Why am I here? Where am I going? What is my purpose here? Am I making the right decisions? Is everything under control? Do I have free will and am I using it appropriately?
All of these questions and never will I find any of the answers. Time and time again I can read and I can meditate but never will I reach a point where I can answer these questions and know that I am right. Time and time again I will always come back to the beginning and realize that I know nothing at all. It is very frustrating for me at times to know that there is so much going on around me and that nothing is what it seems to be. As a human in my current mental state I look around, judge my situations and perceive my life in certain ways but it is nowhere near an accurate depiction of true reality. All these things are happening around me and I have no awareness of what it is. It’s as if my awareness of God brings about a complete state of confusion, because I have absolute faith that He is there yet have no understanding of what He is.
At times I feel lost and alone as I look around me and observe people going about their lives. As I observe I sense something large and magnificent taking place, and nobody else seems to notice, so I feel alone. Then in my loneliness, I try and grasp what it is that I sense so that I may feel at peace. I suddenly realize that I have no idea what it is that I’m aware of and I feel lost. Confusion overcomes me as I realize that I’m stuck between two places. The place where I am completely absorbed in the illusion of attachment to the material identity of myself and the place place where I have an understanding of who I really am. Not being absorbed in illusion and still not knowing who I really am I feel as if I am hanging in space with nothing to hold on to.
Not having anything to hold onto may be exactly where I need to be. Knowing that I cannot fully understand the true meaning of my life, I attach myself to nothing, freeing my spirit to just be. But as I hang in space with nothing to grab ahold of, I am still flailing my arms around desperately seeking something to grab. Instead I must let my hands and feet relax and dangle in space, and simply float with the rhythm of wherever it is that I am. I am not there right now however. Right now I look around me and I feel scared. Scared because no matter what I do, I’ll never really know what is happening to me and what it all means.
So do I give up? Do I throw in the towel and stop looking around trying to make sense of it all? The answer of course is no. No because as I continue to look around within and with out, in one instant, one fragment of time a flash of light can occur and I will know. I will not know so that I can write down and explain. But I will know in a way that needs no explanation, for God cannot be understood through knowledge. He can only be experienced. So therefore, I continue to open my eyes as wide as I can and let everything around me and within me absorb into the core of my being. I experienced this life, the confusion, the fear and anything else which may arise. Always knowing that even if I can not understand, the purpose is there.
I’m not sure where all this is coming from. Even the things that I’m writing now don’t make sense to me. I’ve been in a state of frustration lately. I feel myself recovering slowly but surely, but so far no independence has occurred and I’m starting to feel my life pass me by. Even though so much growth has occurred since my injury and I’ve learned so much, in many ways I’ve been lazy. I have constantly been waiting on recovery to start living my life. I have found a great deal of peace over the past few years, but this inner peace has not resulted in a state of happiness. Happiness is fleeting, and just another emotion which comes and goes in life, but it is one emotion I wish I could feel more often. I’m tired of finding peace in fear, peace in confusion, and peace in suffering. I would like to know what it feels like to be unbelievably, ridiculously happy.
Knowing that deep down I am not all that happy, I wonder what the smile means which I flash to people on a daily basis. Am I being fake, just giving people what they would like to see? I don’t think so. I think my persona comes from a state of joy that I feel. A contentment that I am here experiencing something mysterious and magical, and the gratefulness of just being alive. Or possibly I am just being hard on myself, and I’m much happier than I think I am.
Who knows? Processing my thoughts has not been easy for me lately. I’ve been bombarded with all these questions that are swirling around in my mind like a tornado never settling down so that I can clear away the wreckage and make meaning of it all. At the same time there seems to be a great deal of energetic shifts occurring in my body. I feel as if I am taking on more oxygen and my brain and lungs haven’t quite figured out what to do with it yet. I feel anxiety over come me wanting to jump up and run around the block. My legs feel as if they want to move in every which way, but straps seem to be holding them down. I feel tightening sensations in my trunk and upper body as if they want to come alive as well.
Over and over again I feel as if miraculous recovery is about to occur. I told myself that this time I would just observe and be thankful for what is happening. I would not set myself up for disappointment thinking that something major was about to happen only to discover that I became a little bit stronger. But something is happening to me. Something which I cannot explain. Whatever it is, I am grateful.
It seems like this is the first time in awhile that I have expressed a great deal of frustration. It is hard for me to admit that I am lost without any answers. This usually happens when I come down to a battle of free will versus destiny. What is it that I have control over and what is just meant to be? What is it that I’m supposed to do, and what is it that I just need to let go of? Is life just a screenplay that has already occurred and I’m just sitting in the movie theater watching? Maybe life is a dream which I am actually controlling without even realizing it. Maybe everything which happens in my life is actually being created by me this very second. Maybe if I knew how, I could create everything I ever wanted. But what is it that I truly want?
It would be nice if I could settle on one set of beliefs and just live my life accordingly. Instead every time I learn something, a few months later it gets shot down and I have to start over again. I definitely think that much of our lives is just meant to be. My most profound realizations have been realizing that I am involved in a divine plan. I think I’ll just stick with that. For now anyways.