It All Leads to Surrender

Forgive me for it has been an unbelievably long time since I’ve written an update. I previously told my readers that I was attempting to write a book. Initially I made very good headway and out of all the projects I started, this one went the furthest. I initially started at the beginning and then got stuck, so I jumped ahead to a moment of my life that I was thinking about a lot. As I dove into this moment I found myself completely reliving it as I wrote. All the emotions came to the surface and I literally felt like I had gone back in time. Foolishly, after I finished writing this particular phase of my life I took a break. That break has now lasted to this day.

The month of December has been a difficult one. I came back to Atlanta after another visit to Francis the healer about a month ago. It was the most powerful session of healings that I’ve ever had. I felt as if there was a glowing aura of white light around me and I felt deeply at peace. A week or so later I began to notice significant physical improvements. The stability of my trunk was especially noticeable and I could visually and physically tell huge differences while standing. From the waist up my spine began to become more and more erect.

Two therapists with a good deal of effort help me take steps in the pool. As I take the steps the motion is becoming more and more natural to me and it seems there are visual signs that my legs have strength in them. It is especially noticeable when trying to drive each knee up in what’s called the swing phase of the step.

I found myself going to bed each night fully aware that major recovery was taking place and waking up each morning feeling a little bit stronger than the day before. This was all very exciting but as my physical recovery seemed to be improving my spiritual peace and emotional centeredness was dissipating. I was feeling anger, sadness and bitterness coming to the surface. Various emotions and memories which I thought I was over were coming back to haunt me and in the midst of physical improvements I was struggling mentally.

For awhile I found myself completely giving in. All I wanted to do was numb myself from the pain. Then one day I had enough and I decided to face myself. I began to journal constantly. Two sometimes three times a day, I sat in front of my computer and wrote down my personal thoughts and slowly but surely I came to many conclusions. I discovered my own personal power to be aware of my reality and discovered that I actually have many answers to the questions which haunt me. I discovered that there are many things about my life which I can know to be true but there are also many things about my life for which I just don’t have the answer. I must be aware of my own personal power while also being aware that there are limitations, and sometimes truth can be mistaken for the storyteller of the mind.

Facing myself and facing these demons has been painful work. I actually found myself becoming nervous before sitting down to write down my personal thoughts, but as they come out of me, answers follow, and I discover a space of peace. As I peel away the layers and discover peace, I find it all leading to one thing, surrender. Surrender is a powerful act, something that is very difficult to accept. So often I feel like I must be in control of my life, and if I let go of this control, somehow my world will come crashing down. I believe surrender will allow nothing I dream of to ever come true. In these moments I remind myself that I must let go of the life let go of the life I have planned for myself and make room for the life I am destined to live.

Life is about our own personal power there for our discovery which can lead to glorious manifestations. However creation must coincide with the doors of opportunity all around us. Unfortunately there will not always be a door available for our desires, no matter how strong that desire may be. Therefore it is important to be aware of all the blessings which are around us and create life in harmony with these blessings. This is what surrender and co-creation with God is all about. So often our desires are so strong that we are blinded by it. We fumble around in the dark searching for a door knob which doesn’t exist, desperately trying to open a door which will not open, all the while completely unaware of all the other doors waiting to be found, if only we would turn around and look.

I think blogging has also been difficult for me because I find the things I’m going through very personal. It’s not always easy to come out publicly and state my struggles. When I write however, it is very difficult to hold back my honesty. I think writing my book has also been difficult because I am in the middle of trying to accept and let go of my past while looking towards the future with faith and courage, and living in the here and now. I have realized that writing is and will be a big part of my life. We are each given a gift in life and we are meant to use those gifts to serve others. It would not be right of me to deny the gift God has given me.

Creation always happens here and now, in the moment. I’ve realized that the opportunity to create so often slips away. For myself it is important that when I discover inspiration to write something, I must not procrastinate, and allow that chance to create something special slip away. I hope that I have the strength to be aware when an opportunity of creation is at my fingertips. I hope I have this awareness not only in writing but in every aspect of my life. I want to have the faith and courage to push past fear and create my life with the opportunities God gives me. For I know that God is constantly giving each and every one of us opportunities to create and fulfill our destiny. If only we would stop fumbling around in the dark and open our eyes to the life we were meant to live.

When I am lucky enough to have these moments of spiritual growth and insight, I further realize how connected my recovery is to all aspects of my being. The entire experience of this injury has been like a crash course for my spirit. There’s no doubt that the primary purpose of life is to face that which we are afraid of, and there’s nothing more scary than ourselves. This injury and all the healing I am going through has made me face myself and all the demons within. I should consider myself lucky for being given this opportunity in such a small space of time. Life is really a rare opportunity, a blessing given to us so that we may grow closer to God. The experience of life is actually a small window of experience in comparison to the infinite time of our spiritual existence. Life doesn’t seem like such a burden when thought of in this light.

And so my recovery continues on all levels. I believe as time trudges on my recovery is quickening in pace. I never worry much about whether or not it’s going to happen but I do get frustrated with the timing of at all. I worry more about where I’m going to go, and what I’m going to do. Once again I surrender, allow God to show me the way and then simply follow with faith and courage.

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5 Responses to It All Leads to Surrender

  1. Beth says:

    It is good to see a post from you Colin. My prayers still remain with you. I hope this is a blessed Christmas and I hope your dreams come true in the New Year!

  2. Robine says:

    Dear Colin, good to hear from you – you are often on my mind and I wish you the faith and courage you need when you have the feeling you do not have either! The thing is we often have our eyes on the goal with a kind of birds eye view and do not see the road that will lead us to it with bends and corners and stops and straight and winding parts, parts that go fast and parts that go slow. Key is to focus on the goal and at the same time be in the now and experience what is now. Take good care and have a good Christmas. Wish you lots of good for 2009! Sabine from the Netherlands

  3. Neora Chana says:

    Good to hear from you. I\’m glad you are feeling stronger and stronger. I think that it\’s not only due to Francis and your other therapists, but due to facing the memories, etc., that were dragging you down. It takes alot of energy to surpress things; energy that could otherwise be put into positive tasks. Keep it up!

  4. Patricia says:

    It is so good to read your blog again!! Gosh, I continually learn so much from you. Thank you, thank you, thank you!! patti

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