Hello all. I was in hiding there for a little while, but I am back to introduce my latest creative project. I’m now creating video content under the title Surfing the Muse…
So far it has been a fun but challenging experiment as I jump into this new space of creativity. The vibes are a bit different compared to my writing. This is all purposeful, accidental, and strange as I view myself from a totally different perspective and try to discover exactly who this Colin person is. What I’m realizing is that I have no single genuine expression and that my identity has many layers. The whole process was difficult at first. It has required me to face certain realities and overcome some insecurities, but I believe it is a good thing as I am building confidence in a way I never have.
Seeing as it has almost been four years since I last wrote in this blog, I have made several attempts at providing some sort of update on my current life and outlook, but I am struggling a bit. Going over the details of the past several years just isn’t coming together at the moment. And as far as my outlook goes, the simplest way I can explain it is that I’ve been in a process of letting go. Letting go of fear and the weight of expectations. Letting go of thoughts, emotions, and behaviors that are limiting and no longer serve me. I know I have progressed spiritually on my journey, but the harsh truth is that the realities of my life have not changed. I have learned and realized lately, that I am completely responsible for this. I am responsible for this because of the way that I think and feel and behave on a daily basis. Until I change these aspects, life cannot change, the manifestation will stay the same.
My mantra as of late has been let it flow and watch it go. I have had neurotic and obsessive tendencies my whole life. Immersing myself in them or getting mad at them, will not change these habitual patterns of thinking, but if I observe them, allow them to exist in a state of non-judgment and awareness, I find that they flow and dissipate. This is something that I have learned in the past, particularly after reading the work of Dr. David Hawkins. But lately, I am taking the words and putting it into real practice. I have also found that I am capable of completely silencing my mind if I truly focus. This place of silence is extremely powerful, and I know that I can extend the amount of time I spend there, but it will take conviction and commitment.
I’ve done the best that I can in the past. My spiritual practices have certainly not been in vain. But I have also allowed the chatter of the mind to persist as I continue self-sabotaging ways of being, of thinking, of feeling, which have not allowed me to move forward in my life.
It is scary to let go. It is scary to let go of the feeling of control that neurotic thoughts can bring. Strange to realize this, but the prison we create around ourselves with our identity, our expectations, our grievances and our judgments, does give us a feeling of safety. To let go of all of it and rest in awareness with thoughts, feelings, and the responsibility we carry for our lives is not easy. I have unconsciously avoided it for some time. But recently, I went through an experience where I began to feel everything very intensely.
I’m not sure if it was a spiritual shift or something else, but I became very sensitive to my internal thoughts and emotions, as well as my environment. Negative patterns of thinking that were once bearable, became overwhelming. Coping behavior that used to drown out these uncomfortable thoughts only made it worse. And normal sounds were extremely loud to me, and I felt like my mind was constantly buzzing. Several times all of this led to panic attacks that I could physically feel in my body. It was quite scary at times, and it honestly felt like a kind of post-traumatic stress disorder. Whatever it was, it forced me to truly go within and practice my spirituality in a way I never have before. In moments of tremendous anxiety, I had to truly let go and allow the emotions and the sensations to flow through my body. These intense feelings and sensitivities lasted for many months, and while I still feel it with me at times, the majority of it has faded away.
This experience I had, along with other spiritual influences and realizations, has led me to truly commit to altering the way I think and feel on a daily basis, to train my mind to react and approach life in a new way. I am learning to detach myself from negative thoughts and emotions, so that they do not fester or manifest in behavior that does not serve me and my highest good. I am learning to wake up each day to the practice of appreciation and thankfulness. And I am learning to choose better feeling thoughts. In the past, all these actions would be so that I could achieve my desires. That is of course still part of my motivation. I honor desire because I know that I am here to create. But I no longer want to be attached to results as I wait for life to begin. I want to fall in love with conscious awareness. I want to let go of the narrative and release the idea that I must control every detail of my story. I want to fall in love with the process of creation, not wait for the creation to fall in love. And I want to find refuge in the peaceful power of a silent mind.
To any law of attraction folks out there I realize that these statements could contain more power using the “I am” affirmation method. Stating them in this way does not line up with me at the moment, I find it difficult to do so in a public forum, but I know that it will line up as I move forward in my meditation and awareness.
Thank you to all who are reading this. May we all discover an existence of peace and love.