I have been meditating on thoughts concerning letting go and what letting go means. It began as an external process, letting go of things in my life which I hold on tightly to and try and control. I realized once again that most aspects of my life I cannot control. I have my desires and wants, but for the most part all I can do is my best and then accept the rewards which come my way, even if they are not the rewards I expected. The thing with desires is that what we think we want usually isn’t what we want at all and once we get what we want we realize it’s either not what we wanted or not what we expected so we want something else. We are constantly striving to achieve that one thing which we desire but are only left chasing one desire after another.
I think the truth is that we never really know what exactly it is that we want, so it is impossible to strive after something so unsure, so uncertain. That’s why it is best to want only that which occurs or is meant for us to receive. But I will be the first to admit that it is not possible to completely rid ourselves of desires, hopes, and dreams. If we did not have these things what reason would we have to act each day and move forward towards a destination. Yet it is important to understand that as we move forward, creating wants and desires, that the end result will not be what we expected, or what we wanted, but it will be something created that was meant for us to create. Therefore we should feel blessed and grateful to receive the fruits of our actions, for we can be certain that it is something needed in our life in order to fulfill our ultimate purpose. We can work with life instead of against it.
As I went through the process of understanding letting go I further realized while dictating in my personal journal that letting go is actually not an external process at all but more of an internal one. I do not need to let go of people, places and things but I need to let go of myself. I need to let go of the self that believes I deserve specific circumstances. The self that tries to control and formulate aspects of life because I believe it is what is meant to occur. The self that believes he should be loved by everyone, granted all desires, and liberated from all suffering. I must let go of "me" and embrace a gentle understanding, and loving appreciation for all which occurs in my life. The tears, the anger, the gifts, the joys, the trials, the confusion, the laughter and the love. I need to step outside of the "me" and become a gentle observer on the outside looking in, softly touching all that arises in my life with a tender understanding that every moment is a divine, God created miracle.
Life is a magically orchestrated plan, put in place at the birth of creation where each and everyone of us is playing a role. With this in mind, one can step back and discover a divine love for everything which encompasses the journey of life. All the emotions, all the actions, and all circumstances can be looked upon as the manifestation of a miracle. In so letting go of "me" does not involve becoming a rock and shedding off all disappointments, walking around with a suit of armor. Instead you shed the pieces of armor away, and let life hit you right in the heart, right in the place you thought you always had to protect.
I feel I’ve always had a very open heart. I freely give it away and open myself up to others. My problem is that my open-heart comes along with expectations and a sense that my heart deserves something. The controlling self quickly comes into the picture needing, wanting, and envisioning a reality that doesn’t exist. Instead I must open my heart and and let accurate reality, the pure moment, receive my heart without attachments. As soon as the me becomes involved, controlling, conniving to get a certain reality to occur, it is time to step back and once again let the miracle of divine manifestation take place.
One situation which I have been holding onto with a firm grip has been the vision I have of my recovery. It is a fact that I’m going to walk again but I discovered that I’m forgetting to be grateful for all the blessings I am receiving along the way. I recently have had a surge of strength. I consistently have these moments were I feel physically sick, almost flu like, and then I suddenly feel better and a surge of strength takes place. I always half expect muscles to suddenly wake up and to come flying to my feet. Instead I get an overall feeling of stabilization, more muscle tightness, and more feeling of energy flow. I’ve been so focused on becoming this miracle boy that when I see the improvement I shrug it off and complain about the slowness.
I cannot forget to remember how blessed I am to be in the position I am in. To come as far as I have come, to have the destiny, and even the opportunity to recover and feel the earth beneath my feet again. I am probably three to four times stronger now than I was a year ago yet I so easily forget this statement because of expectations of a miraculous recovery. I do believe that tremendous recovery is destined for my future, but this does not take away from the beautiful moments where I feel the internal healing taking place and small steps of improved strength along the way. Every moment is a miracle, every moment is beautiful and nothing which happens in our life should be considered ordinary.
I am beginning to see Francis more often now, about once a month. He tells me that he keeps expecting me to jump out of my seat. I am going to be walking again soon he says. It is hard not to become fixated on the timing of all this. Squinting my eyes together and gritting my teeth, saying "Now! It needs to happen now!" More than anything I think my miraculous recovery may occur the moment in time when I let go of everything I hold onto so tightly and say, "Whenever you are ready God, I am here waiting with an open heart." Until then I will observe, experience, and be grateful.