Spiritual Expresson

Last weekend I went through a mini identity crisis. Looking back on it seems like it was a phrase I was going through as I was shifting through various energies and heading down my course of healing. Every once in awhile I further realize that the healing I’m undergoing is not simply physical but the spiritual and mental aspects are playing a large role. I am not trying to recover from a simple broken bone or a torn ligament. I’m trying to rebuild my entire nervous system something that the medical establishment has generally stated as impossible. I know however that when it comes to healing, nothing is impossible. But, in order to achieve what I’m trying to achieve, I’m having to attack this injury on a very holistic level realizing that every part of my being plays a role in my bodily function. Therefore I must discover harmony on all levels, spiritually, mentally, and physically. This seems like a huge responsibility to undertake but on the contrary I feel like it is happening naturally, as if it is meant to occur.

Last weekend, as a rush of sensations were flowing through my body, and my mental state was anything but calm, I felt the complete loss of knowing who I was. I’ve stated many times in this blog, that I’m not Colin, I am not this material body, but I am a spirit of God. This realization has helped me a great deal in my life, but it suddenly left me with a great dilemma. Knowing that I am God, brings comfort, but sometimes God just seems like a huge question mark. I am not always able to grab a hold of God and discover who I am. When I try and fall back on my human identity, it seems like an illusion.

I’m now discovering the mistake I have been making. I have been separating my identity on this earth and my spirit as two different categories. I now realize that my identity as Colin, is as much a part of God, as the Spirit which it contains. Colin, is the expression my spirit has created for God on earth. There is no difference between my spirit and my identity. It’s all God. So instead of seeing my material identity as an illusion I must also love this expression of my spirit as I love the true form within.

I now realize I do not have to always view my surroundings as one form, one mystery that I must realize. I can observe my surroundings and appreciate each unique form as an individual expression of divine presence all around us. I can embrace who I am because my spirit has made a choice to express itself in this form, in this life. Before I came to this earth I chose to be who I am, so therefore I can embrace who I am and realize that I am an individual, separate from all else, here to express myself in my own unique way.

I am now experiencing a breakdown of the split identity I formed between my identity and my spirit. As the two merged together as one I sensed a divine peace in my surroundings that I’ve not felt in quite some time. I spent the day with my parents at the Atlanta Botanical Gardens. Shapes and colors jumped out at me with such clarity and vividness, that I could not help but sense something magical taking place. Each moment felt like I was right where I was supposed to be and nothing was out of place. I realized the individual expressions of God all around me while at the same time realizing the connectedness of everything and everyone. I find it almost impossible to describe what it’s like to enter this sacred place where everything blends together and you’re no longer struggling for something to hold onto. It is a place where the power of the present moment is illuminated, and your entire surroundings begin to pulse, and breathe with a harmonious rhythm which soothes the soul and heals the heart.

There is a thing called the ego, which I define as a false sense of identity. This false identity expresses itself when the spirit goes unrealized. It is necessary to be aware of ego so that one can discover when they are straying from their spirit. But it seems that the pendulum can also swing in the opposite direction, a place where I found myself lost, trying to forget about my identity altogether. This is not currently possible because I’m a human being and as a human being I have a responsibility to carry out the duties I am meant to perform. Therefore I must accept and love who I represent on this earth, and do the best I can to express myself through the beauty of a divine spirit which I cannot fully understand. I may not understand what the true spirit really is, but through gentle precision and awareness, I can enter a divine place where understanding is simply experienced. In this sacred place I’m free to be who I am, without shame and without fear.

In summary my current understanding includes:

-I am a human being with form and identity.

-This form and identity is an expression of God, my spirit.

-The human ego can sometimes get in the way of true spiritual expression.

-It is our purpose to overcome ego and allow the Spirit to express its true form.

Who knows? Maybe I’ve got it this time. Unlikely. Even death brings no final destination. Creation, manifestation, and the never-ending search for God. Without it, maybe God wouldn’t exist at all?

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4 Responses to Spiritual Expresson

  1. Beth says:

    An excellent post written from the heart.  My prayers are with you.

