While sitting in Francis’s office, people often ask me if I am seeing any improvement. My “go to” response is always, “I expect to walk any day now”. My words most often bring a smile to their face. Maybe they find pleasure in my faith and confidence, or simply delight in the thought. To some it gives them hope I think, as they want to believe that Francis will be able to help them as well. I try and surround myself with these types of people, people who don’t give in to what the logical mind tells them is possible in life. I have not been around the medical profession much lately, but I imagine that most people among this paradigm of thought would hear my response and have a much different reaction. I imagine they might pity me, feel sorry for me, sorry that I am unable to accept my situation in life and move forward. I of course do not want to put such a large group of people in a box, but this is how I feel at the moment.
I’ve been trying to avoid doctors the past year or so, but unfortunately because of insurance and my current need for things such as wheelchairs and catheters, I am forced to go see them every once in a while. It is difficult for me, as I live in a completely different reality in comparison to Western medicine. I live in a reality where miracles are a daily occurrence, and with effort, determination, and faith, anything is possible. The biology and heavy matter, in which we live and experience life, is but a reflection of an energetic presence that can be molded and shaped in conjunction with various factors and influences, including destiny and the state of our thoughts.
Early on in my injury, I realized that the best way I could change this energetic presence, which would in turn change my physical biology, was to raise my level of spiritual consciousness. I dove into various books and teachings, searching for understanding, and the peaceful presence within which contained the infinite power to heal and transform my life. It is amazing to think that this search, which began nine years ago, has now led me to this place, a place where I am on the edge of a miracle, the edge of achieving the goal of recovery. Not only that, but even more importantly it has led me to a place of spirituality which I am truly grateful for.
Francis has been a tremendous spiritual teacher in my life, and has taught me a great many things. His healing gift has opened my heart and cleared my mind of much of the negative thinking which has plagued me through the years. And while I thought the love Francis pervaded was inspiring and transformative, I was once again blown away as I sat in the presence of Ammachi. All of the searching and yearning for understanding, for peace of mind and an end to my suffering, led me to her warm embrace. My love for her grows day by day, and I have now settled into a spiritual practice, where I no longer need to give myself a headache trying to understand it all. I can simply surrender and trust that my guide and guru will always show me the way, and be there to catch, love, and forgive me when I fall.
I feel as if I have a team of divine beings surrounding me, helping me to achieve the destiny that is etched in stone for my future. At the forefront is Ammachi, my constant support. With a snap of her fingers she could heal me in a second, but unlike me, she is aware of my spiritual path, and the much larger purpose and divine play of my experiences. And while she is not healing me in an instant, I know that she is helping Francis and I to reach our goal. When I sit in front of her picture and begin to meditate, or chant my mantras, I feel a warm flowing energy cascading through my body. It is something I prayed and begged for many times sitting in my bedroom in Charlotte, an undeniable connection to God. I also sit in front of my computer and chant the Lalitha Sahasranama, the thousand names of the Divine mother, and as I fall into the rhythm of the Sanskrit language, I feel as if my mind, body and spirit is vibrating with more and more intensity. I begin to rock back and forth, and an incredible pain starts at my sacrum and spreads to my legs and feet. It hurts but I love the feeling, and so I get louder and louder, my passion increasing until I hit the final note, close my eyes, and fall into a blissful state of meditation.
I usually go through this routine in the mornings, before taking my shower. After my shower I chant the Gayatri mantra. It is a mantra which is said to be the most powerful in the universe, and I can feel it opening up my energy flows, and raising my level of spiritual consciousness. An hour or so later I’m sitting in France’s office. Once more meditating, chanting my mantras, awaiting my turn. When Francis comes into heal me, we both feel that today could be the day. Today could be the day that the dam bursts, and I rise to my feet. He tells me he expects it to happen any day, and I agree with him. So many times I feel as if it’s about to happen. Maybe my leg will twitch suddenly, and I think, “Is this it? Is it all about to happen now?” Unfortunately, so far I have been disappointed, but it will happen. One day I’ll ask these questions, and the answer will be a resounding yes! The time is now! Rise to your feet and fulfill your purpose!
Not every day is filled with the positivity I am displaying now. Francis describes spiritual energy healing as peeling away layers of an onion, with each layer that is peeled away, one must experience the suppressed emotions which lie there. Francis also says that when I injured my spinal cord, all the pain I had experienced in my life became trapped within, and as we continue to open up more and more energy, going deeper and deeper, much of that pain is coming to the surface, and when it does, I must experience it. It has not been easy, and as the pain bubbles to the surface, I might break down, I might feel like giving up as I question my path and where I’m going, but the perceived fall is inevitably followed by resurgence in strength and energy. It is then that I once again bear down, say my mantras, and move on to the next ledge of this rocky climb.
I truly believe that I’m very close to my breakthrough in recovery, but unfortunately I cannot say exactly when it is going to happen. I would like to think that it could happen in the next month or two. I would like to think that it will happen today. It is certainly possible, but over and over again, I am being taught the lesson of surrender. I have learned recently that God’s grace is constantly surrounding us. We think we can earn God’s grace by begging for the things that we want, but really, this may only grant us the opposite effect we are looking for. God’s grace will come in many forms, and the type of grace a person receives will depend on their path and purpose in life. But I think I’ve had it right all along, for the most part anyways. To achieve God’s grace, one must dive within and find the true nature of the self. How one finds his or her true nature, is up to the individual. I am currently choosing to find this nature through devotion, meditation, and service. I’ve yet to fully discover my true self, but the glimpses I have experienced has shown me that the true self does not exist in a state of wanting and begging, but exists in a state of surrender and love. It is there where the bounties of God reside and the peaceful existence for which we strive.