Today is the four-year anniversary of my accident. This one hurts more than any other anniversary I’ve gone through so far. Four years just seems like such a long time. It seems kind of like a breaking point for me. Next month I’ll be turning 25. When I was injured I was 20 years old, almost 21. I can’t believe how fast time has flown by.
There is no doubt that I am making significant progress and my upcoming achievements concerning my physical recovery, seem inevitable. Yet, at the current time I’m feeling depressed and lonely. Throughout my life I’ve never quite felt like I belonged anywhere. I would reach a new place in life, and find it exciting and interesting for a while, but then suddenly just feel completely out of place and move on. I’ve yet to feel truly comfortable in Atlanta and over the past year the process of being here actually has not been all that easy for me.
I began to vent today about the peace, joy and bliss I am trying to attain and wonder if I am making any sort of progress. I constantly feel like I am processing, running into fears, and sometimes wish I could just have a little breathing room, a little comfort, a little support. It would be nice if I could completely accept where I am in life right now, on all levels, and just be content and happy. I’m constantly too hard on myself, focusing on my flaws, and all the things I don’t have but wish I could. I’m always practicing the art of loving kindness and forgiveness for myself and all others, yet the practice seems to always remind me how far away I am from the goal. Instead of always trying to achieve perfection, maybe I should just accept my flaws, observe them, and live with them, instead of always trying to reach perfection. Many times I do accept my emotions, my flaws, and simply meditate on who I am at the moment, as a human. But this does not take away from the uncomfortable feeling of being alone and lost.
On the outside I seem to be a very happy person. I get along well with others and I am apparently enjoying my life, but many times on the inside I am afraid and hurting. But I do not wish to portray these feelings. I want to be a person who uplifts the energy of the room and spreads a feeling of joy. I know that I’m not being fake when I’m out and about, but many times when I come back home and I’m alone is when the fear strikes me.
I’m venting a great deal here. It has been awhile since I’ve opened up my heart on this blog and discussed my insecurities. To be honest, the thought of recovery even scares me. I don’t even know if major recovery is going to bring me the peace I seek. Recovery is going to bring me a whole new set of fears to face. I sound like a mental case here. I could rack my brain and find all the reasons why I should feel love, joy and peace but right now I just don’t feel like it. I feel like being sad. I feel like thinking about the things I want but don’t have. I feel like thinking about loneliness. I feel like thinking about the fact that I do not have a clue as to what I should do, how I should feel, or what this all means. Because frankly, this is life. This is my life, and my life is going to have constant phases.
Sometimes I get the feeling that I must be happy in order to recover. I hope that is not the case. I know that there will be times of ecstatic joy and happiness in my life. As of right now I’ll be at peace knowing there is great reason and purpose in my life, but being at peace does not necessarily mean being extremely happy. There can be joy, which I believe I do express on a daily basis, not because I being fake, not because I’m trying too hard, but because I have an inner peace of faith, no matter what human emotion is occurring inside of me. I can be sad on the inside, and still spread the light of God, because even sadness is a divine expression. We are not meant to always be happy, running around like little Barbie doll’s, perfect and content. We are meant to be sad, we are meant to grow angry, we are meant to feel alone. Sounds like a harsh truth or maybe a false one. I don’t know right now and I’m okay with that.