I am sorry to say to my readers, but I’m not sure how much attention will be focused on my blog in the near future. I buckled down and finally committed to working on a book. I hate to even bring it up out of fear that I might go through another phase of ignoring this desire of mine. Maybe stating it here in the public forum of my blog might add more incentive to actually work on it.
For a long time I was continually thinking about how I would write the book and what exactly I would focus on. The task ahead of me seemed very daunting and so it always would be pushed to the wayside. I also could never quite figure out what I would focus on exactly. If I’m going to put all this effort into writing a book I would like to publish it one day. However, there are many aspects of my life that I’m not sure I want to print copies of and sell to the public. All these questions also made me constantly procrastinate.
Now I have decided that I’m just going to write. Whatever comes out of my mouth will go onto the screen and be saved on to my hard disk. Whatever God wishes me to create will be manifested and no fears will hold me back. The questions I mentioned above continue to arise, but I counter it with the reaction that I just need to keep going and worry about it later. Something tells me that this is something I’m supposed to do and therefore I’m going to do it.
It’s refreshing to have something else to focus on besides just therapy and working towards walking again. It has not been an easy task however. Reliving the past has been hard and many times after a long bout of writing, I feel very out of place and disconnected from the moment. I would really like to have some sort of author to be my mentor and guide me through these difficult questions of writing an autobiographical book. If anyone out there would like to give me some pointers feel free to. Or if you can point me in the right direction, I would be appreciative.
Not too long ago I got back from another trip to see Francis the healer in Austin, Texas. It was one of my more difficult trips. Several factors were at play. We had a hurricane to deal with, and we were staying at a new hotel so the familiarity factor was diminished. I also felt like the week of healing was very emotionally cleansing. Several emotions kept arising including anger, sadness, and anxiousness. Many times I felt trapped and out of control of the situation.
On our way home I came down with a urinary infection, the first obvious one in a long time. This coincided with my dad coming down with a cold. When we got home, my sister just had a baby(yeh!), so my mom promptly left to go see her. Once again my dad and I were alone, as we fended off illness. Within a few days I was able to kick my urinary infection. As my dad got over this cold, I began to come down with it as well. I began to do the remedy of Zicam religiously. If you have not tried this stuff, it is a must. It zapped all of my cold symptoms. No runny nose, no coughing. I was left with a headache however and felt very lethargic.
So for two weeks after our visit I felt under the weather. I’m finally beginning to come around but I’m still waiting to feel that huge burst of energy. I know that I am recovering and healing, but the job is very tiresome. Internally I feel like I am recovering tremendously, but the job my body is undergoing leaves me feeling very tired all the time. I feel like I constantly need to lay down and sleep. I’m accepting of this fact recently, because I realize I must listen to my body. Taking naps and resting is a perfect opportunity for my body to heal and recover. In my current state of physical capabilities, I am not meant to be on the go all day long.
I continue to wait for miraculous healing. It’s an unfortunate expectation that I cannot shake. There is no doubt that I’m making improvements and getting better. I’m slowly noticing that I’m capable of doing new things and my coordination is improving. It is unfortunate that people cannot see what I feel taking place in my body. I get frustrated at times wondering if I’m constantly going to feel things and never manifest what I feel happening inside of me. It is very hard for me to believe that I will not be walking again. The sensations I feel coursing through me are just too powerful.
For the most part I’m excited about the future as I push onwards. Fear does grip me every now and then, and I ask myself, "What the heck am I doing with my life!?" It then passes and I realize I know what I must do. I must walk again.