I am sorry to all those who may be wondering where I have been. For some reason these days it’s hard for me to sit down and write. I have been much more inclined to open up the file to my private journal and let loose all of the emotions which lay bottled up inside of me. When I was first injured I used to be incredibly open and honest in my blog but slowly over time I became more and more private. Maybe in the beginning I felt like I had no identity to protect. I had just broken my neck, paralyzing 90% of my body, and everything which I thought I was, disappeared. Therefore I felt free to discuss anything and everything because none of it was really me, it was just a dream, a dream I felt the need to share.
There is much more going on in my life than simply paralysis. The paralysis certainly magnifies everything else and unfortunately adds whole new elements of fear to all aspects of my life. More than anything I’m tired of being afraid. I am currently reading the book, "Conversations with God". I have only just begun and I’m finding I have to read each section at least two or three times to get a grasp of what is being said. The beginning is highly philosophical but very powerful and the words resonate strongly with me. It is said in the book that the only two emotions which exist are love and fear. Neither can be known without the other’s existence. In order to know what love is, we have to experience fear. In order to know what fear is, we must experience love. Therefore, I’m wondering if I possibly have a better chance of truly knowing love because of all the fear I seem to experience.
Now even though I talk about being afraid a great deal, I feel like I also contain a great amount of courage. I am what I call a courageous coward, someone who is utterly afraid but refuses to back down in the face of fear. Sometimes it can be a great flaw in my persona and other times a wonderful attribute. I may have been wrong to face fear the day I stood on top of that rock and looked down at the murky water below. My mind and my heart constantly reminded me of the dangers in front of me but all I conceived was a fear that needed to be conquered. So I took three powerful steps, jumped from the rocky surface, plunging into the water below and breaking my neck.
I sometimes wonder if I will be dealing with fear for the rest of my life, and the answer is probably yes. I’m realizing that life is never truly the utopia we always think it should be. Life is not fair, it is not meant to be fair. If life was fair everything which we expected to occur and everything which we wanted would come true. What kind of experience would that be? Certainly not one where any type of growth would occur.
I feel as if I’m currently in a phase of my life where I have a great many desires but as of right now it seems as if these desires are not meant to come true. I continue to feel myself growing older and watching time pass by and I’m constantly reminded of how different my life is than what I expected it to be. In so many ways I feel blessed to have experienced what I’ve gone through, because it has opened my eyes to many great mysteries of life. It’s been kind of a spiritual crash course, forcing me to dive into the great unknown. I was always a questioning personality but I have to honestly say that I would not have sought out the great questions of the universe with such tenacity if this had not happened to me.
My recovery is actually going very well lately. I’ve had to change my outlook somewhat and focus on all the positive changes rather than the missing parts of the puzzle. Both myself and my family went into this journey with the idea that miraculous recovery was going to occur. I found myself waking up each morning being extremely disappointed that I was not jumping out of the bed. I’ve gone through some difficult acceptance issues lately, realizing that this may take much longer than I originally thought. This period of acceptance has also led me to think about what I’m currently doing in life, where I am going, and am I making the correct decisions? This is when a lot of fear enters the picture as I question whether or not I am following the correct path and if I am hearing God correctly. I also wonder if I am hearing God but ignoring his guidance because sometimes the truth is hard to accept.
You would think that with all the positive things occurring with my recovery I would simply be happy and continue down whatever path is placed in front of me. However, this is not my personality and even when things are going well I tend to jump ahead to the next issue. It’s a constant cycle of facing one fear after another never allowing myself to simply rest and be proud of who I am and what I’ve accomplished. I am never truly proud of myself really. I’m constantly questioning decisions I’ve made in the past and what decisions I will make in the future. I wish I could tell you that this whole experience has led me to a complete surrender of the present moment, where I neither resent the past or fear the future, but I cannot say that.
I am honestly in a state of confusion at the present moment. A great deal of time has passed since moving to Atlanta and even though I am a hundred times better off physically than I was two years ago, I am questioning whether or not it’s time for a major change in my life. Since moving to Atlanta the whole experience has been a whirlwind, constantly going to therapy, driving to Austin, and in between feeling completely exhausted from the whole thing. Yet I find myself almost addicted to the process, never wanting to miss a therapy session, never wanting to stop attempting to move my legs and flex my muscles.
I would like to completely surrender. Understand that when the time is right I will receive the information I am meant to receive, and make the necessary decisions concerning my path. I would like to understand that life is a journey, every decision, every twist and turn containing meaning and purpose. I would like to understand that there is no right or wrong decisions in life, for every path we travel down contains love and the powerful presence of God. Free will can be a scary concept, the idea that we are in control. I would like to be in control hoping that I can grasp the desires I wish to receive but at the same time I am terrified not wanting to make a mistake and lose that which I reach for. What I fail to understand is that life is a team effort between God and myself, and every decision I make, every action I perform contains great beauty. Whether in success or failure, it all contains a magical quality and is surrounded by the ever lasting presence of love.
I read somewhere that God has no expectations of us. This is quite a liberating thought because so often I beat up on myself wishing that I had more courage or was more accepting of my life and its circumstances. I think about what God would wish me to do and how God would wish me to behave, but now I’m beginning to think that maybe God is just along for the ride with the rest of us.
It is my goal to be walking in a walker on some level by October. I truly believe I can accomplish this feat. My arms are slowly beginning to coordinate with my trunk muscles. My back extensors are kicking in all along my spine but become weaker when it reaches the pelvic area. My muscles are not firing in the miraculous way I had hoped but slowly but surely they are getting stronger and coordinating in the manner that I would like them to.
My recovery is a strange mystery at times. I am gaining muscle all over my body and I always tell people that I am not as strong as I look. If you look at me you see a strong healthy young man who looks as if he could just stand up and walk around. This is not the case however, and I still struggle to do simple functional activities. But I truly believe that all that will change one day. Unfortunately I can no longer admit to say when it will happen. So I will continue to focus on my many blessings and have faith that no matter what I do or where I go, I am loved by God more than I can imagine and there will always be great purpose in my life no matter what I do.