  2. Patricia says:

    Dear Colin – I love your entries. They are always so thought provoking. Rencently I have been reading Mary Williamson\’s A Return to Love, A reflection in the Course of Miracles. A friend had given it to me awhile ago and I couldn\’t find it and then I found it in a bag with a bunch of childhood pictures which seems sort of appropo. This past year, I have doubted a lot of things and made some poor decisions – drinking and avoidance of things. It was terribly self-destructive. I met this girl and she said that this was her "year of marriage" and I thought hmm, what is this year for me if I had to define it? I thought about the past year and how poorly I had treated myself – how if I was a friend I would never have treated her/him that way – and thus I decided to try to be a better friend to myself – it sounds selfish – but the reverse sort of happened. The more I tried to take care of myself oddly the more time and energy I had to devote to friendships. In many ways to, though I had some serious doubts in my faith, I began to realize that my body and mind and entire existance were a gift from God and that He would want me to be good to myself – that by not being so was really sad. Anyway the book that I found really made me think about the gift of our souls and spirit – mine and the collective spirit and that love is what binds us all to eachother and is our spirits most natural essence – it is in fact, all love. I had up to a point separated my life into two sections – pre-injury and post-injury – I felt like I was two different people – then too the idea of self and feeling so seperate from anything and feeling alone. BUT As I feel more close to that light within us, I realize that there is no pre- and post- that my spirit is just the same and a gift or God within me and within everyone and also holds us all together. That in many ways all the questions that my injury brought me have taught me and brought me much closer to knowing who I really am – spiritually, spirit, soul and compassion and love for the collective soul as well. I spoke to a childhood friend who I grew up with and hadn\’t spoken to in years. I have moved away from my childhood area since the injury and into a smaller town. My friend was describing the mansion she just brought and all this stuff, but she didn\’t really seem happy – I mean if a mansion was going to house happiness than that is great – but I sensed some sort of void trying to be filled by the tone of her voice and the descriptions of or lack thereof of other parts of her life. I don\’t have that much and I questioned my lack of envy – not in a mean way but in a truthful way. It became clear that through all my insecuriities and questioning and searching in life that my life has been so enriched by the journey of soul-searching and living in a place both physically and mentally that was not so materialistically competitive. That I grew over these years to discover what I value, sense and feel; that at times it has been a struggle; that I wish I had come to this place via a different method, but how amazed I was by the magic of life that you too talk about in your entry. The book mentioned something about not being able to see a breeze but that we know that it is there and that God is the same way. And the love that is there, within us and around us. Last year during my "descent" into just gosh, I guess melting, and looking and feeling so lost and drunk and stupid – I was looking everywhere on the outside to find comfort and validation and just real love. This great dark void had felt all around me and I was so very very down. I fell apart really. My descent was all at once a separation from myself and from everyone around me – it was self-centered too if that makes any sense. I spent so much time thinking of all that I felt needy for – I don\’t know – I haven\’t sorted it all out yet, but I\’m starting to and I haven\’t drank since the new year, have lost weight on my diet and feel physically better, brain injury still poses many problems but I feel much better facing them or being aware of them than being too drunk to notice or the fact that it stopped progress in my brain recovery in all regards. I feel sad sometimes but I also feel an extreme amount of love and gratitude and just this great love for all people and God. I\’m embarassed by how I missed last year being so stupid and I\’m deeply sorry for it. I think our souls are magical – yours, mine, everyone\’s – a gift from God truly and where He resides within us. Late for work but I hope all this came out the way I intended – I probabbly shared a bit too much – blah blah. I hope you are well. Dream big and much love to you, Patti  

  3. BP says:

    Dear Colin, It has been so long since I\’ve been by here that I honestly cannot even remember the last time.
    It was just pure serendipity that led me to your site once again.  I was looking up how asedopholus  effects the body and your site was the second one.  I recognized it immediately and decided to stop by.
    I have found spiritual turmoil seems to go hand-in-hand when you are rehabilitating your body and mind following the tragic accident.  Some people are never able to truly come to grips with many of the questions that these types of incidents bring into your psyche, but I know that you will eventually sort through everything.It is wonderful to see you are still improving and I hope everything continues to go well.  BTW, if you ever want to send me a message about how I can feel my bladder and the possibility of becoming more into with your body, don\’t hesitate to click on my spaces site.  I will, however, mention that everyone is different when it comes to spinal cord injuries.Take care,Billy Paul

  4. says:

    When  I  read  your  post, I  have  to   look  up  some  words  actually. But  maybe  I  can  understand  you  to  some  degree. A  good   post

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