I Don’t Know, I Just Write

I can’t believe it, but I did it.  I have completed the rough draft of my book.  I never expected for it to happen so quickly, but recently a storm of passion and determination was lit within me, and once I started I couldn’t stop.  It was in January of this year that I first dedicated myself to writing a book.  I had stated this dedication many times over the years and consistently found the projects stalling, but this time I would take on a different strategy.

Rather than focusing on every single detail of my life, rewriting history, I would simply take my blog and all the writing I’ve done over the years, and make that the book.  Copying and pasting the blogs, I would fill the gaps with new writing, detailing events and providing further insight into the spiritual messages present in each blog post.  The one and only thing I had to remember throughout the process, was to never stop, to just trust, and know the end result was exactly what it was meant to be.

Initially, it involved a lot of reading over all my blog entries, trying to find a basic understanding of my spiritual path.  After taking a lot of notes and creating outlines, I realized it was time to just start writing.  At that point, I’d spend a week or two getting a good amount of work done, but then I’d find myself satisfied with what I had accomplished, so I would stop.  It was always supposed to be a short respite, but it usually lasted much longer than I intended, and I found it very difficult to get back into the rhythm again.  The most difficult thing was always simply getting myself to sit down in front of the computer and start.  Once I did that I was back in the flow almost immediately.

Once summer came around, my dad and I went on our long road trip, and all working on the book came to a halt.  I didn’t know why, but the desire to work on it simply wasn’t there.  A couple of months ago I finally forced myself to do it, and while I was getting some good work done, the whole thing felt very forced.  I would wake up in the morning wanting to want to write, but the desire was muted, suffocating beneath a static force, preventing me from truly investing all of myself into the work.

I realized that my lack of passion stemmed from the fact that there were certain stages of my history that I did not want to relive.  I was afraid to face my past, afraid to face the difficulties I had gone through, but I knew that writing this book was something I had to do.  It was something I was meant to do.  It was then that I decided that the best way to get through it, the best way to accomplish this duty in my life, was to simply knock it out.  I had to set a goal, as if I was writing a thesis that had to be turned in on a certain date.  I would finish a rough draft of the book by the end of the year.  I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but I was confident I could do it.

Suddenly I found myself writing with a feverish passion which I’ve not experienced in some time.  Moments would come where I felt stuck, usually when I was facing an emotional scar from my past.  It was in those moments that I would close my eyes and pray to Ammachi, asking her for guidance, asking that she make me an instrument of her love and service.  “Write this book for me Amma,” I would pray.  “Make me an instrument of writing”.

Seconds later, the words would be pouring out of me, saying everything that needed to be said, and holding back everything that did not.  It was natural and flowing, and as I cruised through my past, reliving every moment, I was finding tremendous insight along the way and experiencing deep healing within my soul.  When the words finally stopped, I placed my hands together and thanked my guide and guru, thanked her for allowing me to be her instrument.  Whenever my ego would rise up, and I found myself thinking, “Look what I accomplished, look how good a writer I am,” I smothered the notion realizing that none of it would be possible without God’s grace.

By writing the book in this manner, I was attempting to write from a place where I was connected to the source, connected to the source of all creation.  This is where the greatest manifestations occur, because it’s coming from a place of love and service, devoid of all ego.  Amma helped me to be more easily connected to this source, because the physical mind is more apt to connect with a physical manifestation then it is to connect with the omniscient vision of God, something that can be quite difficult to grasp.  But in reality, there is no difference between connecting with the source of all creation, and connecting with the guru.  They are both one and the same.  Not only that, but as I connected with Amma, which in turn connected me with the source of creation, I was also connected with my own true self, my inner spirit, which is also one and the same.  Our mind likes to create a separation, but there is really no such thing.  Everything is one.  But like I said, this concept is very difficult to grasp, which is why I’m so grateful to have Amma in my life so I don’t have to worry about such things.

I have always had this fear that one day I’ll sit in front of my computer to write, and nothing will come out.  I will just stare at a blank word document for hours and hours, but it never happens.  Time and time again I sit down to write, and the words just appear.  I think about brilliant musicians, who sit in front of the piano and just find themselves playing.  People ask them “How do you do that?” and their response is, “I don’t know, I just play.”  That is how I feel much of the time.  I don’t know how I do it, I just write.

Creation in general is like that.  As human beings we fear the future, we fear that situations will turn out badly, that everything will go horribly wrong leaving us embarrassed and ashamed.  But very rarely does this ever happen.  Creation is such a beautiful thing, and all that is required of creating something beautiful is faith.  The faith to simply show up and trust.  Trust that everything is taken care of, that we are not alone, and that God is always there to guide and protect us.

I say that the rough draft of my book is finished, but really it is only finished for now.  A book cannot be concluded without a conclusion of course, and my conclusion has yet to be experienced, I have yet to walk again.  The words I wrote in my last blog entry still ring true.  I continue to feel like I am very close.  My healing with Francis has taken on a whole new dimension the past couple of weeks and all signs are pointing towards the fact that we are in the final stage of the healing process.  I am feeling energy flowing into areas of my body that I have never felt before.  I always felt a great deal of energy flowing down into my legs, but I can also feel the flow happening in my upper body now, down into my arms and hands.  Something is shifting within me, I can feel it.

Yesterday afternoon, after catching up to the very last of my blog posts, completing the rough draft of my book, I suddenly felt an expansion of healing light throughout my body.  It was like I had taken a giant leap on my spiritual path, completing a necessary stage in my life that would propel me on to the next.  If I was to visualize how the rest of my book could be written, it feels like now would be the perfect time for my miraculous healing.  The rising action has reached its peak, and now it’s time for the climax.

That being said, I am doing the best I can to surrender to the fact that I just can’t know when I will walk again.  There are many factors at play, most of which I simply cannot understand, including the path of Francis.  There is a certain time when I am meant to walk, same as there is a certain time when he is meant to heal me.  Our destinies are intertwined.

With the current state of my human mind, expectations are near impossible, but my mind is also telling me to simply trust, trust in the process same as I trusted in the process of writing my book.  I will walk again.  There is no reason to fret, no reason to worry, no reason to fight every moment that it doesn’t happen.  All is taken care of.

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5 Responses to I Don’t Know, I Just Write

  1. Shivani says:

    You are right Colin, trust the process. I have learned that the hard way through my PhD program. I am praying for your full recovery and do trust that my prayers will be answered.

  2. Virtual Gypsy says:

    Woohoo!Go Colin!Can’t wait to feel your book in my hands.

  3. Virtual Gypsy says:

    Woohoo!Go Colin!Can’t wait to feel your book in my hands.

  4. Lisa says:

    Ditto Virtual Gypsy!

  5. vidya says:

    Congratulations Colin

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