There are moments in my life when the passage of time haunts me. Staring through a narrow prism I view my life as if I am trapped in quicksand, and each second that ticks away blares in my ears like a megaphone. I wonder, “Where is the life I dreamed of? Where is the goal I strive for?” But these moments are just an illusion, and nothing more. To think that I, a spiritual being, am trapped, inhibited, or shackled in any way is ludicrous. I am a brilliant sun, whose rays extend out into infinite space, reaching forever and ever, into the abyss. I am constant motion, energy swirling, colliding, flowing through and out, ever-changing, ever shifting, ever-growing. I have no beginning and no end, no once was or will be. There is no weight on my back, there are wings, wings that can carry me anywhere I wish to travel.
Soon I would once again see my guru as she traveled across the United States. I thought I would be kneeling at her feet, displaying my new physical body, a body that was once broken, and reimagined. But time hurries for no one, and I found myself approaching her, still in a wheelchair, still physically impaired, still wondering when the recovery I knew was going to occur, would take place. I fought off the depression, the sadness that another timeline had come and gone. I told myself I would simply throw myself at her feet. With one swing of momentum, toss myself out of the wheelchair and onto the floor, crying out for her mercy, her healing touch, for her to display her infinite power of healing. Looking up to her I’d ask, “How can Mother ignore her child, her broken child? How can She ignore me when I know She can heal me?”
But, I experienced my first darshan with Amma, and I made no such scene. Once in her presence, I no longer felt the need to express my pain to Amma. I no longer wanted to blame her. I just wanted to feel her love. And I did. Her embrace was as warm and loving as ever. Her compassion was sweet and tender, soft and deep. It wriggled its way into the core of my being. And every time I even thought about asking, “Will I recover? When will I recover?” The question went unsaid, the opportunity vanished. Then sitting in meditation, over and over again I heard, “Do not worry, you will walk again.”
Then another message appeared, that I was not meant to ask about my future. I am meant to know, deep within myself, deep within my heart, that I have not been led down this path in vain, for it is a path which has given me so much, and will continue to do so as I enter a glorious ocean of grace, and prosperity. I must go through this arduous period of faith and surrender. I must epitomize the characteristics of persistence, determination, and faith. That is my path. And while there may be people out there who think I’m crazy, while there may be people that don’t understand, it matters not. This is my choice, and in this moment, I am not worried. I feel more guided than ever. I feel more loved than ever. So why fear anything? What reason is there to fear? When I know I am loved and cared for.