After the break through of my new wrist movement, I felt that the dam was about to burst. At any minute a flood of recovery and movement would overwhelm me, and I would shout from the rooftops, “The miracle has occurred! Let us rejoice!” Well, it has not happened yet, but this does not take away from the fact that I feel an immense transformation taking place, and something tells me that a new dawn approaches, the beginning of a life that has only existed in my imagination all these years. I’m not fooled into believing that all my suffering will soon disappear once I rise to my feet. I fully realize that the spiritual journey will continue on, I will continue to face the constant rise of desires, my mind and ego wanting to fulfill every one, only leaving me to realize that no desire fulfilled will bring me true happiness. I pray that I continue on my spiritual journey once I’m walking. I pray that I do not lose the single most important desire, to know God, to rise to the echelons of self-realization, to feel the immortal love and bliss which is my being.
Over the past several months I’ve been somewhat of a recluse, a hermit. I like to think of myself as a Yogi sitting in the caves of the Himalayas, dwelling within the inner spirit, focused on the goal at hand. In the past, such seclusion would have brought me sadness, an undeniable feeling of loneliness and depression. But no longer. When I sit in front of my guru’s picture, and fall into deep meditation, I can think of nothing in the outside world which could provide me with anything more fulfilling.
I can look back on my spiritual path and remember feeling so alone at times. Isolated and estranged from the outside world, slowly drifting away from old friends as I continued to believe in all sorts of ludicrous ideas, developing a faith and a spirituality that no one from my past life seemed capable of understanding. It wasn’t that long ago when this loneliness still remained, when the feeling of isolation was at its strongest, but recently it has dissipated. I no longer feel like I’m missing out on something, or should be doing something more exciting and exhilarating with my time. Friday nights are not spent ruminating over what other supposed normal people are doing.
People often believe that they need to be surrounded by others in order to feel worthy. They need to have friends in their lives, people that are always there for them, people that always reach their expectations. But recently I have had yet another ludicrous idea. Do we really need friends? Do we really need anyone but the peaceful presence that exists within ourselves? There is literally nothing in the outside material world that can be counted on to bring you peace. There will come a time when my life is completely different than it is now. I may be surrounded by people, loved ones, and my social life may be filled to the brim. But none of it will truly bring me the fulfillment I seek. The fulfillment I seek can only be found within, a place that is infinitely more satisfying and rewarding than anything the material world has to offer. Thankfully, that peaceful place within is becoming more apparent to me than ever as I sit with my beloved Amma, spending time in her sauna of love and basking in her grace. Why should I ever feel alone with Amma by my side?
Is difficult to imagine where I would be without Amma. Her presence in my life has given me a direct connection to God, and all the knowledge of spirituality I’ve gained over the years is serving as a tremendous foundation, but it is no longer the stronghold of my faith. Knowledge was only able to get me so far, and now I’m in the midst of another phase in my journey. A phase of devotion, meditation, and surrender. A phase where I am no longer seeking out negativity so I can dismantle it, but overwhelming that negativity with divine light and love. Chanting my mantras, visualizing the Divine mother, I am attempting to merge myself with the divine light of God, leaving no room for negativity or darkness. I need not understand how to be a powerful spirit, I need not understand how to create my future, all I need to do is put forth my best and most sincere effort to know God, to merge with my peaceful self, and all will be taken care of. There is no doubt that the great spiritual truths will still be evident. I will still be creating my life with my thoughts, intention will still be playing its role, but I will no longer be manipulating these things, they will simply exist in the natural state that they are meant to.