In my attempt to formulate the structure of my book I have been reading over all of my blog entries. At times it has been depressing, and sometimes overwhelming, but overall it is turning into a very enlightening experience. It is difficult to read about the early years of my injury, struggling to find faith, struggling to believe my recovery was possible, and struggling to understand what I was meant to create in life.
During the first couple of years of my injury, I struggled constantly to know if I really was meant to recover. The thought kept coming to me that maybe I was just meant to move on with my life, find a way to deal with my paralysis, but yet, the notion that I was meant to recover would never leave me. And when the time came to make the decision, to either move on or continue to chase my dream, the choice was an easy one, and the journey has truly been remarkable. Meeting Francis, meeting Ammachi, and developing a faith that I could never conceive of obtaining as a recently injured young man.
It is interesting that spiritually I continue to ask myself the same questions, yearn to find the same answers, but at the same time, I seem to have a better understanding and a much larger peace is present. I’m coming to realize, as I have realized before, that ultimate spiritual understanding cannot be expressed in words. This was one of the reasons why I stopped reading spiritual books, because I realized that no words could ever truly express self-realization, it had to be experienced.
Is it possible, that attempting to understand God through knowledge is a fool’s errand? No, I do not believe so. As the conscious mind tries to wrap itself around what God is, what the universe is, and who we truly are within, spiritual growth occurs. It is impossible for it not to occur. It is the search for truth that allows our spirit to shine, that opens our hearts, that helps us to gain control over our conscious mind, gain access to the subconscious, and connect to the universal powers that be. This process however, this natural function of the power of our spirit, of its ability to manifest our desires without stress, worry or concern, is quite natural to the self-realized person. It does not take effort, it does not require the pounding of fists against concrete walls, it is simply a natural expression of one’s true nature, of one’s true self.
Meanwhile….. my recent healing sessions with Francis have been more powerful than ever. He has been placing his hand directly on my C-4 vertebrae, where the damage occurred. It is interesting that I can’t really remember him placing his hand on this spot before now. You would think that this would have been the area of focus from the beginning, but the art of spiritual energy healing does not necessarily follow what we would consider logical. As Francis placed his hand on this area of my spine, I was instantly reminded, largely because of my recent readings, of the unbelievable pain that was present there the day of my accident. It was the most excruciating pain I ever felt in my entire life. I then compared that pain, to the sensations I was now feeling, unbelievable, extraordinary, healing light, reverberating, flowing like a raging waterfall into my spine and throughout my body. I drifted into visions of my body as white light, light as a feather, and my destiny, my creation, undeniably manifesting itself in that moment.
As the years pass, it seems that my faith in recovery has gotten stronger and stronger. The faith in recovery I have now is stronger than the faith in recovery I had four months after my injury. It’s possible that this is no coincidence, it’s possible that this is part of my healing; developing my faith, developing my belief, so that the manifestation of the full restoration of my physical body is inevitable. There is really no way to know. Maybe, by some point in time, I will be able to explain how it all happened, or maybe I will know how it all happened, but be completely unable to explain it in words.
One of the reasons I’m excited about my book, is it is giving me the opportunity to truly understand my spiritual journey. I am being reminded of the great spiritual truths of this world, while also being reminded of the confusion they create. How do I surrender while manifesting my desires? How do I have desire, but at the same time live in the moment? Who am I and why am I here? Why must I go through all this pain and struggle in order to find myself? Am I really creating all this, or am I simply experiencing a pre-destined life? What about karma? How does karma fit into all this?
All these questions may end up having no answers, but this does not take away from the fact that they lead you toward truth, towards peace, towards an understanding that needs no explanation.