I am at a difficult point in my life, the last stretch of a marathon. Climbing the last hill, I can see the finish line creeping over the horizon, but the burning inside my body is attempting to, begging at times, to stop, to collapse on the side of the road and give in. To give in to the paranoid whispers in my ear, telling me to stop, telling me that it was never possible, that it was always a dream, a figment of my imagination; and at the same time, there’s another voice, a voice telling me to never give up, never give in, and never surrender. There is also this light, this beautiful light inside my heart, that like a magnet is attracted to another light just beyond the finish line. Each morning I wake up and I pray to this light, seeking answers, seeking comfort, seeking a resolution behind my hopes and my fears. The answer is always the same, don’t give up, don’t quit, just keep going and you will achieve your destiny.
A year and a half ago, my parents and I moved to Austin. Since that day, my father and I have religiously made the 10 minute drive to Francis’ office. Once there I make my way to the back meditation room, close my eyes, and immerse myself in healing energy. At some point in the day, a lull occurs in the constant stream of people who come in for healing, and Francis peaks his head in the door and says, “I guess it’s your turn Colin”, in his warm, Scottish accent. As he walks in he says, “Howdy!” in a booming voice, followed by his ever present smile. “How are you doing?”
“Fine. How are you?” I ask, knowing full well what his reply is going to be.
“Disgustingly well!”, he says.
He sits behind me and I lean back and close my eyes with the constant hope that this will be the day, that this will be the day that all of this energy, all of this healing that has built up inside my nervous system, will overcome me with glorious ramifications. My toes will begin to move, I will feel a deep pressure in my stomach as my abdominal muscles begin to fire and suddenly all the muscles in my body slowly awaken. I open my eyes, and tell Francis,” I think I can stand up”.
“Then do it”, he replies, and so I do. I stand, and everything I’ve worked for, spiritually, physically, and mentally, will pay off. All the fear, the fear that’s been telling me I’m a fool, a fool chasing an impossible dream, will fade away. What will happen next, I’m not sure. It’s impossible to fully understand how I would respond in a situation like that. All I know is that I’m ready. I haven’t always been ready. For much of this experience of paralysis, I have been scared. Scared of the world I would have to face after recovering. Scared of facing a new life, a life where the world is at my fingertips, where I no longer have to face a mountain of struggles just to get out my front door. A world of responsibility, where once again I am in charge, fully capable of anything and everything, and thus, comes the fear, the fear that I will fail. One of the many lessons I am meant to learn in this life, that success is not an absence of failure, but a constant ability to pick myself up, despite them. The constant realization that there really is no such thing as failure, only a concept, a thought that tells me I failed, when in fact there is really no way one can tell the difference.
I’ve always given myself time frames as to when I must call it quits, when I must reevaluate my situation and move in another direction. It’s a constant cycle of life, where we do something for a while, find fulfillment, and then begin to feel empty and hung up. At that point we must make a decision as to where we want to go next, what new endeavors and challenges we want to face. Despite struggles, I’m still not at that place. Fortunately, or maybe unfortunately, I realize that giving up on my healing is really not an option. After putting in more than eight years of effort, it seems silly to stop now, but the fact remains that I do need something in my life that makes me feel worthy. I’ve accepted recently that I am a writer. It’s who I am, it’s who I’ve always been. Ever since I began to write in school, as a very young child, my teachers would praise me for my writing abilities. Because of my injury I was able to once again tap into this ability, but I still feel that I’ve yet to fully realize my potential. My commitment to healing prevents me from getting a full-time job, or even a part-time job. It hinders me from going back to school and getting a masters degree, but it does not prevent me from writing. I have decided that I need to fully embrace this gift. I see myself writing fictional stories and novels. I can see myself writing children’s books, books for young adults, and maybe one day fantastic mystery novels for adults. I also see myself writing an autobiography, detailing my entire life and struggles I’ve gone through, and all the lessons I’ve learned.
The two main things that are stopping me from fully embracing this task of being an author, is fear and a lack of motivation. It’s highly possible that the lack of motivation is caused by fear. I feel that I am very talented, but I’m also a perfectionist, and so as a perfectionist anything but perfection, is failure. I need to push past this notion. So how do I do it? I think more than anything I just need to write every day. It doesn’t matter what I write. I can write in this blog, I can write in another blog, I can write in my personal journal, or I can write a fantastic story about a talking turtle who wants to learn Spanish. It really doesn’t matter, as long as I open up my heart and mind and simply let myself be an instrument for my talent. Eventually, after constantly sitting in front of my computer and writing no matter what, maybe something special will emerge, and if it does, well, I will have found my talent, and I can run with it.
In many ways I have already started and I am running to an extent, but it’s more like a slow jog at the moment. My most recent creative effort, besides this one, is on my music and movies blog. http://surfingthemuse.blogspot.com/ I wrote a long bio and review about one of my favorite bands, Cloud Cult. They are very inspiring, and have filled me with a strong sense of purpose at times when I really needed it.
“May your lives be long, and may your wishes all be simple, and may your hearts stay strong” – Cloud Cult