Once again it has been a while since my last blog. I apologize to anyone out there who may be disappointed by my absence but I just can’t shake the lack of inspiration to write these days. I cannot really pinpoint what it is exactly, except possibly just a desire for privacy or it could be an unfortunate sign of laziness. Whatever the reason, there is nothing wrong about it, it just is.
I have been progressing well lately with my recovery. I cannot say I have been exceeding all expectations, but I am blessed to be seeing changes and a slow incline of recovery. I spent two weeks in Austin, Texas along with my aunt and uncle from Canada. The two weeks was a refreshing change from our normal one-week stay. I actually had time to settle in, meditate, and absorb tons of healing energy. Usually it seems like we are in and out of that town like a whirling tornado. The healing sessions were very powerful and as I sat there absorbing God’s energy, I can’t help but feel extremely blessed and lucky to be experiencing that moment. My body feels warm and heavy, my thoughts drift into space, and I feel life flowing through my veins. Any second I imagine myself jumping out of my chair.
The first two weeks back in Atlanta were pretty rough. I felt rather disconnected from reality and really tired all the time. I could feel changes occurring but they were somewhat frustrating as my abdominals were tightening up not allowing me to sit or stand up very straight. Lately however, more coordination is occurring and I find myself sitting up straighter than ever before. My circulation has improved immensely since my last Texas trip, and I’m noticing that I don’t have nearly as much swelling in my ankles and feet. My entire body feels stronger and I have more sensation in my muscles.
Lately while I’m working out I scream out, "function!" I do this because I desperately want to see all the strength improvement and all this life flowing through my veins, to turn into functional movement. Something that will improve my life, something that will allow me to say that I was doing "this" and now I’m doing "that". I know that it is inevitable but it is frustrating to always feel like it’s around the corner and the corner never comes. It will come one day, I know this.
As usual I also continue to constantly dive into the realm of spirituality and self growth. I crave the experience of personal freedom, freedom from suffering, freedom from thoughts which tell me I am less than infinite love. Freedom from fear of the future and freedom from resentment of the past. I crave freedom from thoughts like, "I shouldn’t have done that!", and "what should I do!" I want to love this moment with all my heart, and always see the beauty, the blessed creation, and know that it is perfect.
I spoke about Byron Katie in my previous entry. www.thework.com I continue to practice her teachings but it is very hard sometimes to constantly question my fears and inquire into my thoughts. There is always a much stronger motivation to just give in to all the false stories I tell about my life, and others. God is reality and God is good. The one and only story I truly need.
I cannot help but shake the feeling that I have control over my life. It seems a constant theme in people’s lives to believe that they have control. "Take control over your life!", people say, but do we really have control over our lives? I think surrendering to the will of God is much more powerful than taking control with the mind, manipulating and charging through fear with wild abandonment. Maybe it works for some, I don’t know. I believe that maybe we do have infinite powers to create, but is it our job to discover that power and wield it to our means? Or is it our job to simply love and allow the powers that be simply work through us to serve and discover?
"What should I be doing that I’m not doing?" That thought really gets to me. Wondering if maybe I’m getting it wrong. Byron Katie says that decisions make themselves. We never force a decision to come, the decision always comes when the time is right. It just occurs, like getting out of bed in the morning.
I’m excited to see what occurs in my life and I feel as if maybe I am becoming antsy and afraid because subconsciously I know that major changes are on the way. In my mind I feel as if I won’t be able to handle these challenges but with proper inquiry I know that this is not true. History has shown that I am a strong individual who is able to handle anything that life throws at me. Recovery itself can be quite scary. Paralysis has become somewhat of a comfort zone, but I look forward to facing that challenge and I look forward to facing that fear. I can’t get it wrong in life because God is everything and God is good. The final story.
www.youtube.com/colinsodyssey -some new videos."You’re just suffering from the belief that there’s something missing from your life. In reality, you always have what you need." – Byron Katie