The beginning of March is here and in so the warm sunshine of spring peers through the window pane. As I feel the warm sun on my face and notice the crisp, cool wind transforming into a comfortable breeze, I feel the rejuvenation of life in my veins. My energy and my motivation reaches a new level and I look toward the coming months with great hope and determination. I feel a sudden urge to break through the confinements of my small apartment, face my fears and seek out the many adventures which lay at my fingertips.
Winter so easily sneaks up on me and seems to tie me down with ropes and twine. Without even realizing it my mind is muffled, my heart restricted, and my exuberance muted. Then in another instant, spring sneaks in through the back door and I feel a rebirth occurring as if I’m coming out of my winter cocoon to face the world again.
My social life has suffered a great blow since my injury. I blame much of this on my lack of independence and the many limitations I suffer from because of my disability. The limitation which always speaks loudly in my realm of fear is my inability to drain my bladder. At this point I pretty much rely on my dad always being there when I need him to help me release the fluids. This unfortunately does not allow me to be anywhere by myself for any long period of time. My fellow more experienced spinal cord injuries will tell me that it is possible for me to learn how to do it on my own and I feel a sense of guilt thinking that maybe I am holding myself back. Then I think through my circumstances and I foresee all the complications and aggravations. Many spinal cord injuries will undergo treatments of medication or various surgeries in order to have independence in this area. I however refuse to do so because of my vision of recovery.
Nevertheless, despite my challenges and barriers, spring has once again brought forth a motivation to do things, meet people, and see new places every chance I get. At this point that may involve dragging mom and dad along or limiting the scope of my adventurous vision because of my physical limitations but I can be certain that these modifications are not permanent. One day I will be able to head out the front door on my own, one man, one individual, facing the world alone.
Recovery, how is the recovery going? Such a wonderful question and I wish I had a wonderfully answer. There is definitely things happening, this I can say for sure. I can feel it physically whether it be pulses of energy flowing down my legs, feeling tightness in my quads, burning sensations in my chest or noticing a sensation of strength in my scapular muscles. There’s also a sense of knowing within my spirit urging me to be patient, have faith, and to expect a grand reward for my diligence and dedication. I can sense these things and I can feel it in my body, however I’ve yet to see as much as I sense and as much as I feel.
I am of course excited and encouraged by the strengthening I’m undergoing and all that I can feel occurring, but at the same time I do get discouraged wanting to see the benefits of all the healing that is happening. As of right now my parents are doing practically the same amount of work taking care of me that they were doing two years ago. In my mind it is time to release them of atleast some of these burdens. It is time for me to realize myself as an individual once again and break free of the binds which hold me down.
Until these life altering changes occur I’m trying to wake up each day, look at the sunrise and have gratitude to breathe life’s air once again. I will look at all the improvements I have made and all the blessings which have been bestowed upon me and realize how lucky I am to be alive and to be experiencing each moment of my life. Life is truly a blessing but most of the time we are blind to seeing it’s great purpose. If we could only see, we would realize how blessed we are to be given the chance of life, and we would weep with great joy until we had no more tears left to give.