Last weekend I went through a mini identity crisis. Looking back on it seems like it was a phrase I was going through as I was shifting through various energies and heading down my course of healing. Every once in awhile I further realize that the healing I’m undergoing is not simply physical but the spiritual and mental aspects are playing a large role. I am not trying to recover from a simple broken bone or a torn ligament. I’m trying to rebuild my entire nervous system something that the medical establishment has generally stated as impossible. I know however that when it comes to healing, nothing is impossible. But, in order to achieve what I’m trying to achieve, I’m having to attack this injury on a very holistic level realizing that every part of my being plays a role in my bodily function. Therefore I must discover harmony on all levels, spiritually, mentally, and physically. This seems like a huge responsibility to undertake but on the contrary I feel like it is happening naturally, as if it is meant to occur.
Last weekend, as a rush of sensations were flowing through my body, and my mental state was anything but calm, I felt the complete loss of knowing who I was. I’ve stated many times in this blog, that I’m not Colin, I am not this material body, but I am a spirit of God. This realization has helped me a great deal in my life, but it suddenly left me with a great dilemma. Knowing that I am God, brings comfort, but sometimes God just seems like a huge question mark. I am not always able to grab a hold of God and discover who I am. When I try and fall back on my human identity, it seems like an illusion.
I’m now discovering the mistake I have been making. I have been separating my identity on this earth and my spirit as two different categories. I now realize that my identity as Colin, is as much a part of God, as the Spirit which it contains. Colin, is the expression my spirit has created for God on earth. There is no difference between my spirit and my identity. It’s all God. So instead of seeing my material identity as an illusion I must also love this expression of my spirit as I love the true form within.
I now realize I do not have to always view my surroundings as one form, one mystery that I must realize. I can observe my surroundings and appreciate each unique form as an individual expression of divine presence all around us. I can embrace who I am because my spirit has made a choice to express itself in this form, in this life. Before I came to this earth I chose to be who I am, so therefore I can embrace who I am and realize that I am an individual, separate from all else, here to express myself in my own unique way.
I am now experiencing a breakdown of the split identity I formed between my identity and my spirit. As the two merged together as one I sensed a divine peace in my surroundings that I’ve not felt in quite some time. I spent the day with my parents at the Atlanta Botanical Gardens. Shapes and colors jumped out at me with such clarity and vividness, that I could not help but sense something magical taking place. Each moment felt like I was right where I was supposed to be and nothing was out of place. I realized the individual expressions of God all around me while at the same time realizing the connectedness of everything and everyone. I find it almost impossible to describe what it’s like to enter this sacred place where everything blends together and you’re no longer struggling for something to hold onto. It is a place where the power of the present moment is illuminated, and your entire surroundings begin to pulse, and breathe with a harmonious rhythm which soothes the soul and heals the heart.
There is a thing called the ego, which I define as a false sense of identity. This false identity expresses itself when the spirit goes unrealized. It is necessary to be aware of ego so that one can discover when they are straying from their spirit. But it seems that the pendulum can also swing in the opposite direction, a place where I found myself lost, trying to forget about my identity altogether. This is not currently possible because I’m a human being and as a human being I have a responsibility to carry out the duties I am meant to perform. Therefore I must accept and love who I represent on this earth, and do the best I can to express myself through the beauty of a divine spirit which I cannot fully understand. I may not understand what the true spirit really is, but through gentle precision and awareness, I can enter a divine place where understanding is simply experienced. In this sacred place I’m free to be who I am, without shame and without fear.
In summary my current understanding includes:
-I am a human being with form and identity.
-This form and identity is an expression of God, my spirit.
-The human ego can sometimes get in the way of true spiritual expression.
-It is our purpose to overcome ego and allow the Spirit to express its true form.
Who knows? Maybe I’ve got it this time. Unlikely. Even death brings no final destination. Creation, manifestation, and the never-ending search for God. Without it, maybe God wouldn’t exist at all?