizing it my mind is muffled, my heart restricted, and my exuberance muted. Then in another instant, spring sneaks in through the back door and I feel a rebirth occurring as if I’m coming out of my winter cocoon to face the world again.

My social life has suffered a great blow since my injury. I blame much of this on my lack of independence and the many limitations I suffer from because of my disability. The limitation which always speaks loudly in my realm of fear is my inability to drain my bladder. At this point I pretty much rely on my dad always being there when I need him to help me release the fluids. This unfortunately does not allow me to be anywhere by myself for any long period of time. My fellow more experienced spinal cord injuries will tell me that it is possible for me to learn how to do it on my own and I feel a sense of guilt thinking that maybe I am holding myself back. Then I think through my circumstances and I foresee all the complications and aggravations. Many spinal cord injuries will undergo treatments of medication or various surgeries in order to have independence in this area. I however refuse to do so because of my vision of recovery.

Nevertheless, despite my challenges and barriers, spring has once again brought forth a motivation to do things, meet people, and see new places every chance I get. At this point that may involve dragging mom and dad along or limiting the scope of my adventurous vision because of my physical limitations but I can be certain that these modifications are not permanent. One day I will be able to head out the front door on my own, one man, one individual, facing the world alone.

Recovery, how is the recovery going? Such a wonderful question and I wish I had a wonderfully answer. There is definitely things happening, this I can say for sure. I can feel it physically whether it be pulses of energy flowing down my legs, feeling tightness in my quads, burning sensations in my chest or noticing a sensation of strength in my scapular muscles. There’s also a sense of knowing within my spirit urging me to be patient, have faith, and to expect a grand reward for my diligence and dedication. I can sense these things and I can feel it in my body, however I’ve yet to see as much as I sense and as much as I feel.

I am of course excited and encouraged by the strengthening I’m undergoing and all that I can feel occurring, but at the same time I do get discouraged wanting to see the benefits of all the healing that is happening. As of right now my parents are doing practically the same amount of work taking care of me that they were doing two years ago. In my mind it is time to release them of atleast some of these burdens. It is time for me to realize myself as an individual once again and break free of the binds which hold me down.

Until these life altering changes occur I’m trying to wake up each day, look at the sunrise and have gratitude to breathe life’s air once again. I will look at all the improvements I have made and all the blessings which have been bestowed upon me and realize how lucky I am to be alive and to be experiencing each moment of my life. Life is truly a blessing but most of the time we are blind to seeing it’s great purpose. If we could only see, we would realize how blessed we are to be given the chance of life, and we would weep with great joy until we had no more tears left to give.

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4 Responses to The Life of Spring

  1. Beth says:

    Colin, you are such a remarkable young man.  I am inspired to greater things each time I read your post.  I think that you could be a motivating factor in another\’s recovery.  I think it would be wonderful were you to write a book.  You certainly have the talent for it.
    I agree, we are blessed to be given the chance of life.

  2. Patricia says:

    Colin – so beautifully written and again you are my teacher. Each time I read your writing I am honored to have the chance to remember spirit and hope and faith. I too have been watching and sitting in the sunshine by the window. We just got buckets of snow but the sun is warm and my dog and I sit in the sun in the mornings. Love this entry. As always, your friend, dream big, love the present, peace, patti

  3. Queen Bee says:

    Hello, I\’ve been following your blog for quite a while now and I must say, you have an indomitable spirit. You are a living example of the resilience of people because of your courage and because you refuse to be bitter about life\’s tribulations. You are a special soul, and I think you will go places. Your story is inspiring and I hope it reaches more and more people as it unfolds..

  4. Neora Chana says:

    Hi, Colin,
    I asked to be your friend a while back because I love the vision you have of life and recovery.  Your posts have been helpful and insightfu. 
     
    Since I first read this post, your paragraph about the restricted social life and time alone has troubled me.  For  me, it posits an \’either/or\’ type of thinking.  It strikes me as infering that either:
     
    1.  I completely forget recovery and learn how to cope in this state or
    2.  I completely recover and therefore what\’s the point of learing how to cope with a
         disability.
     
    I would gently challenge that.  Could it be that part of your path in this trip is to learn to cope with a disability, to fully experience that while simultaneously seeking recovery?  Could you possibly be missing some experiences and people that could be important to your life journey?
     
    Again, this is not to say you are wrong in your decisions, but they are questions that have stuck with me since I first read this posting.
     
    Take care.

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