Warning: This blog post contains rambling

To follow-up on my previous post, my short story project has been going pretty well.  I recently wrote two short stories of substantial length, each completely fictional, and I have to say I’m rather proud of myself.  I can’t say that the stories are incredibly well written, and I cannot say that the storylines are all that great, although they might be, but more than anything I am proud that I committed myself to it and actually did it.  Many times in the middle of the stories, I would want to quit.  I didn’t know where the story was going, the characters seemed flat, but I persisted, and eventually my imagination always came through.

This theme is true throughout my life.  So many times I imagine that things won’t work out, and they always do.  That’s why never giving up is probably the most fundamental lesson anyone of us can learn in life.  Just don’t give up.  That’s the key.  Anytime you feel like giving up, just shrug it off and keep going.  Eventually things will turn around, eventually doors will open, eventually all the little pieces will come together and success will be reached in some form or another.

Throughout my injury, and throughout this blog, I have postulated many times about the different spiritual lessons I was learning.  Earlier on in my injury I would jump from book to book, absorbing all the spiritual knowledge I could, and then I would proceed to describe what I learned in this blog.  A couple of years ago I decided to abandon so much reading, so that I could practice everything I learned.  Well, it didn’t really work out that way.  My practice became halfhearted, and I feel I’ve sort of been floundering about.  It’s not that I have not undergone growth, but without books, something has been missing.  So recently I have been diving back into reading again, and I find it very helpful to continually remind myself of the larger picture, even if it is a lesson I have learned time and time again.

One spiritual teaching, which has repeatedly reared its ugly head over the years, is the fact that I am a powerful spiritual being, who is creating my reality through my thoughts.  I often hide from this fundamental truth, because it puts a great deal of responsibility on me.  I don’t want responsibility!  I don’t want to have to accept that I have created this life, all the disappointments, all the hardships and suffering.  Surely it must be someone else’s fault?  The big man upstairs, right?  Isn’t He the one directing all these things?  And what about all these other people who have been in my life?  It’s not their fault?  It’s not all those girls fault, for not liking me at the right time?  It’s not those bullies in school, who made fun of me in seventh grade?  It’s not those stupid kids who wouldn’t pass me the ball at basketball tryouts?  They’re the reason I failed to achieve my dream.  It’s not my fault!  Is it?

It is a difficult question to ask oneself.  The idea that I am responsible for my own suffering, seems quite logical on the one hand, but on the other, how often I feel like a victim in life, a victim of cruel fate, knocking me down at every turn.  But you know what?  I’m tired of being a victim.  I’m tired of blaming everyone but myself.  It’s time to take responsibility.  It’s time to realize that I am a powerful spirit, and that the destiny of my life rests in my own hands, in my own mind.

The book I’m reading right now is called “The Three Magic Words ” by Uell S. Anderson.  It is on the far end of the spectrum when it comes to how thoughts create our reality.  In fact he believes that all of reality is created by thoughts.  There is nothing not created by thoughts.  I’ve always gotten confused about the subject matter, for many reasons, one being that I’ve been highly influenced by Buddhism, and Buddhism is all about living in the moment.  I liked this concept, because I didn’t have to worry about creating anything.  All I had to do was live in the moment.  Viewing myself as a creator of my future seemed to contradict this way of life.  Yet now I am once again back in the mode of creator.  I feel like a ping-pong ball, bouncing around between different spiritual belief systems.  One would think that I would eventually settle on one type of belief, or figure it all out, blending all the spirituality together into a form that I can understand and believe in.

Will I ever figure it all out?  Probably not.  Sure, the universe works through a set of laws, and we all follow these laws, but it’s impossible to understand with my current human mind.  The ultimate truth cannot be put into words.  It’s something that you feel deep within, an understanding, an intuition.  I think that being a powerful creator and being someone that rests in the peace of the moment, is all about joining with the ultimate truth, knowing it to be true, and surrendering.  How does one get there?  By never giving up, by joining with the confusion, by having faith that all of it, life, experience, joy, sorrow, it’s all leading to that final destination, that continues to move further and further away as you get closer to it, for God is infinite, everlasting and constantly expanding.   Yeah, that’s it…..I think.

It’s time I start writing my book.  Rather than detailing my life, I think I’ll use my blog as a guide and cruise along the spiritual journey I’ve been on these past several years.  Maybe by the end, I’ll have a better understanding of what it is I learned.

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6 Responses to Warning: This blog post contains rambling

  1. The Visitor says:

    Hi Colin – As you’d mentioned of your interest in Buddhism, Ithought I’ll share this with you: 3 Lives, in search of bliss.

  2. The Visitor says:

    A thought that came up while reading the title of this post, you don’t have to justify yourself to others. When you write, write for yourself, not for an audience. In this context I remember a link shared by a friend of mine – Advice to Young Authors – Jeffrey Eugenides. That’s his perspective, see if it helps.

    • Colin says:

      Good speech, good advice. It’s hard not to constantly wonder about what other people are going to think when involved in your artistic craft, but the best art always comes from a place of honesty, a place of deep individuality, but yet is also connected with the whole universe from which all expression is formed.

  3. On a totally different note Colin, I was reminded of a funny time with my then 3 year old son when I was reading your older blogs about your visit to the kinder and the strange questions kids ask. So I once had to take my son to the “wheelchair accessible toilet” in a busy shopping centre as that was the only one vacant and he was busting and hadn’t yet learnt the fine art of holding it in. He gazed at wonder at the spaciousness of it and some etc gadgets in there and for a few months following that used to demand to go to the “grand toilet” only! Have you come across any humorous encounters at all? Would love to read about them too!

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